hello. pls help. getting married soon. afraid i won't be happy because wtbts said so.

by seasickbumblebee 80 Replies latest social relationships

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  Frazzled UBM

  One of the methods of control is to enforce confession of intimate matters to destroy the privacy boundary. To a non-JW what happened between you and your fiancee is a matter for the two of you only. Even if you are not ready to leave the religion you should insist to your fiancee that what goes on between the two of you in your relationship is not a matter for the organization or its functionaries but is only for the two of you and that is non-negotiable. Ask him whether he would like to invite the GB into your marital bed? If he will not accept that there are intimate areas of your life in which the organisation cannot intrude then run the other direction fast.

  My JW wife was df'd because I impregnated her out of wedlock. She only confessed when her belly became too obvious and then when she repented after we got married to get reinstated I think (hope) she kept her confession to the minimum required for the purpose and event though I question her loyalty sometimes I have absolute confidence that she would not disclose anything intimate to the elders. I am also pretty sure that she has not disclosed to them how much of an OPPOSER I am for fear of the problems that might cause.
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  pronomono

  "anyone here has similar experience?

  does intimacy even sex before marriage ruin it all?"

  An elder once told me, not realizing the full implications of what he was saying, that "for all intents and purposes, when you become engaged, you are married. You are commited to that person."

  And as such, my wife and I found ourselves in your situation, but with out the guilt. We made love on many occasions. And when we were asked about our conduct during courtship, with clean consciences we were able to reply that we were chaste. Our personal life is between us and Jehovah.

  What is currently ruining it for me is not guilt but that I feel the way you do in having doubts about the WTBTS. My wife doesn't know this yet, and I'm trying to find the words to tell her. It's treacherous waters dealing with these feelings after the fact because you can lose so much in such a short time. Personally, I've been reading Raymond Franz's two books, Crisis of Conscience and In Search of Christian Freedom, to get a solid foundation of what to believe. Late at nights I have the books and the WT Library open side-by-side verifying everything he says as fact. As a former Governing Body member that started where we are, he knows what we are going through. I just wish I had the opportunity to meet him before he passed away.

  So from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, do not feel guilty about your actions during courtship. If you do feel guilty, not because of what the WTBTS says but because you feel what you did was morally wrong in Jehovah's eyes, then repent before Jehovah in prayer and make a commitment not to do the same. Do something that might not be wrong in itself, but leaves you with a bad conscience, is still a sin. I forget the scripture where Paul tells us that.

  Also from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, the real issue is whether or not you share the same views on the WTBTS. The Society is right when they tell you to marry only in the Lord because since it is difficult being yoked to an unbeliever. That's goes for both sides of the fence. To be truly happy, you need to share the same religious veiws when one of you is determined to be a JW, unless you are willing to face the repercussions. Trust me, it is killing me. Only 350 pages of In Search of Christian Freedom until I have my thoughts together.
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  pronomono

  I found the scripture where Paul mentions that e ven acts that are proper in themselves become wrong if done in bad conscience.

  Romans 14:22,23 says, “Consider the man fortunate who can make his decision without going against his conscience. . . . every act donein bad faith is a sin." - Jerusalem Bible. The NWT reads a little different, but it still has the same effect.

  Only you will be able to answer the question of whether or not what you did violates your scripturally trained conscience and if you have reason to feel guilt. But as we've mentioned, Jehovah is ready to forgive if you take the necessary steps. James 5:16 highlights one of these necessary steps where it says, "Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed." Confession is not limited to men in authority. Some things are not easily spoken about with older men. Sometimes you need a sister. Sometimes you need friends. You've taken this step and confessed to us. If there is a cause for repentance make this known before Jehovah, don't repeat, and accept the forgiveness that Jehvoah readily extends. Jehovah knows that we are not perfect and that we sin many times, but as a loving father he gently corrects us and guides us on the road to life, apart from the many laws and regulations that the WTBTS tries to impose upon us. Most of our problems as JWs arise not because of scripture, but because of the Pharisaical laws and regulations that the WTBTS impose upon us. In reality, we have been set free from law and our righteousness has been made known by our faith in Jehovah and our love for one another. See chapter 9 of "In Search of Christian Freedom" for a better explanation.
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  gma-tired2

  I have been married to my husband for 47 years, both of us were raised JWs, married in KH. I was 18 and he was 21. We also experienced heavy petting, I believe this is a necessary step in getting to inow the one you are preparing to marry. I would NEVER confess anything to Elders, they are only men, Men who are no different than you and your fiance. We lived thru the oral sex mess and it was a horrible time for young JW couples, I saw many use this as an excuse to divorce. My marriage has been between two people, my husband and myself, we never invited Elders into our bedroom, it is none of their business. If your young man continues to invite uneducated men into your bedroom you are in for a rough marriage. We would definetly not allow Elders into our lives now. WE HAVE a son who married at 20 the Elders invited themselves into this young couples bedroom, the problem wasn't a sexual issue. This marriage never had a chance after the Elder qnd CO invited themselves in. If you fiance is not mature enough to live a life without confessing to Elders he is not mature enough for marriage. I wishing you a long loving life with or without him. I am a grandmother of two grandaughters, 16 and 20, I woukd never want any old uneducated men telling them how to live their lives.
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  RagingBull

  Simple and plain. He will most-likely cave in and tell the Elders EVERYTHING. I've seen it dozens of times, although it is rare for a "man" to have this much guilt on his shoulders, but...oh well. Because you are a sister and you are both engaged to one another, your punishment...because there will be a sentencing (LOL) ...will only be "private reproof". You may be restricted from commenting at the meetings until after your wedding, and he will most-likely not be able to comment or carry microphones, man the soundsystem etc. for as long.

  NOW - since you're having doubts about the ORG...I must ask you to consider all of this very seriously. You could get married and regret it, eventually being labled an apostate and being DF'd somewhere down the line with him resenting you wishing he had never done those "sexy things" with you and Jehovah, or Satan, is now paying him back for that night with...well...YOU. OOOOOR, you can call off the wedding, which is less painful than divorce, fade from the society, and live a happy life free from guilt.
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  EndofMysteries

  Just read page 63 of the "Shepherd the Flock" book and it tells you exactly what elders are supposed to do if touching of breasts occurs.
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  mouthy

  I AM THE OLD LADY ON BOARD. mY ADVICE IS FOR GOODNESS SAKE Leave the religion,leave the JW man, &
  start to THINK!!! what a marriage will be like when the HEAD of the HOUSEHOLD has to ask a bunch of old men
  what he can do with his hands, penis, feet etc!!!!!I believe Jesus Christ is the WAY! TRUTH! LIFE! & HE said
  LOVE COVERS A MULTITUDE of SIN!!!! I dont believe sex Is Sin unless you are using it without the others
  O.K. If you do get married mark my words ,It will NOT be forever happy.
  Also it tells us NOT TO VOW & NEVER PAY!!!! If you get married, to death do you part. I am sure it will be a broken
  vow in the years to come.That is a MUCH worse sin than a little nooky!!!!

  Yes I am a MOUTHY CRUDE ex JW of over 25 years.I made 10 people JWS,The elders would tell me if I had been a man
  I would be an elder for sure
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  perfect1

  Mouthy you rock.
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  truthseeker674

  Mouthy Grace I've got to meet you someday. If your belief in Christ is satisfying to you then the more power to you.
• 

  mouthy

  I dont know about that perfect1.but thanks for thinking it

  Truthseeker 674....Welcome!!Let me tell you if it wasnt for Jesus Christ,I dont know how i could go on.
  if you have read anyof my posts ,you will know I was a very STRONG believer in the WT .
  Would go out religiously to make folks come into the mindset of the teachings. Made 10 folks believe it.
  Wanted to die when they gave me the left foot of fellowship cos I didnt see Jesus Come in 1914.
  As I have said before have lost 7 members of my family because they feel I am wicked.by NOT obeying
  the teaching.Then one day I went to PA 'Witnesses Now For Jesus" Thats in Pennsylvania ,that members
  of Bethel started.Bill & Joan Cetnar.I wanted to get them back to Jehovah...And that is where Jesus Christ
  came into my heart, I was born again.(John 3:3)That was in 1989..Two years after my hubbies death.
  Many on this site are Atheists. And I love them all...I can understand after being misguided
  by a Fallen Angle> Satan.they "aint" gonna listen to anyone else...Today Satan is ruling the Earth
  & has many followers, He tempts so many....But I truly believe that Christ will return soon.

  I too would like to meet you. But i think you are the one who would be disappointed, I am an old Mouthy
  86 yr old with my own mind.....right or wrong.(((HUG))

  Grace