I will give my husband the divorce he wants

by losingit 45 Replies latest jw friends

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  Mum

  losingit: cog_survivor reminded me of some things. Your local DA's office or City Attorney's office may well have victim advocates to help you through this episode in your life. I worked in domestic violence for a time and learned a lot. There may be a way for you to get money for education or job training (get it from your ex if you can get your attorney to persuade the judge that you need it).

  Your children are likely to do what you do. They see what we do much more than they listen to what we say. Think of them when you are behaving in such a submissive and passive manner. Is that what you want them to do? What kind of life do you want for them? The kind you have?

  Find out about all the resources there may be available to someone in your situation. Use them to improve your life.

  Best wishes,

  Mum
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  Band on the Run

  Whoever goes to a lawyer first usually gets a better deal. With today's divorce laws, there is little you can do. Divorce him and move on. This forum can provide online cheer leaders. We all get stuck sometimes. If you were active in the Witnesses, you were stripped of assertiveness and action skills. You can use this as a device to jump start your new life.

  Divorce is sad. It won't be easy. Your present situation does not sound very rewarding, though. Imagine the role you will set for your children. My mother failed to stand up to my father in any way. I had several active JW uncles who, in turn, became dead beat fathers. It was all show or nothing. As a child, I felt helpless. We must be the reason for the poor treatment. If we were loveable, all would be fine and we would have perfect JW fathes. The women howled with powerlessness. Imagine the difference in our lives, if a woman gained the courage to stop wailing, gathered herself, and declared that skipping out on a family was wrong. Court action would prove her correct.

  I've seen good marriages in other religions. The strongest defense against abuse is to not postion yourself as a victim. I don't believe in submission. Men should submit. Jesus had quite a different view. The scriptures quoted are very selective. Marriages work best when there is mutual respect and values. Your husband is an outlaw. Outlaws deserve no submissiveness. It is not an easy process. Think of your children.
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  [email protected]

  Losing it,

  We can't change men.. Yet, they will try their damndest to change us. He knows for a fact that he has changed you and that you still want the marriage. From what I am reading, he does not want to stay in the marriage. Let him go sweety... you may love him, but he is not showing love to you and your children by ignoring to pay your rent or utilities. What do your children know of this? Is this their father?

  Anyway, get on with your life please... make new friends, take up a hobby, have a girls movie night with a friend & her children. Fix pop corn, watch a funny, funny movie. Meet a friend for lunch, for a walk in the park, take up an exercise class and make new friends... You have got to start living ..you have been dieing for too long because this man wants to controll your life & future.

  Why doesn't he file for the divorce? If he wants it so bad, let him pay for it.. But don't give in to him in any way , shape or form. Talk to a lawyer- the first consultation is usually free. Find out where you stand.

  Sounds to me like this guy needs to be reported to the local KH... but if he is already disfellowshipped, they probably won't do anything to him. Are you disfellowshipped? If not, just start to fade away from the JW mess; at the right time, when you are thru the divorce, then you can cut all ties to JW and disassociate yourself. Find better people to associate with,,,who will love you for you, and not on conditions.

  Hope this helps...take care
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  Violia

  I don't know the back story here, but jws -df or not can be ruthless when they won't out of a marriage. I know numerous examples of "brothers" who set their wives up so they could get a "scriptural divorce" . He's trying to dump you, it seems. Don't' be nice or he'll take the kids and tell everyone at the KH you are the "bad" spouse. He's going to do that anyhow but don't roll over . Do you want your kids to grow up in this environment? male or female he is setting an extremely poor example for them. You'll end up with abusive sons or doormat girls.

  First get a lawyer and tell them the truth. His behavior is abusive and he can be stopped. Forget the wts, save yourself and your kids.

  I know you are depressed and he has convinced you somehow you are the bad one here but his behavior speaks for itself.

  If he does any of the things you mentioned in your post ( destroying furniture etc) call the police. They might not do too much at first but it is a PAPER TRAIL of allegations . I will come in handy for the lawyer and child custody etc. Keep all the texts he sends you and start planning your escape. and escape is what it is for real.
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  losingit

  Readingeveryone's posts and thinking. I will respond when I'm feeling better. Today has been another rough day.
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  Violia

  losing it, I am sending up some prayers for you. I hope you can come out of this fog of depression long enough to see what he is doing to you and the kids. It is never easy ending anything . Really, when the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving, well, you have your answer.

  I also know it may not be easy if you don't have support from family and friends. Maybe you have a girlfriend somewhere who will help you? If not they do have shelters .I know this is a big step. Calling the police on his crazy behavior will put him on alert and he might move out himself. It will tell him you aren't going to roll over anymore.

  I also know that the culture you are raised in affects how you might view this and money affects everything. It is easy to say "get out" but requires some help. Avail yourself of help from the community as they can be a huge resource to you.

  This is painful but in a few years you will lose all respect you have for yourself-- and it is hard to fix that.
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  LivingTheDream

  losingit,
  
  The Bible says a man should love his wife like Christ loved the Church. Christ lived and died for the Church. So, a real man should not only be willing to die for his wife, he should live for his wife as well.
  
  Any man that abuses his wife verbally, emotionally or physically is not deserving of anything but a rightfully earned contempt from his wife, and the rest of society for that matter.
  
  Your husband has that from me.

  Brock Talon
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  Ding

  Thanks for opening up about what's going on.

  You have a lot of friends here who care about you.
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  Captain Obvious

  How are you supposed to get the respect you want if you're a pushover? Rolling over and playing dead won't solve anything. Don't forget people usually project themselves onto the people around them. Whatever he is complaining about with you, is probably a fault of his. If he has been abusive in any way, he NEEDS to understand this. You two may not be a great pair but just giving up will only make the cycle repeat itself with your next partners.

  You can't change him, you can only change yourself. Do things for yourself, be more independent. Buy yourself something nice, hire a personal trainer. Be your own woman, one who doesn't take his shit and will NOT put up with any kind of abuse, not for a second. He will have no choice but to respect and admire you. Don't do it for him, do it for yourself. If after some time of this things don't improve, then you can walk away from the marriage knowing there was nothing more you could do. Also you'll be walking away as a more attractive, more interesting you.
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  Aunt Fancy

  I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. There was some excellent advice given and I hope it helps you pick yourself up and move on. Remember that you have to set the right example for your children so they don't allow a man to treat them poorly. It is hard when you have taken a vow and you love the person but he has checked out of the marriage so it is time to move on. I was very young when I went through a divorce and I didn't think I could make it but I learned very quickly that I could survive on my own and take care of my son.

  I think you should seek out counceling for yourself to help you get stronger which will help you get through this difficult time. It will also help you in the future to make better choices in a mate. Also, you may want to talk to your doctor about getting something to help you through this time, you may need an antidepressant for a short period of time until things level out. When I went through it my therapist at the time warned me that I would probably choose another man just like my ex unless I made some changes.

  You really need to get an attorney as soon as possible so you can get support for your children and yourself. He has figured out a way to keep you hanging so he doesn't have to pay right now. Protect yourself and your children. Keeping a log and writing down the episodes of abuse will help you when the time come to negotiate a settlement.

  We are here for you and you can be a strong woman and get through this. I found that every time I have gone through a difficult time I have learned from it and it has made me stronger. Think about what a successful and strong woman would do and then apply it. Hang in there.