Profoundly Shock, Sadening and Traumatic Account of Mary Aguilar

by Scott77 50 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Quillsky

  Tammy, I haven't been there physically but I have been there emotionally. And I believe that hearing people take a hard stance and saying "Get out of there, you deserve more than this" can only be helpful to your self-esteem in the long term.

  I recall when four separate and completely unrelated friends said, AFTER I left an emotionally abusive relationship, "I couldn't understand why you stayed with him". My overwhelming feeling was "Why didn't you say that to me at the time? It would have helped."

  So to women in any kind of abusive relationship ...... JUST LEAVE!

  DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO! Just don't go back to him.

  And to those of you who see people you know in unequal or abusive relationships, please speak out. Speak to her mainly, and if you have the courage, speak to him.
• 

  Scott77

  Sigh
• 

  White Dove

  Yes, but they will need a plan and people to support their plan on the outside. Help with the kids and such.
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  Quillsky

  Yes, but they will need a plan and people to support their plan on the outside. Help with the kids and such.

  Exactly. And it's only once she ditches the victim mindset that she will be able to make a plan.
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  Scott77

  	"...And it's only once she ditches the victim mindset that she will be able to make a plan."
  	Quillsky

  Sigh
• 

  tec

  but I have been there emotionally

  I'm sorry, Quillsky. In some ways, this is worse. No one sees it. Few people understand it, and so even fewer people will make a huge issue about encouraging you to leave.

  So I wasn't saying that people shouldn't tell an abuse victim to leave. I certainly think that they should, and for exactly the reason you stated. An abuse victim (certainly an emotional abuse victim) may think it is their own problem unless someone else speaks up about noticing it.

  If this is what you were mainly addressing, then I totally agree.

  But sometimes that abuse is hidden from the rest of the world. Or the rest of the world isn't around to care much. Or that person was abused as a child, and they never recovered from that. Then, by the time someone does see and tries to say something, that 'poor me' is just as much a part of a person as their own name.

  Tammy
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  Quillsky

  I think we understand each other, Tammy.

  I'm not sure what Scott's sighs mean though.
• 

  jamiebowers

  Victim mentality shouldn't be confused with learned helplessness. You feel like a victim when you get beaten, choked and kicked, believe me! Learned helplessness involves giving the abuser god-like status and the inability to make an escape. It is just as strong as cult mind control and unfortunately hard to break. The abuser usually keeps the abused isolated, so it's difficult for her to understand that a way out is possible. Saying things like "poor me doesn't work for me" only reinforces the victim's learned helplessness, because she is being attacked for being attacked.

  "Just leave" is about the worst advice you can give a battered woman, because her life is most at risk when she does leave. Careful planning and preparation with domestic violence professionals, the courts and law enforcement are key. The best thing to do for a battered woman is to educate her about to whom and where she should go for help.

  I'm sorry for people who have been in emotionally abusive relationships, but it is nowhere near what it is like being in a physically abusive relationship. And don't forget that the battered woman is also dealing with emotional abuse as well. And there is a huge price for leaving, even if it's done successfully.

  To any battered woman who may be reading this thread, please know that there is help out there for you. The key is to choose that help wisely so you can escape and keep yourself safe. It will be difficult, sometimes moreso than just staying and being beaten. But in the long run, you'll be saving your own life and giving yourself a chance at happiness.

  For more information, please see: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/?logout
• 

  mindmelda

  There's a reason that there are safe houses where battered women can go to get away from an abuser. If they just gave up and let you go with no retaliation, well...who'd need those?

  When you hear, "If you leave, I'll hunt you down and kill you" constantly, why wouldn't you believe it if you know the person is capable of violence?
• 

  jamiebowers

  what do you think regarding the action her JW abusive husband, the congregational Elders, and finally, the WTS attitude when she finally reported the accident to them? Is there any related experienes that you might have come across?

  Scott77, since you've asked these questions twice I will go into detail about my experience and that of others who have confided in me.

  Generally speaking, abusive jw husbands know that they can continue as such, because they are the head of the family and the wife must be in submission. For example, there were times when the abuse I suffered was visibile to others such as when my jw husband stomped by arm black from shoulder to wrist. It was severely brusied for weeks, yet no one in the congregation said a word. Even when the abuse wasn't apparent, he would freely confess what he was doing to me, yet I was advised to be a better wife and wait on Jehovah. I used to think that the Watchtower just had it in for women, but I was wrong. In every case that I've known, the spouse who refuses to completely submit to the Watchtower is the one who is df'd, which is usually the abused one, because he or she leaves the marriage and goes on with their lives in order to escape the domestic abuse.

  The "scriptural grounds" for remarriage, including the necessity of stalking to prove adultery is the way that the Watchtower gets rid of battered spouses who have the nerve to complain about their treatment. That's the evil beauty of it, because it works both ways. An abused spouse many times will either commit adultery or make a false confession of adultery just to rid the abuser from their lives or will be tried and convicted of adultery just for having someone around to protect them, as happened with Mary Aguilar.