Andi,
I'm in recovery, too. January 10th will be the seventh anniversary of the day I entered into sobriety. My personal drug of choice was alcohol. I lived in, and eventually managed, a three-quarter house for recovering addicts, for four years. I've attended meetings at Narcotics Anonymous as well as Alcoholics Anonymous, and have been to a couple of huge weekend get-togethers of the recovery community from all over the nation, at Lake Whitney.
I'm not espousing a philosophy right now; I'm stating a few facts. Here they are:
You introduced Kammy with the statement, "Years ago she loved nose candy..." But a few lines later you said, "Kammy's been sober for almost a year now. (The longest she's ever been sober.)" If Kammy's "been sober" (your words) for almost a year, then the "years ago" phrase is not only inaccurate, it strongly suggests an enabling attitude.
At every Narcotics Anonymous meeting they open the meeting with a reminder that, for an addict seeking recovery, no drugs, including alcohol, are acceptable. Drinking and/or smoking pot are universally recognized in the recovery community as relapse, and an addict who does so is not "recovering," she is what they call "in her disease." If Kammy has ever been the slightest bit serious about recovery, then she already has this memorized; she recites it along with the group at every NA meeting.
The fact that Kammy has been smoking pot means Kammy is not recovering. She is still an active addict.
As an addict, Kammy is not capable of being in a healthy relationship. No active addict is. Not with David, not with anyone else. It's a simple fact... everything revolves around the acquiring of more drugs. Everything. Any other concerns rate only peripheral attention. David's life with her will be a rollercoaster of tantrums, moodiness, trumped-up guilt trips, deceit, lies, and total selfishness.
Should I leave Kammy because she smokes pot?
No. You should extract yourself from the relationship because she is an addict. Reassure her that you don't hate her, that she has potential and can become a whole person. Tell her that you cannot, and will not, put yourself through the misery of trying to get an addict to act like a mature adult.
Am I blowing it out of proportion?
No. You haven't yet realized how serious it is.
Should I stand up for what I think is right?
Aren't you already?
Am I being too much of a hard ass?
You have to take care of yourself. Nobody else is going to do it for you. It means making hard decisions and forcing yourself to stick by them sometimes. That's why they call us "adults."
COMF
