Got a angry letter from our oldest son today we are very hurt from it. (page 5)

Roberta804

ADD,

Your doing the very best thing by listening to him vent even when it hurts you. As counter productive as it sounds, encourage him to vent AT YOU and his mother. The more he does the sooner he will get over it.

LongHairGal

TotallyADD:

Nobody wants to get a letter like this.

A few years after I became a JW, I wrote my parents an accusing letter like the one you got. I came from a dysfunctional non-JW family. I know there are worse horror stories but I still feel they didn't do right by us.

I had unresolved anger issues and had to get things off my chest. I needed the control that a letter would give me as opposed to a conversation where people are interrupting, etc. Maybe the letter was not as long as yours but it was very to the point. I outlined all the atrocities and how they let us down as children. (Thankfully for us, there were loving grandparents and aunts who we saw frequently and this possibly mitigated the damage.)

I never received an answer and they never even acknowledged it (perhaps they think the JWs influenced me). No apologies. For many years I never bothered with them. It was only years later I re-established contact with them.

I am not directing this at you (and I am sure you did your best), but I think that too many parents feel unanswerable to anybody for what goes on in their house and what they do (or do not do) to their children. I have forgiven them at this point. The memories are dim and the pain they caused is forgotten. My mother is gone now and my father is elderly and senile.

Because you sent a loving and apologetic reply, there is hope that your son will forgive you. Don't give up hope.

TotallyADD

LongHairGal after I read the letter I could see extreme anger. Also I agree with many things he brought out but not all of them. Some things he was way off base but I know it was his anger. The thing is I forced myself to go in therapy back in 2006 and 2007. Part of my therapy was to apologize to my boys which I was happy to do. We made a camping weekend out of it. Since then when the subject would come up I would always say how sorry I was for it. In his letter he brought out saying sorry is not enough that I need to go to more therapy to become something he will apporve of. In many ways I have tried very hard to stop bad habits I had. Do I mess up from time to time? Yes I do but the diffrence is I recognize I messed up and work on it to not happen again. Were before I would just keep doing it. My son does not understand where I am coming from and how hard I have tried to change. I was 53 years old when I started I am now soon to be 59 and feel very good about myself. I will accept my son's anger and will let him come to us if he wants to talk about it. If his wife will let him. She is the one we feel is the one who brought this on because he told her we don't believe in the JW cult anymore. In his letter we could see it was her thoughts being wrote down. Our son may will forgive us one of these days as long as his wife will let him. She is that controlling. That's why she has never really liked us because we would not let her control us. Totally ADD

Oubliette

TotallyADD,

I greatly appreciate your openness on this forum in acknowledging the mistakes you've made. It sets a good example and I hope your son soon responds.

That being said I want to point out something that you may not have noticed, a connection between something your son said to you and a comment you made about your daughter-in-law.

Your son said:

I need to go to more therapy to become something he will approve of.

You commented about your daughter:

That's why she has never really liked us because we would not let her control us.

Do you see the connection?

The WT/JW belief system is a high-control cult. The more its members try to conform to these beliefs, the more they take on the traits of the leadership.

It's all about control.

Why would your son (or anyone for that matter) ever even think, let alone say, to another adult, "You need to become something I approve!"

Um, no!

Perhaps you can slowly and gently teach your son what unconditional love is all about.

whathappened

I like your letter and hope things work out for you and your wife. We have all been abused in one way or another. It's a sad world for some of us.

outsmartthesystem

I am very sorry to hear this. It is sad to hear stories of family dysfunction being cause by the Watchtower. It is sadder yet to hear that families are breaking apart for no other reason than that SOMEONE had the courage to LEAVE the abuse.

TotallyADD

Thanks Oubliette for that observation. Yes my wife and I did make that connection. She is only doing what she has been taught since see was a baby. Like the WT if you loose control you have loss everything. The idea of unconditional love is also new for my wife and I so hopefully we will set the right example for him. At any rate it will be a learning experience for all of us. Getting this damm cult out of our system is a big pain in the ass. Totally ADD

StAnn

Totally ADD, I do like your response to your son. However, I want to caution you about one thing. I told off my JW mother years ago and I've never looked back. I don't want a relationship with her, now or ever. Just know that offering an olive branch is the right thing to do, but your son may have so many issues of his own that he wants to put people he considers "toxic" out of his life for good.

Best of luck to you for a reconciliation.

jamiebowers

I'm sorry you two are going through this. I had a feeling that your unwell daughter-in-law was behind your son's anger upon reading this thread's opening post. She's a very mentally ill woman from what you've told me in private. Unless your son gets help from a real therapist, he is going to allow his wife, and the jw "therapist" by extension, to form his opinions.

TotallyADD

Amen jamie. Totally ADD

Got a angry letter from our oldest son today we are very hurt from it.

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