Avishi,
The point of my thread is obvious. Abusive women don't grow on threads. Most are victims of childhood abuse. If women's self-esteem flourished two things would happen: 1. abusers would be less frequent b/c the underlying pathology would be removed, and 2. victims would have enough esteem to set boundaries. Abuse never occurs in a vacuum. Reading Virginia Wolf empowers women. There was a dearth of any literature or culture supporting powerful women when I was raised. Women could be compliant nothings or bimbos. Nothing was open in the middle. The same dynamic holds true for male abusers. Someone does not go to bed one night and wake an abuser.
Since this thread was first posted, I've had a nasty scene with a high school friend who was super controlling. Altho I never learned her physical address, she dictated whether I could use 1 ply or 2 ply paper towels to dispose of coffee grounds, whether I could have a puppy or senior dog, where I could buy clothes. The underlying tension is that I believe the unexamined life is not worth much but when there is no reciprocity, things don't work well. My therapy sessions were scrutinized, she knows my therapy appt dates and the physician's name. I know nothing of the reverse. Killing time, I talked with a store designer about ordering chairs that need to be replaced. She wrote back that I don't deserve good furniture b/c she lives in a house and I live in an apartment. Apartment furniture should be junky. Houses never have floods. OUr priorities are different. Her friends will stilll love her in a trailer park.
I learned that reading about boundaries is a whiz. Actually setting them is quite a challenge. Even as young child, I hated the Witnesses but looked the other way to gain family approval. During the last several years, I've been active in Adult Children of Alcoholics. The Twelve Step approach made me conscious of my controlling ways and that control is impossible. When I read the literature, I thought if I just set a perfect boundary and used eloquent, moving language, all would be fine. I must have been on an altered plan. Probably in most cases, the friendship ends. My confidence and esteem will no longer be analyzed by my friend. I don't need her approval, tho, I would like it. So I set a boundary successfully. Yet I wonder if I intervened at the coffee grounds would there be a different result.I don't think so.
I've just finished Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them, where my JW parents relationships was discussed several times a page. Altho I feel crappy now, I rejoice that I did not continue to comply. I prepared a quick Word document without much thought. I compiled twenty different outrageous control actions in a few minutes. Reading about my change, I am a gazelle in my fantasies. It is all so fluid and easy. In real life, I am so kluzty. I expect many Witnesses and former Witnesses have trouble setting boundaries. If you can't admit to any doubts, how does one learn to trust their gut? I learned I was nothing, a lowly, brazen female. I became an abuser's fantasy.