What should he do? Can you help?

by Billygoat 49 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Billygoat

  This post is triggered by FreePeace's post on alcoholic relationships. I'd like to share a story of a friend of mine with the hopes that you can provide some advice or insight. He knows I'm a part of this board and understands how much support/encouragement/advice I get here. I'd like to share with him any thoughts you might have concerning his situation.

  I've got a close friend, David, who is dating a girl Kammy. They are a really great couple and anyone who knows them believes they are meant for each other. Everyone already thinks that someday they will marry - including the two of them. They're the type of couple you see that makes you go "Wow! I wish I had that!" They are truly head over heels in love with each other. And for that I'm thrilled as he's always dated psychos and manipulators! I've always approved of Kammy since it's obvious she adores him and treats him very well. But there's a rub...

  Kammy is a recovering drug addict. Years ago she loved nose candy and is still going through weekly counseling in order to work through her addiction issues. She has worked hard to stay sober and realizes how much better life can be if she stays away from coke. It's been a struggle, but her life is truly rewarding and she knows she cannot go back to the drug lifestyle. She'd lose too much. One of those things she'd lose is David.

  David is a sweet man who is a bit of an idealist. He likes to see things through his rose-colored glasses, although as a maturing adult he is realizing that rose isn't always the color of the world. This harsh reality sometimes is a blow to his heart, but he always manages to get through the difficult periods in his life. Dave understands Kammy's war against addiction and has been a staunch supporter of her sobriety. She had relapsed a few months into their relationship, fulling expecting Dave to leave her and he didn't. He said he would stay and support her as long as she went to treatment. She did. Kammy's been sober for almost a year now. (The longest she's ever been sober.)

  Last week Dave caught Kammy smoking pot. He was disappointed more than anything. He realizes it's not coke, but he thinks that to an addict, a drug is a drug is a drug. They fought long and hard about it - it almost broke them up. He wants her to quit it completely, but she said she doesn't want to. She says at least it's not coke and she's proud of the fact that she doesn't snort coke anymore. But she feels she should be allowed one vice. Dave is thankful it isn't coke either, but still does not like the fact that she smokes.

  When I talked to him yesterday he is really confused. He adores this woman with all of his heart/soul/mind and body. He doesn't know if he should give up the perfect girl with one flaw or live his life without her. I wished I could have given him some sage advice, but I totally understood his quandry...I had nothing to share with him. (I don't know much about the dangers of cannibis myself, other than I know it's illegal.)

  His main questions are:

  Should I leave Kammy because she smokes pot?
  Am I blowing it out of proportion?
  Should I stand up for what I think is right?
  Am I being too much of a hard ass?

  Can y'all help? I'd love to show him your responses. Thanks for the input.

  Andi
• 

  RationalWitness

  Andi,

  I'm confused about this. Are you saying that Kammy loves pot MORE than she loves Dave? She's not willing to give up what she herself characterizes as a "vice" to keep the trust of a man who has stuck with her through so much already? Is there more to this story that I am missing?

  RW
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  mikepence

  Christ, it is just weed.

  This couple had better hurry into therapy together to learn what the *real* issues are in their relationship. Drugs are just a proxy issue.

  This guy seems like a real control freak. What is he afraid of? What does that fear show about his opinion of himself?

  My .02.

  Mike
• 

  RationalWitness

  Mike,

  I agree with you on the therapy part. I question, however, why you focus on Dave's behavior in this issue, and ignore Kammy's. Control freak? That's quite a generalization without knowing much more than what Andi has stated. The guy apparently has been extremely supportive and loving. Why, precisely, does Kammy feel SO insistent about pot? Don't you question THAT aspect of the situation? Is pot more important than Dave? If my wife insisted that I give up coffee (say, for health reasons or economic reasons, whatever), and asked me 'to do it for her,' I would do so ... reluctantly, perhaps, but I would do so. Is pot THAT important?

  RW

  edited to correct typo
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  Mum

  I would recommend that they go to counseling together and work through the issues confronting them. After having lived with alcoholics and having a brother who is addicted to marijuana, I don't take any of these concerns lightly. They need the perspective of an impartial third party, a professional, in order to decide whether they can make a go of it.

  Seize the day, and put the least possible trust in tomorrow. - Horace

  I have learned to live each day as it comes and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. - Dorothy Dix
• 

  outnfree

  Andi,

  First, ((((David))))))) and to you for being such a great friend!

  I have a brother who is a recovering drug addict. I really cannot tell David what to do, but I think that Kammy's wanting (needing?) to smoke pot is a condition of her condition. That is, her need to self-medicate, her addictive personality. Thus, her smoking grass would be a setback to her recovery plan. I would be afraid if I were Dave that it is a first step down a slippery slope of rationalization for the recurring use of [other, more] drugs in her life.

  Perhaps David could attend a few counseling sessions with Kammy and address his fears with her and her counselor? This way Kammy might be helped to see HIS angst over her behavior and also she will be made accountable for doing ANY drugs by her counselor (which likely is NOT part of her recovery plan). How she reacts to his suggestion that they deal with this TOGETHER with the counselor will go a long way to showing David by her actions how much she really loves him.

  Just my $.02,

  outnfree

  When the truth is found to be lies
  and all the joy within you dies ... -- Darby Slick, Somebody to Love
• 

  Billygoat

  RW and MP,

  I'm laughing because this is exactly how their argument went.

  David: I feel like if it came down to it, you'd choose pot over me.

  Kammy: It's just weed! It's not coke.

  They both feel so strongly about their beliefs on pot that neither will back down. I'm afraid if someone doesn't give in, they will break up.

  David is trying to be understanding, but feels he's settling for something he doesn't agree with. I don't think he's much of a control freak, but after past abusive relationships, he wants to stick to his guns. My suggestion to him was to educate himself on the pros and cons of weed. Maybe it's not what he thinks.

  Kammy has been railroaded many times by the people in her life. She feels she's standing up for herself by letting herself by having this one "vice".

  They have compromised thus far by not making any big decisions until they (together) meet with a therapist and go to a pro-marijuana (NOM-something-something) meeting.

  Andi
• 

  Valis

  greetings BG...still on for 29th?

  Now then, as one who has gone off the deep end once or twice, it has been my experience that if David has a problem with the use of any substance, not otherwise deemed as legal, then Kammy is not the person for him. Those who use or have used drugs are much like ex JWs in the way that not all concepts of old ways ever disappears. Kammy will always have the anvil hanging over her head, and one hopes she can abstain from the hard stuff. On the other hand, David needs to examine his reaction to her use of pot, the context in which she was sneaking around, and then ask himself whether or not he would prefer to know the entire truth about her activities. One of which could be that when she feels the need/desire to smoke that he be present, perhaps the underlying reason being he could "help" her though what one might call "a time of need". If anything, to find out if this behaviour will indeed lend itself to her falling back on harder drugs, i.e. she smokes a joint and then immediately wants to buy an eight ball (as an extreme example). As well, it might be mentioned that she may not feel comfortable engaging in a smoke around David, and thus find it less important than she did before. If I learned anything from reading Ray Franz, it is that ultimately a compromise between those you love over tough issues is the only way to maintain a clear conscience, while truly loving one another. Lastly, her actions are hers to reconcile with her god or whatever, and if David buys that ticket, he needs to be able to take the ride, accept/ove her and make the best of it.
• 

  Esmeralda

  Hi Andi,

  You are sweet to pass his questions on for support. I know I'll draw fire from the pro-pot population of this board, but here is my two cents...

  David needs to run, not walk, to a book store and get Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw. He can read it, go through the questions and evaluate his needs, and desires for this relationship. He can iron out what he wants/expects from a girlfriend/future wife and see if the trade offs he has to make to stay with Kammie are worth it for him. He also needs to go to al-anon to help him deal with being in a relationship with a 'recovering' user who has back slid (yes, "just" pot is considered backsliding for an addict)

  She needs someone who will stand by her, true. But drug use is drug use. I doubt that anyone at a narc anon meeting would agree with her that it's "just weed". I have several recovering alcoholics in my family (one of whom is a sibling) and I can tell you that they will go out of their way to justify their addictive behavior. She needs to get to the bottom of why she needs substances to help her feel okay. She's escaping from something, and that isn't healthy. The problems will just be waiting when the pot wears off. And what if she gets caught? Will legal problems help the situation any?

  She needs to be committed to being sober. COMPLETELY sober. There is no such thing as a "little bit' of drug abuse. That's like being a little bit dead, or pregnant. Doesn't happen. Either you use, or you don't.

  I am speaking too as a person who suffers from chronic pain from MS and if I lived in a different state, might even be able to get medically approved pot. But I wouldn't want it, because it would diminish my ability to function in the way that I expect myself to.

  I think that David is in very dangerous waters. I hope that he can get his bearings and realize he deserves someone who loves him more than anyone, or anything else. He sounds like he's co-dependant as hell and could easily get sucked into helping her justify her addictions.

  I wish him luck...
  Essie
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  JerryTX

  Pot is different things to different people, as alcohol is different for different people. I don't smoke pot, nor have I ever, but I certainly have friends that do. Some of them are hard driving type A personalities and are very successful. Others are affected very negatively. They smoke too much, and feel compelled to do so. My friends who use pot sparringly say frequent use of pot destroyed their ambition and drive and caused them many problems.

  I don't know how much pot Kammy is smoking but for a former drug abuser to use any drug recreationally, even alcohol, is walking close to the slippery slope of getting in trouble again. If you've talked to recovered alcoholics, they say they're only one drink away from being a slobbering drunk.

  I think David is right to be seriously concerned. I think it's great that he stood by her when she had a relapse. That shows real character. But I feel Kammy is being reckless with the relationship by toying with any recreational drug, period. It's not that pot is so bad that nobody should smoke it. It's just that Kammy has a history of drug addiction that had the potential for completely destroying her life. Why is she willing to skate close to the edge?

  I think the previous advice of going to counseling as a couple is good. The counselor can explain the risk inherent in former cocaine abusers using pot.

  This post has been edited for those watching their intake of "fluff."