I want to send a follow-up question to my sister who has recently cut me off (page 3)

kaik

Also it can happen that she will until her earthly existence never speak to you again. My evil, fanatical JW aunt refused to see her DF's son and his children until she died. For her, her offspring was dead and she beat up her chest how loyal was to Jehova to do so for 20 years. Some point you may have realize that your sister considers you spiritually dead and will never associate with you. You either will play to her hands, or you have to accept it as a possible reality.

steve2

Your follow-up question would depend entirely on your intention(s). Before answering, clarify your intention(s) - because some may be incompatible.

On the one hand, Do you want to call her to account for what she wrote? and/or declare that she belongs to a cult? and/or question whether she actually wrote it?

On the other hand: Do you want to begin to repair any breach? and/or hold out the hope of resuming contact? and/or help her "save face" so she'll realize you empathize with her difficulty and feel kindly towards you?

You know her best and you know your intentions best too.

Faithful Witness

Great questions, Steve! Exactly what I have been asking myself, before I send a response.

Without rehashing all the past AGAIN. (I was never a JW, just interested, until one day I woke up).

I guess I really need to be honest with myself. What are my intentions?

1. Disobey Watchtower & refuse to abide by her sudden decision not to communicate. You don't think we should communicate, because of how it affects your emotions? That is exactly why we SHOULD communicate. That is what family is for... to be here for each other in difficult times! If you turn your back on me and tell me you don't want to talk about it, I am going to try to figure out what is wrong. Do I just let you walk away, while I stand here and accept it? NO, I do not! I'm not done communicating with you.

(I realize she doesn't have to listen or respond. But I am not going to stop talking to you, just because you forgot how to be loving toward me "at this time.")

2. Highlight her abhorrant behavior. Get her to see herself from an outside perspective. Just because I studied with the JW's for a few years, and have more "inside" information about why she is behaving in this way... does that mean I have to quietly accept it? What if she suddenly decided to say this to a coworker who hurt her feelings (possibly by sending her a Christmas card, or giving gifts to her kids), someone who has no idea about her beliefs. How would a normal person respond if she said that to them. "Based on prior encounters, and the affect on my emotions, I don't think we should communicate at this time." HUH? Ok, let me grab onto that little ray of hope you added... "at this time."

Maybe it's time now! "I know you said you weren't speaking to me, but I wanted to ask you..." "Are you ready yet? Are you ready yet?"

3. See if she will respond. It doesn't have to be personally to me... but see if she will take things further or if she will react in any way. I am not trying to antagonize her or torment her. But I feel that a little cage-rattling is in order here. I may never know if she responds or not. She might block my email, or even start warning my mom about me. Someone else mentioned here how JW's just try to avoid conflict by running away.

Really, what do I have to lose? I really don't want to let her make this move, without having to examine it further.

Maybe I am stirring the pot. I have been guilty of that before. I am a reasonable person, and I forgive her. She doesn't know what she is doing, I realize that. I don't think it would be fair to her, if I made this easy for her to do. If she wants to pick me for her first big shun, I should make it a tough one for her. She might as well get practice with her new personality, and use it on her big sister who has loved her since she was in diapers. She used to be so kind and loving.

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Observation from times we went to KH: Everyone has a "story..." They all seemed to have at least one person in their family, or they happened to be the ONLY person left in their family. ALLLLL these people who had "left the Truth..."

"Soooo sad.... We are Sooooo lucky to have the loving brothers and sisters here at the Kingdom Hall. I just can't WAIT for this system to end, and we can all be rid of these worldly pains." As an outsider, I must say those stories seemed very odd and cruel. There was always an undertone of self-congratulation. No sadness for anyone but themselves, and NO forgiveness. "My willingness to sacrifice for Jehovah's organization, entitles me to a special badge, and I proudly repeat my stories of persecution, as proof that I am a GOOD Jehovah's Witness!"

I think my brother in law took this opportunity (the fact that I had "turned my back on Jehovah"... WHAT are you even talking about??), to get one of those special badges for his JW lapel. "I cut off my sister in law, when she turned her back on Jehovah." My sister must obey. BUT she has made the point (twice) of telling me she was speaking for herself. Once was a telephone conversation, and it did sound like she meant it. She didn't make sense, but she seemed like she meant it. While she doesn't boast about her JW accomplishments and privileges in front of me, she has probably displayed her special shunning badge at the KH by now."

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Making peace with her, and getting our whole family together for an annual party, is the eventual goal... but she has dug in her heels and decided she is going to just withdraw from the family. It is going to have to get worse, before it gets better.

jgnat

Personally, I try and give the cult personality as little "air time" as possible. When threatened, this put-on personality comes roaring to the fore and the person you know and love gets pushed in to the background. I've talked with an exiting Witness who was convinced his parent did not have a non-cult personality at all! Until he started digging.

If you can find a way to encourage contact without threatening your sister's spirituality, you might just have a shot.

Faithful Witness

So, can anyone help me word that note? :)

I know that sometimes it's what you DON'T say, that matters...

If I am going to be her story, I'm not going to be the "my sister turned her back on Jehovah, and she no longer speaks to me. I never hear from her anymore." She can say what she wants, but somewhere deep inside her, she will know that I am still trying to reach her, and that I do actually love her.

I know it's time to leave the Watchtower out of it. I won't bring up anything else. Try to draw on memories of her old self... I guess I was hoping that encouraging the "Real" sister to come out, would make her realize she was not acting like she used to... and is this really a positive change?

Help! I can't put things concisely.

Faithful Witness

I'm not sure we have enough past history to make a personal connection with her. I'm 12 years older, and have been more of a parent than a peer to her.

My memories of her, are of when she was a preschooler. When I dream about her, she is a child and her daughter is her mother. Haha.

jgnat

Then your connection is more parental. Be motherly. Share memories of her as a toddler.

Faithful Witness

Ok. Good idea. Do I challenge her behavior?

I also need to be careful not to get too high and mighty. I've done enough of that.

jgnat

Mothers are high and mighty, LOL! Talk about what you see and how it makes you feel. Talk about your fears. Ask her to put herself in your shoes for a moment. That keeps the judgement out of it.

P.S. I don't want to heavily edit what you wrote. I'd like you to go over it a few times and cut, cut...get down to the essence of what you mean. Then give it a break of a day or so and take another look at it.

ABibleStudent

Faithful Witness - (I realize she doesn't have to listen or respond. But I am not going to stop talking to you, just because you forgot how to be loving toward me "at this time.")

Hi Faithful Witness, Keep it simple. Something like what you already wrote might work.

How does the following sound to you: "I love you unconditionally. I hope that you can put yourself in my position and will realize that I am not going to shun you just because the WTBTS promotes that you shun me. If the WTBTS comes out with "New Light" in a year or two to better clarify what neccessary family business means, how will you feel about missing out on sharing our lives and memories with each other because of your decision to stop communicating with me now?"

Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

Robert

I want to send a follow-up question to my sister who has recently cut me off

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