by losingit 45 Replies latest jw friends
Losingit,
Go into survival mode. What must you do to survive? Paperwork is essential to your family's future? Get it done whether you want to or not, whether you can bare the thought of it or not. Don't focus on what you want or don't to do right now. Do what must be done, however unpleasant or seemingly impossible.
Hugs to you.
Lav
Stillin
I am pretty sure he has something going on the side. I'm okay with it, actually, only because it helps me to move on.
One time, about 3 years ago, we went to a pool hall that I've been wanting to visit for a long time. I love playing pool, and once I get in a flow, you can't stop me.
Anyways, we go, get a table, start playing. The waitress comes over to our table, completely ignores me, and is literally in his face for more than 5 minutes. They are whispering to each other. I have no idea what's going on...
Turns out (according to him) that he used to go to that pool hall with some of his co-workers. I never knew this. Had no clue that he was going to pool halls after work.
But the way that waitress walked up to him and talked to him.... It was clear that they had dealt with each other for a while. It was clear that she was pissed that his wife was there with him! Body language says everything!
Funny, I didn't even make a big deal of it at the time. I saw it. Asked him briefly about it. He explained, I moved on, but I kept it filed away.
We went four times, wayyyyy in the beginning of the end, and after each of those four times he either got drunk, destroyed furniture, turned against me violently, or insulted me so badly I was left to pieces.
Sorry but this guy really sounds messed up and it might not be just JWS crap inside his head alone.
Perhaps the reason he doesn't want to completely let go of the JW religion is that it offers
total control over men's wifes, I've seen a few misogynous high controlling men in Kingdom Halls.
The power is there so thats where they want and need to be.
I think this relationship is warrant of closure but who to really say really but yourself....... good luck in any case.
Honey, forget the JW crap. It's designed to keep women down. You don't need that. Get a lawyer and protect your children's and your future. Child support thru college. Plus college. Be a strong example to your girls. Don't involve them in bashing their dad. They have seen and will see enough bad from him. Time to live YOUR life instead of being an extention of his.
Get mad. I wouldn't treat my dog the way he treats you.
When you are in the middle of an abusive situation it is very easy for you to define yourself and your options in terms of that relationship. It is very common for an abusive man to blame the wife and to have controlling behaviours. You have been bullied by this man who has mentally opted out of the relationship and even though you love him it seems a little one sided with him giving nothing back.
Take a step back, you have children who are learning about relationships from this one. What lessons are they learning? That it is ok to put up with crap because you have feelings for another person. You are worth more than that and so are they. There are no scriptual grounds for divorce in 'JW terms but there are a number of rational ones. The man is manipulative, selfish, violent and this relationship is affecting your ability to function and perform essential tasks.
Don't be passive letting this happen to you, take control for the sake of your children and get legal advice. They will give expert advice on how to proceed. Once you know what you want and what your options are then go to your husband and tell him you have started divorce proceedings and he has to find alternative living arrangements.
HI Losingit - I know what you are talking about. I know how you feel inside - a lot of fear. Fear is what abusers want to put in your head, because it makes THEM strong and powerful. Fear is paralyzing! Makes you feel like not moving but just staying as still as you can! I agree with what everyone has said here, and Laverite is so right - it would help you to read what he says over and over.
Sending love to you, for strength♥
Well, nugget, he left the house in January, knowing that I had no way of paying the rent. I wasn't working at the time. He told me he would pay the electric bill and the rent. Then all of a sudden in April I got a notice of eviction from the landlord in the mail. He wasn't paying the rent after all. So I've been on my own for a while. just emotionally stuck looking for ways to keep this marriage despite all of the craziness.
What's funny is that I was never really known to be a passive person before I became a JW. Passivity was not a part of my personality. But being a JW for almost 11-12 years really changed that. My mother keeps telling me to go to a lawyer and one friend keeps insisting that I go, too. I'm getting there.
Surivival mode-- I need a cheerleading squad, it feels like, just to function on survival mode. I'm just happy I can get up two to three times a week to get to work so I can have some cash on hand. I take the kids to school, cook, clean, and organize the heck out of the house. My way to relieve stress. But ignore everything else that can help my children and I to move forward in a significant way. My goodness, I really do want to be happy and free from all this.
As someone else posted, one foot in front of the other.... I have to keep that in mind.
Losingit, take dogs advice, please please find a good lawyer and a therapist to help you get out of this situation. Document, write down every single time and date and details of each and every abusive situation. The more you have in writing documented the much better case you will have to keep the girls with you.
He is not going to change. His repeated actions show that. You must find a way to have full custody of those girls. If he abuses you one more time call the police. He will have to then leave the home.
I want to do all I can to help my marriage, but I will call the police if I am abused. He got a one time pass with me due to his medications and illness, and so far no repeats at all. ( I feel it was medication and illness induced) One repeat and he is out. Nothing to blame it on but his own behavior. Sitting in jail for a day scared him good. He knows I mean business.
YOU must mean business. Draw the lines of boundries and do NOT allow him to cross them. Get your own life in order, and plan your way out.
I am so sorry, and I feel your pain, I really do. I know there is always that chance I may be joining you.
Your girl's deserve better, and you deserve better than to be treated so horriblly.
You can make your life so much better, and you will. One.step.at.a.time.
Passiveness reinforced by fear is one of the big hammers common to abusive relationships (whether it is in a marriage or a religion).
Contact your local woman's shelter and find out if they can refer you to legal counsel that will help you find out your options and your rights. They deal with these kinds of issues all the time. You don't have to be the stereotypical battered woman to seek their assistance. They may also be able to set you up with some support.
Knowledge really is power. Once you know you options you can make better decisions.
That's a good idea cog_survivor I'll do that on Monday.
