Heresy of the Month (from a website)
Don't you hate it when someone you know comes up with some new thing that you have never heard about? You sit there in apparent ignorance as they pontificate about the proofs and merits of some idea so far beyond common knowledge that it can only be revealed by people of exceptional enlightenment such as they. Well now you have recourse! You can baffle your friends. Impress the opposite sex. It can be easily accomplished by joining the Heresy of the Month Club!
Imagine the deep sense of satisfaction you can feel the next time a Jehovah's Witness knocks on your door. When he says, "Have you heard about Jehovah's kingdom?"
You confidently reply, "Of course. But have you heard about the Church of the Leaner Day Saints?"
Invite him in and you become the one with the higher knowledge benevolently leading him down the path of truth. And you got it here, before anyone else, at Heresy of the Month!
This month's heresy, The Church of the Leaner Day Saints, finds it's origin in a rather creative interpretation of Matthew 7:13-14.
"Enter ye in at the straight gate: For wide is the gate, and broad is the way that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it."
Yes, even Jesus himself, was known to be a thin person. How else could you get through that narrow gate? Jesus criticized the obese pharisees who were too fat to wear normal clothes.
"But all their works they do to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the boarders of their garments." Matthew 23:5
Consider the deep and profound symbolism of the dream of Pharaoh recorded in Genesis 41:1-7. Pharaoh sees 7 fat cows followed by 7 lean cows. The lean ones eat the fat ones. Then he sees 7 fat ears of grain followed by 7 lean ears of grain. The lean consumes the fat. This is symbolic literature. Both the animal world and the vegetable world are included. This signifies the totality of God's condemnation of fat. The consuming doesn't mean that we are to eat fat people. It rather refers to the tendency we all have to consume what we love. This very thing was pointed out by Sigmund Freud and is intrinsically tied up in our subconscious desires to still be breast fed. Though we still love those who have fallen into the error of gluttony, we who are called of God to walk the narrow path must not fall into the same pit of obesity, for the fat are to be destroyed and the lean will prevail. Is it any wonder that Leviticus 4:31 says, "And he shall take away all the fat thereof"
The truth can more clearly be seen by critical analysis of some texts such as Leviticus 1:12 If one accounts for the obvious redactor's comment added between the words head and fat and corrects for the author's dyslexia then, "with his head and his fat" becomes, "with his fat head" which the author then instructs the reader to lay on the alter and cut to peaces.
But how, you may ask, is one to achieve this gaunt and salvific state? The answer can be found in Philipians 2:12: "Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling."
So we are to work out. But what type of exercise is best for entering that narrow gate? Certainly not weight training. Muscle bound meat heads could never fit in. Look at Ezekiel 34:16.
"I will destroy the fat and the strong."
The scripture recommends running for that sevete look. Hebrews `12:1 states that we should lay aside every weight and run with patience.
Now you have the inside scoop. You are the enlightened one. Memorize these verses and you can astound anyone who hasn't read the Bible because they think it can't be understood. Be careful however not to read whole books of the Bible as a unit. That type of knowledge can be rightly interpreted only by super spiritually enlightened people, such as we here at Heresy of the Month.
Heresy of the Month
by thinker 87 Replies latest watchtower bible
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thinker
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RR
and your point is .....?
"People in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones"
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larc
Brother Thinker,
Verily, verily, brother thinker you have shown us the light! It is truely a wondrous day in my life. From now on instead of eating a "feast of fat things" me and my household will be eating a feast of thin things.
I do believe there are some other proofs too. Jonah was thin. A whale wouldn't try to swallow a fat guy. Noah and his family were thin, otherwise they would have sunk the Arch. All of the 12 aspostles were thin. After all, bread and wine for your last supper is not exactly gorging yourself. It is all coming together for me!
I do have a "Question from the Reader." You said that this does not mean that we should eat fat people. Then, in the very next sentence you talk about the "tendency we all have to consume what we love." What if we love a fat person?
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amicus
I beseach you my bredren' to forgive the presumptive fatness of the unbeliever. HOLLYWOOD will show you the way. Humble yourselves before the thin, seek anorexia!
Praise be to the god of 'No-body-fat'!
Fasting is the way of holiness, fatness brings corruption. Amen. Praise Hollywood. Praise the thin. Yes, we praise starvation! Amen.
I pray to my lord, my thin god, that all mankind might starve and come to be one with you. Amen.
Blessed be the starved,
For they will doubt all of their religious leaders. (Hey, wait a minute,....who wrote that last fuc....in line? How in the hell do you think we are ever going to be able to secure funding if we........)Edited by - amicus on 12 January 2001 1:21:50
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larc
Amicus,
You're words are inspiring, and I am perspiring while I read them, which is helping me lose weight. Here on the dawn of a new religion my heart beats faster, which is also helping me lose weight. Oh, the glory of it!
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larc
Brother Thinker,
Do you know how close I came to being stumbled? When I first saw your subject come up, I thought it said Hershey of the Month, as in a new chocolate. Oh, what a sinner I am to have these impure thoughts!
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thinkers wife
Larc,
I'm not sure how my beloved is going to handle loving the larger woman thing with this post in mind. Because I'm here to tell you, it is Jack Sprat could eat no fat his wife could eat no lean in this household.
Perhaps you could share some of your wonderful insightfulness with us.
HELP!!
TW -
larc
Thinker's Wife,
There is no problem here at all. Just go back to my Question to the Reader, and have him read it and then he will look at you and he will say "Yum Yum"
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thinkers wife
Larc,
You are right as usual. He says "Yum Yum" everytime he looks at me. I can see it in his eyes, thank you for clearing this up! -
RedhorseWoman
Just how freaking narrow is this freaking gate, anyway? And what about the contradictory "fat of the land" comments?