This is from the elders book and is kept strictly out of view by a JW, which means you will not be able to show it to him.
Passion-arousing
heavy petting
or caress ing of breasts on numerous occasions be tween individuals not married to each other. If such conduct occured on a few isolated occa-Sions, especially between two persons involved in a courtship with the intent to marry counsel from two elders may suffice to handle such mi nor uncleanness. The elders should inform the coordinator of the situation. However; if the conduct occurred on numerous occasions
and the actions escalated in gravi ty and frequency, it may constitute gross uncleaness with greediness, requiring judicial action Their \.vrongdoing may constitute brazen conduct if they give evi dence of a disrespectful, insolent attitude toward God's laws.
For example the individuals rnay
have no honorable intentions of pursuing marriage.
Sorry about the format.
You're in a dilema and I think you are right. It sounds like the problem will eat away at your marriage if you do get the courage to go through with it and you should seriously consider the advice you have been given on this thread.
If he goes back to the elders to confess about the whole incident, in theory and according to their guidebook the matter should be treated just the same as if he had only been touching your breasts. But now the problem is that he was not honest in the first place and these elders can be a very odd bunch in their thinking. Notice how the above says that their could be action if the person shows an insolent or disrespectful attitude? They could consider they you both contrived to hide information from them as being very disrespectful. You just don't know with these guys.
But it is likely that what he did was wrong and you took part in it will always be remembered with a guilt feeling. This is what is taught in the Watchtower
Watchtower 81 11/1
An engaged Christian couple who were soon to be married let their guard down and engaged in “uncleanness.” (Gal. 5:19) Looking back, the young man admitted: “Most of the time we had a chaperone. But those few times we didn’t hurt us.” Other youngsters later thanked their parents for being strict and carefully monitoring their entertainment, for they remained chaste and entered marriage with no regrets or bad memories. If your child’s intentions are honorable, he should not resent your godly discipline, for it is “the way of life.”—Prov. 6:23.
Do you want to live with a person who has regrets and bad memories about a situation that was driven by your sexual attraction and how likely is that going to affect your future sexual relationship? It is one of the great joys of being married.
You've got to ask yourself why you couldn't sort this out together and why it had to be taken to an elder? More importantly, why have the elders not been clear on the matter in their discussions with you both? If they didn't mention anything about touching genitals then you could take it that it didn't matter in your situation because, as the article above shows, both heavy pettying and touching the breasts are treated the same.
What you could show him is the article in the 2006 7/15 Watchtower
"Suppose an engaged couple indulged in passion-arousing heavy petting on numerous occasions. The elders might determine that even though these individuals did not manifest a brazen attitude characterizing loose conduct, there was a measure of greediness in their conduct. So the elders might take judicial action because gross uncleanness was involved. Gross uncleanness might also be appropriate grounds for handling a case involving a person who repeatedly makes sexually explicit telephone calls to another person, especially if he was previously counseled about the matter."
Do you notice how it talks about 'numerous occassions'? The writers are very specific at times in what they say, if they were to include a heavy petting session which happened only once, they would have said so.
If he is supposed to be the future head of your household then why didn't he do some research on the matter or ask someone discreetly? Now he is imposing his conscience onto you and his behavious is seriously affected, especially if he is getting depressed about it, as you say. It has taken you to do some research on the matter.
This brings me to another problem. If he knew or the elders knew that you had posted on an apostate website about the matter, even though it was looking for advice, their could be serious consequences for you.
