It's like being dead, yet alive at the same time,
This is by design. This is a part of the doctrine of cults. This life is worthless, useless, as are YOU. Only by serving the cult acceptably will you be rewarded in the NEXT phase/life/whatever. THAT life is the REAL life. THIS life is nothing; no hope, no joy, only servitude and death. BUT if you serve well, then 'jam tomorrow.' Only tomorrow never comes.