Heresy of the Month (page 4)

mommy

I have had a vision!
I need interpretation.
I am in an oversized bathtub bubbles and rose petals EVERWHERE. Candles and incense burning...The house is silent(my house is never completly silent)
I hear chanting almost angelic in sound.... wait it is becoming clearer...the sound is louder....CALGON....CALGON take me away..
Please oh please brothers help me I fear I will never see this vision in real life.
What do I need to do to make this a reality?

larc

Thinker,

I was not sure about this idea of daily baptism, until I read further that it could be a daily shower, I am already doing that with great holiness.

As cofounder, I think is proper for you to be CEO, because you were the first to understand the importance of thinness. My only aspiration is to be Treasurer.

Dear Sister Mommy - don't despair.

All your fondest dreams will be realized, and I will show you the path to glory. First, you must hire a plumber to install that oversized bath tub. Then, you need to go to a florist and get some left over pedals. After that, you should go to WallMart, KMart, or another one of those Marts and get yourself some of the bubbly stuff, some incense and some candles. Go home and arrange everything around your beautiful new tub, turn on some nice warm water, then dip yourself into that water, and call me on your cell phone, and I'll be right over ... oops ... I went too far. Don't tell anybody I said that last thing. It's hard to remain strong when you are cofounder of a new Heresy.

larc

Well Brothern and Cistern,

I am ready to give my first sermon on luve and respect, which I promised to you many times. This could go four or fives pages, but I'll leave out the 45 scriptures of proof and just get to the main point.

Flock,

You know the Bible sez you should luve your mommy and your pappy, in other words, your parents, but brothern and cistern I am telling you now, you must go beyond this simple instruction, you must go the extra mile to prove the depths of your luv, you must learn to love your parrots, that's right friends, love your parrots as much as you love your parents. This shows the true meaning of luve. And if your parrot's loved one dies, what should you do? After your parrot gets through the grieving, the very first thing you must do is take your parrot to "Parrots Without Partners." Hey, wouldn't your Parrot do the same thing for you?

I think with new understanding, you will never be tempted to roast you parrot at Thanksgiving, even if your parrot cusses a lot, cause you know he got that cussin from you, and killin him would be like killen part of yourself, but since you never influenced a turkey, by saying gobble, gobble, in an obscene way, they are fair game and they are going to be on the diner plate.

Well, I hope everything I have said here will bring you closer to spiritual fullness. Truely, a low calorie serman for you to digest. (If I had thrown in the 45 scriptures of proof it would have been a high calory sermom) Just remember the parable of the parrot and the turkey and in 4001 this will all mean something to somebody. I think they will call it the "Parrot Class" and the "Turkey Class"

After the song, remember to reach into those jeans for that green salad of salvation and put all you have into the collection box. Brothern and Cistern just jump and shout and turn you pockets inside out!

Next week I will be preachin from the book of Hominominies.

By the way brother Thinker, I'm a little weak on the scripture side of it so if you can find anything out about parrots and turkeys, would you send me a private e mail?

thinker

To those of the not-so-lean class,

Even the not-so-lean should have faith:
Isa17:4 "And in that day it shall come to pass, that the glory of Jacob shall be made thin, and the fatness of his flesh shall wax lean." (KJV)
For even John was a little heavy:
John1:6 "There was a man sent from God, whose name was John."
John1:8 "He was not that Light, but..." (KJV)

To One and ALL,

Proof of the Baptismal Bath:
Eze45:10 "Ye shall have just balances, and a just ephah, and a just bath." (KJV)

To Sister Mommy,
Clearly you have experienced a spiritual baptism. Consider yourself a part of the annointed herd. Have faith, your vision will come true as written above in Eze45:10 .

Elder Larc,
Nothing yet on the aforementioned birds, but look at this:
Eze34:20 "Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD unto them; Behold, I, even I, will judge between the fat cattle and between the lean cattle."
Could it be that our "flock" is really a herd?

Much study yet to do...

thinker

Edited by - thinker on 19 January 2001 9:3:44

larc

Brother Thinker,

Your grasp of scripture is remarkable, and not only that it's pretty good. Between us, we have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there four classes and maybe even more. There is the parrot class, the turkey class, the sheep class and the herd class. Now, if Mommies vision is as visionary as we both think it is, we may also include the bath tub class. Oh Glory, Glory, how the light (Not the heavy) doth shine!

Flock, I hope you can be here for my sermon from the book of Hominomies next week and remember to fill up your jeans with that green salad of salvation, so you can jump and shout and turn your pockets inside out!

RedhorseWoman

My dearest Brother Larc.....what the Flock are you talking about? Parrots, indeed. Who ever heard of Parrots and Turkeys? This whole thing is a flocking abomination. We need flocking sheep, not flocking parrots!

And to my dear Sister Wendy.....as the great god Nike once said....Just Do It!

thinker

It appears Sister Redhorse has doubts! Shame, shame, shame. Read on for more proofs!
The work of the Leaner Day Saints continues! From the archives of the most holy Weekly World News:

WORLD'S ONLY 'FAT' EXORCIST!
Priest banishes the demons that make you fat!
NEW ORLEANS, La. -- Obesity is caused by demons who possess the body and compel the victim to overeat and get fat, says a controversial former Catholic priest. And he says he can help chubby people dump their excess pounds -- as the world's only professional 'fat' exorcist!

Father Jon Shaunt is being condemned as a charlatan by consumer rights groups, the medical community and even the Catholic Church, which ex-communicated him in 1992 for heresy.
But he's adored by the hundreds who have slimmed down to a perfect weight after experiencing his exorcism ceremony -- which costs a cool $5,000.
"Jesus taught that physical maladies were the result of demons in the body," says Shaunt, 48. "The New Testament is full of cases of Christ freeing people of the demons that caused their illnesses. Every fat person who ever lived knows that a power greater than them takes over and makes them eat pizza and ice cream even when they themselves don't want to.
"All I do is summon the fat causing demons to leave the body.
"I don't think $5,000 is excessive for the service I render."
Rhonda Laburn, 40, agrees. she weighed 343 pounds and had tried every diet in the book. She'd been through countless weight loss programs and taken hundreds of exercise classes, all to no avail.
"I needed to exorcise -- not exercise," quips the happy and now slim housewife.
"Father Shaunt explained that my problem was demonic possession and offered to perform the exorcism for $5,000. Anyone who was ever chronically obese knows it's worth 10 times that amount to be free of that mountain of fat.
"He lit some candles and incense, sprinkled some holy water over me and said some words ordering the evil demons to leave my body. I felt an immediate peace in my heart. My fat began to melt away like spring snow and I haven't had an urge to overeat since." Mrs. Laburn now weighs a lean 125 and is maintaining her weight.
Here are a few more testimonials from Shaunt's happy devotees:
"I felt 30 pounds lighter the instant he commanded those spirits to come out of me."
-- Martin H. (Lost 204 pounds)
"I've been reborn as a thin person thanks to this wonderful man."
-- Lucille L. (Lost 218 pounds -- in four months)
"Father Shaunt should be made a saint for the miracles he's working."
-- Diana S (Husband lost 80 pounds)

thinker

Edited by - thinker on 19 January 2001 15:18:21

RedhorseWoman

"Fat" Exorcist.....now there's something to be thankful for. I guess saying that "the Devil made me do it" is appropriate....especially in the consideration of the over-consumption of DingDongs.

larc

Dear Sweet Sister RedHorseWoman,

I understand your deep frustration, about not getting discernment regarding these new truths about the classes of parrots, turkeys, sheeps, and herds. I think with more study, it will become clear to you. Sister, I know you are meek and teachable, so all these things will come to you in good time. Have faith dear sister. In the mean time just remember not to roast your favorite parrot, unless of course you are completely out of groceries, then it is not a sin. Also, remember, never eat feathers.

I hope you feel duly uplifted and encouraged, soon you will leave the Herhsey of the month and join us fully in the Heresy of the month.

Say ahmen flock!

thinker

Do the light ones really teach the truth?

Psa43:3 O send out thy LIGHT and thy truth: let them lead me; let them bring me unto thy holy hill, and to thy tabernacles.
Dan2:22 He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the LIGHT dwelleth with him.

Brothers and Sisters of the heavy herd, do not be tempted by worldly diets! Fear not, for the biblical diet says you will become lighter as you sleep! All you need do is be upright.

Psa112:4 Unto the upright there ariseth LIGHT in the darkness(lose weight while sleeping!): he is gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous.

Coming soon: Issue No.2 of The Leaning Tower
Stay posted.

thinker

Heresy of the Month

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