Fallen out of love with Husband?

by bloominglotus 108 Replies latest social family

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  bloominglotus

  Hi u guys. Right now I am literally in tears because I am so confused right now as to the state of my marriage. Lately, I have been really noticing some major flaws in my husband(well at least they appear major in MY eyes). I am noticing characteristics or traits which in my eyes are not flattering and is a major turnoff. This is not only on a aesthetic level but also how he talks to me. Sometimes he displays this pompous,competitive "I am better than u" attitude which in my eyes is not becoming of him. I am no longer attracted to my husband and Im not sure if I'm still in love w/ him. This of course has affected our sexual relationship because like I said he is starting to not care of his physical appearance and because of that I am not really in the mood for all of that.And of course that is his biggest gripe---lack of intimacy.

  In the beginning of our relationship he kept up his physical appearance very well (good hygiene, clean shaven, decent clothes). Now he is starting to look like a straight BUM. I brought it to his attention how I have seen these changes in him throughout the 6 yrs. we've been together. Its like he doesnt even attempt to look good for me anymore I guess because he have me now. So I guess there's no need to impress me. Lately I have been really trying to take care of myself emotionally and physically. But it seems as if whenever I ask my husband if he wants to join me in exercising,walking,etc he always come up with an excuse. I want us both to attain a healthy emotional and physical well being to prolong our life together and for our children. When I brought to his attention the changes that he has undergone I can tell he was a little hurt. I really was conscious of the way I approached him about it. But nevertheless, he was still hurt which is understandable being that I would of been a little hurt if he told me the same thing.

  I mean I know that I am not exempt from any changes throughout our relationship. I am actually trying to become a better person. But lately I have been asking myself a serious question: Why exactly did I marry my husband? Well, to be honest I met my husband while I was DF. I was a very young naive 19yo going thru a lot things. With being separated from my family during Hurrican Katrina and ending up in another state by myself, the trauma of being DF and dealing w/ other traumatic events really affected me. As of now I look at those events as making me a stronger person. We got pregnant still somewhat under the mind control of that org believing it to be "the truth" and the egging of return from my mother(still a JW), I slowly began to regress to becoming a JW again b/c I felt it was the right thing to do. I knew of course that in order to come back I would have to get married and "stop living in sin".I began to feel that w/ everything I was going thru,doing this would make everything better because then I would feel I would have god's approval.

  At this point I began to pressure him into marriage asap because the sooner I get married the sooner I can get reinstated.... I was very manipulative and finally we got married. Now he always expressed his desire to marry me even before the kids but he just didnt want to do when I wanted to do it. I look back and ask myself, ' If we never had kids or if I never was a JW would I have wanted to truly marry this man? I feel guilty for manipulating him for my own selfish reasons....Im starting to question whether I was TRULY IN LOVE with him or was it simply a learned behavior or emotion....
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  BurnTheShips
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  SixofNine

  What are you drinkin' tonight, Burns? Absinthe of Malice?
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  BurnTheShips
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  beksbks

  Hello Mrs. Burn!
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  tec

  Lotus, may I ask: how old are your children?

  I personally think that every marriage goes through this stage at some point. The novelty is gone... the 'in love'... stage has worn down a bit, and some couples don't find that there is anything deeper keeping them together. But marriage is more than just being 'in love'. It is loving one another as oneself, caring for one another... and it is give and take and work.

  I can only speak from my own experience, but if you work through some of these stages, then you come out on the other side with a deeper appreciation of your partner, yourself, and the staying power of your marriage. Whether you wish to work through them or not is up to you, but again, I think these stages, these periods of discontent, are normal. They pass, and you'll be stronger for it... again, if you choose to take that course. But if your husband is a good man, father, husband, I hope you think hard about this.

  The reason that I ask about your children is because often couples lose sight of one another when the children are young. Their time goes into children and their energy gets used up (not that this is a bad thing). If you want to work it out, then I would suggest looking at the deeper things in your husband. If you are stay at home, then that 'I'm better than you' attitude from him and annoyed response from you is also normal. I know of no stay-at-home mom, working husband that does not share these attitudes at times. I've gotten my husband to see the other side occasionally, when our roles have had to reverse temporarily for whatever reason.

  I would suggest also that you not spend time wondering if you would have done things differently, or thinking about what might have been, "if only". Those thoughts will eat you up with doubt and regret. Pay attention to now, and to the future.

  Burns:

  Women are all whores, but real whores are at least honest up front.

  Something eating at you, Burns? Because that was way out of line.

  Tammy
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  sooner7nc

  jesus h. christ, beks.
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  bloominglotus

  Hmmmm interesting perspective BurnTheShips....

  I never stated that I was perfect actually I asked him if he has been depressed lately out of genuine concern. He was in the military and he suffers from PTSD. To be honest, because of his depression he has resorted to physical and emotional abuse towards me as well. And thats something else that has changed about him.No he has not been honest and faithful. I however have been faithful to him.And by displaying these actions in my eyes he is not putting his family before his self. Yes, he provide materially.

  "Women are all whores" A whore is a woman OR man that engages in sexual acts for money or one who is promiscuous. Can not a man be a whore? Im picking up on your borderline women bashing tangent....which is a whole notha subject. But thank you for your response
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  tec

  To be honest, because of his depression he has resorted to physical and emotional abuse towards me as well. And thats something else that has changed about him.No he has not been honest and faithful. I however have been faithful to him.And by displaying these actions in my eyes he is not putting his family before his self. Yes, he provide materially.

  That changes things from my response. Abuse requires therapy and legal intervention. I know emotional abuse can be a bit 'iffy' as to whether or not you feel it is legitimate - though it is no less insidious, regardless. But physical abuse is quite black and white. If he has PTSD from military and has resorted to abusing you, then he needs therapy, and you need to be safe.

  Tammy
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  Snoozy

  We can only offer our own viewpoints, for a more specialized observation I would recommend some kind of family or individual counseling..

  Too many people are willing to just throw a marriage away when the spark fades (if there ever was a spark) but marriage is much more than that. It is a sharing , a togetherness. without it you will both be miserable. I would suggest acting one way or another , getting counseling or getting out as soon as possible to save anyone in the family from further unhappiness. Life's too short to waste it complaining about your marrage on a discussion board that has no qualified therapists..

  Go to a professional for your help.

  If you can't afford it call the United Way, they counsel on a sliding scale.

  Snoozy...who also wants to say nice to have you on board...and I only mean to help.