Another problem with a lot of words, and I have seen this happen on this site as well, is that the person with a confirmation bias will skip over what you really wanted to hit home, and pick on something they can argue with. The most important element of the conversation is never dealt with. A few punchy sentences she will remember and mull over for some time.
I want to send a follow-up question to my sister who has recently cut me off
by Faithful Witness 42 Replies latest jw experiences
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Band on the Run
My sister decided to have no contact with me while I was ill. I have no idea why to this day. She acts as though it is normal when a sister is at death's door to not call or visit. My brother had a scholarship to attend the Univ. of Chicago. Maoist cultists enlisted him during his first semester at college.My mom had to pay a fraction of the tuition. He dropped out of school without completing paperwork. A letter from the dean informed my mom that she was paying for nothing. My brother had flown. My mom was repeatedly counseled not to tell him what she thought. We did not know if he were alive or dead. My mom sat in front of the TV set every May Day, hoping he might be at some demonstration. She was told to send him greeting cards that she loved him periodically. When he did come back, he was exactly the zealot my father was. He was brainwashed. We had to have a family discussion about whether to call the FBI if there was any hint of violence brewing.
He left the cult after decades. Nevertheless, he sees no need for the slightest family contact. We share a lot of interests. I don't understand why he is so absent. Both my brother and sister act as though their actions are normal. They get to choose. I suffer. Am I some loathsome creature? Sometimes I wish I could join a cult. Just kidding.
Your sister may very well leave the Witnesses. I would write some neutral, polite bs. What are the percentages for leaving the Witnesses? If she leaves, you don't want a battlefield between you. My mom would never acknowledge that dropping someone cold turkey was wrong. I know it hurts. It hurts when I see families at a mall or at church. There does not appear to be personal animosity. My brother left the Maoist cult. He is Mr. Capitalist now. We used to hear rounds of the Internationale or squeals of the "U.S. is a paper tiger." It was so much my JW father. All you do is substitute Witness words. My brother never saw it.
I would choose the wording that would give me the most options.
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RottenRiley
Why do we feel the need to cram our views down people who are obviously done with us? The harder you try to push yourself, the harder she is going to avoid you and know she has control over you. The Witnesses who make the biggest impact are those who can move on with their lives instead of begging and pleading "Just be my friend, I am so broken hearted you are shunning me" is only going to add more pain to you and give your sister the power the Watchtower said they would have. The Watchtower claim's the shunning is going to force you to change you heart and return to the Cult because you miss the kindnes, love and compassion Witnesses offer, look's like your sister is winning this war.
Winning is having dignity you can hold your head up high instead of chasing down people who want nothing to do with you. Why do people surround themselves with others who treat them like shit, low self-esteem, a feeling of reminensing a past relationship that never existed or the challenge to reintagrate themselves in the Human Race, it's not easy making friends but it's better to keep your head held high instead of begging and pleading with calloused souls!
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Faithful Witness
"Cram our views down people who are obviously done with us?" Which views would those be? I'm confused by that question.
I will continue to demonstrate love and patience with her.
I was never a JW, and I am not chasing anyone.
I will not beg, but I will not be afraid to talk to my own sister.
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NeverKnew
I will not beg, but I will not be afraid to talk to my own sister.
Thatta girl! Go back to your own pre-nearly-JW days and try to be who you'd be with a wayward sister. I probably wouldn't even acknowledge that e-mail. My brother and I go for periods where we're peeved with each other and then eventually we just get tired of being mad at each other.
Isn't playing by the cult-personality's rules playing by the cult's rules? Were you both non-JW's for some time? I believe if it were me, I'd continue interacting as though she never sent that e-mail.
But I'm annoyed today so I may not be the voice of reason.
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Faithful Witness
Neverknew: She joined the JW's and got baptized about 4 years ago. I don't know if they studied for more than 8 months or a year at most. She and her husband jumped in with both feet, and hopped onto the fast track to "qualify" for baptism. He had control issues with her from the beginning, so it was a natural fit for him.
I was the opposite: a slow learner, scrutinizing everything they told me. We are critical thinkers, and didn't just accept their publications and written commentary as facts. My husband and I had lots of questions, which they would put on the shelf, or sometimes answer if they felt we were worthy of a response. Until the day we asked questions about the Watchtower Society, and then we got dumped by our teacher. He came back and told us the parable of the seed sower, accused us of chasing riches instead of seeking Jehovah. (Bad seeds! You are BAD BAD BAD! I tried, but you are BAD! Was the message. I think he had to ease his blood guilt, before he totally left us for dead).
I'm sure my sister and her family are golden examples at their KH. (We live in different towns). They are actually a family recruited through the door-to-door ministry. They also blackmailed my mom into meetings, and then my dad into meetings, and now both my parents are baptized JW's!! What a success story for the guy who rang their doorbell on that fateful day! 6 new people at the KH. My niece is 12, nephew is 10... forced into it, but they still have memories of pre-JW life. :(
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LostGeneration
Just keep talking to her when you want, pay no attention to their silly declarations and rules.
JWs are the most self-righteous lot on the earth today. But deep, deep, down inside they know they are frauds. They won't ever admit it until they exit the cult. If you simply ignore their protests you can maintain contact in most cases.
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RottenRiley
I know what you are going through, I have been dealing with this problem longer than you have and know it's a losing proposition asking self-righteous family to behave civilly. Don't take me wrong, I care about the friends on JWN and hate when JWs can play games with your heart, since the Watchtower robbed them of their hearts, your asking stones to have emotions. I hope I am wrong this time and your sister see's your goodness and think's for herself, I mean no disrespect to you. I wish I could share the amount of meetings we had with the friends in the back-room and how the elders would shake their heads and say "Yes, I agree JWs are goat-like when it comes to showing goodness to their family, we can't force them to take to you!" I gave that advice over and over again to soft-hearted people who wanted their brothers and fleshly JWs family to be kind to them, the elders know there is nothing we can do to make them behave!
Steve alway's provides excellent advise along with Jgnat and plenty others, their posts hit home!
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Faithful Witness
I am grateful that this discussion board is here. I have learned a lot from all the people who contribute.
I know I have a lot to learn, in dealing with people in general, especially JW family. Thanks for allowing me to vent and helping me work through the thoughts in my head.
It is definitely better to write them here, than in emails to my family. That didn't go well!
I haven't heard from my mom at all since this new development from my sister, so I think I am going to focus on re-establishing contact with her this weekend. I might send my sister a quick note next week. I'm still thinking about what to say.
Thanks for all the input. It really helps.
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Frazzled UBM
Faithful Witness - I feel for you. it is difficult when you know little about the cult and then all of a sudden you have a family member deeply embedded in it and unhappily for you now molst of your family. Luckily you were never baptized so you have not been df'd so your sister should not technically be shunning you unless she can classify you as an opposer. So the trick is not to give her cause to do that. The downside is that yo have to play by her rules to some extent which is terribly frustrating as it is so obviously wrong but to maintain a relationship you have to remain silent about the many flaws in WBTS dogma. The good news is that as a convert there are better prospects she will wake up to TTATT than if she was a born-in. Showing her love and being her sister and not confronting her will give you better prospects that she will confide in you if she starts to have doubts or that you can gently ask her questions to start her thinking. The fact that you were labelled 'bad studies' may not help but you can manage this by saying 'it is not right for me but I can see you aree convinced by it and so in the interests of maintining our relationship I will respect that.' or something to that effect. But once you say something like that yo hae to live by it which will be incredibly hard so make sure you are prepared to live by it.