Got a angry letter from our oldest son today we are very hurt from it. (page 7)

TotallyADD

Incognito thanks for the advice. I read that book serveral years ago and gave it to my oldest son. I think that's were he got the word toxic parent in his letter. Totally ADD

I'm glad you're familiar with the book and that you already recommended it to your son. As it appears he uses terms from the book but makes stipulations that you must do before you 'might' be acceptable to him, it seems he cherry picked what he wanted from the book but has not benefitted from the advice that was intended to be conveyed.

Perhaps you could remind him you have already made major changes in your life when you realized matters were becoming unbalanced and unhealthy and thereby sought the assistance and advice of a professionally trained therapist. He might acknowledge the positive changes you've already made although he may not want to due to the influence or fear of his wife.

As you willingly made changes you found to be necessary, the onus is on him to somehow deal with past issues that cannot be undone. These are his issues to deal with and if he cannot do it himself, he should seek the help of a professional & unbiased therapist.

Incog

TotallyADD

Thanks Incognito I agree with what you had to say. Totally ADD

Band on the Run

I read the book. It seems to be popular with dysfunctional family troubled cases. A friend recommended it. It tore me inside out. Of course, it has its agenda.

Frankly, an "I'm sorry" and time go far. A sincere, ripped from the soul, "I'm sorry." Jesus did not have perfect parents. I can just picture the pious Nazareth Jews embracing Mary. What angel, Gabriel? Mangificant.. Right.

LisaRose

Perhaps you should offer to pay for therapy to help your son move on in his life, if that is possible for you. I don't know what more you can do. At some point he does have to take responsibility for himself, no matter what you have done. Nobody gets perfect parents, we all have to deal with that. My childhood was chaos, my parents moved constantly (traumatic for a shy child), had two failed businesses, and never had any money. My mom constantly put down my dad and complained, she never really understood me, and wondered why I wasn't more like my outgoing sister ( she was a cheerleader!), she had extreme mood swings, then they became dubbies, and I had that to deal with, I was never a good enough daughter/dub/wife/mother, for her. She sent me a letter before she died saying she wouldn't talk to me anymore because she wanted to "die with a clean conscience", then whined because I never called??? But she loved me in her own flawed way, none of it was intentional, so I forgave her, holding a grudge would hurt only me. Your son has to get to that place on his own. I am sad for him and you.

TotallyADD

LisaRose one of his conditions is my wife and I go to therapy. He feels we didn't get enough therapy when we did go back in 2007. Therapy is out of the question for us and for paying for our son's therapy. No insurance or extra money to pay for it. The therapist told my wife didn't really need any and I was as far as I could go with mine. I have offten said I would like to get a little more but money is the factor. Thank you for your concern and sorry for what you also went through. Totally ADD

blondie

I had toxic parents, they're dead now. They never admitted their responsibility in their abuse of their children. All I could change was me and how I reacted their continuing abuse. I went to therapy at my expense to get help for me. I was very specific and respecftful telling my parents what hurt me and how they were still hurting me and what they had to change for me to continue being around them. They admitted their abuse, current abuse, but refused to change. I saw neither of them for the last 10 years of their lives.

I don't know you or your son but being specific about what hurts and what needs to change is necessary. And being specific, giving examples. Things may not change but at that time, you have done all you can do. It may be possible to try again after time but perhaps not. I tried this 3 times over 20 years with my parents and realized things would not change.

Have the parties been specific about what they would like to see change and give examples of what is currently happening? Realize in the end the only person we have some control over is ourselves, not the other person.

My one jw SIL has cut off my brother from all his siblings. He knows that we are not the demons she paints, but it would mean walking away from his marriage. And he is not ready to do that. Better to abandon all of us. She has cut him off all of his friends as well even moving away from the last couple because she could not dig up enough sins.

The US has many "free" and adjusted rate therapists. There is nothing wrong with getting a temporary third party perspective.

Blondie

wallsofjericho

Hi TADD

You have a PM

TotallyADD

Thanks blondie for your advice and sharing with us what you had to do with your parents. I was hoping I nip this in the bud back in 2007 after my therapy and his. Coming from a very toxic back ground myself. I still can't believe how bad it was for me and my kids. In his letter which was not respecftful like yours he mentions he does not care about my past or being in the cult. He feels that is not a excuse and he is right to a point. According to him I have not worked hard enough to change things. That I don't agree with again to a point. We all have room for impovement and I know I do. I would love to talk these things out with him but again he stated in his letter he wants no contact with us until we go through therapy and after that he will judge if we are free of all the dysfunctions he feels we have. His letter was very disrespectful and much anger and hateful judgement in it. That's OK I can live with it. We do know his wife is behind this for she is a very controlling person. She and I have never gotten along because she trys to control my wife and I and when she can't she would go into these rages. The last message our son left with us on our phone over 2 months ago was after he told his wife we are not JW anymore she was in a horrible rage and did not know what to do. We feel this is her way of not having us around our son anymore by putting all these stipulation on us. And he is going along with this. For many years now I have asked him on and off if everything is going alright with us. If not please let me know and we will try to work it out. He told me time and time again it was. He even told us that when the word got out we are not JW anymore he would prevent his wife from not having us see the children. This is not the case now.

Around here I have a hard enough time going to a Dr. and paying for it. In our state mental health has been slash to the nub. Right now all I can hope for is the letter I sent him back. I hope it will soften his heart just to talk to us. Thank you blondie for your concern. Totally ADD

love2Bworldly

TotallyADD-- I feel your pain. Not sure how old your kids are, but my middle son is now 23 and I am realizing why we have not been close for many years until recently. He is working through his issues of everything I did wrong as a mother and he used to blame me for everything (I was a single mom).

As young people change & grow up, they go through a lot of different stages. When they are really little, they think their parents walk on water, when they are teenagers they think their parents are bad etc, when they become young adults-- they blame their parents for everything until they realize their parents did the best they could. But some people never really get that epithamy that their parents did the best they could. My childhood was extremely dysfunctional and I did blame my parents for many many years, until one day I realized they did the best they knew how because they were emotionally sick. Now I really am amazed by my parents' accomplishments, (but not their parenting skills obviously).

Your letter was perfect. It was short and loving and non blaming. I hope your son will have an epithamy one day and see that you did your best.

Got a angry letter from our oldest son today we are very hurt from it.

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