Involved with a JW woman (page 6)

Frazzled UBM

jonza - if your experisnce is like mine she will get df'd for 'fornication' because she will feel impelled to confess what she has been up to with you but then will be reinstated after you get married and then she will be even more zealous and you will start to see the cult persona and she will lie to you (and herself) often through omitting to tell you things. In my view once reinstated it is harder to get them out than before because having experienced the pain and humiliation of shunning they are loathe to go through that again. But as I said to you in my PM things are going okay for me at the moment because having put advice from others on JWN into practice she has not been to the KH for two months and is putting the family first - I think because she was treated so badly at the KH and she only gets true love from me and my son at home. She has not articulated the reasons so I still don't know what she is thinking but we are making progress. I am hoping to end up like jgnat but recognise it will take a long time for her to get rid of all the WBTS baggage. But it is a huge gamble to think you will have the same experience - if not the outcome could well be that you end up divorced with her getting custody of your kids and indoctrinating them into the cult - so you need to be prepared for that possibility. Cheers Fraz

NAVYTOWN

Don't even THINK about having children with her until you have been MARRIED for 3-5 years. Better to just focus on the kids you already have. Why not suggest that neither of You participate in ANY religion for at least a year or two. That will get the religion issue out of the picture. Then you can see if you are compatible WITHOUT religion Interfering.

Honesty

You are messing with a stick of dynamite that has just had its short fuse lit.

Run away while you still can.

You can take the girl out of the Watchtower but you can't take the watchtower out of the girl.

Get hooked up with that woman and you will always be second fiddle in her life.

The Watchtower comes first.

nonjwspouse

NO!

Children are not bargianing chips for parents to "play fair game" with each other.

DO NOT BRING CHILDREN into this. That. IS ABUSIVE

If you want to live with the nighmare of the JW spouse, that's your choice. But it is absolutly selfish, and abusive to children tto bring children intothis nightmarish situation knowingly.

My and not attending any JW anything for nearly 30 years, raised as a JW, never baptised husband, attended the Catholic baptism of our daughter promised TO A PRIEST and myself to never interfere with her Catholic upbringing .....yeah, right... promises in the mind of a JW have a different meaning than what a promise really means. He promised he had no intention of becoming active in the JW faith. He promised never to try to convert me, and I promised the same for him with my faith. I was and still am a practicing Catholic, he married me knowing this full well.

At 6 years old she was told she was learning lies in her Catholic school and he tried to emotionally blackmail me into studies that he was sure would convert me into salvation of the WT. He calls his actions of wanting to be baptised into the WT " maturing". He said he changed his mind and matured ( he is 50 by the way). his mother and coousinn began luring him back by asking for rides to the conention, Mother triggering guilt feelings for himto join her atthe KH..... then the book study..... then regular KH attendance. It turned into a complete and total nightmare of a jeckyl and hyde personality. The Cult personality is insensitive, pious, holier than thou, disrespectful, arrogant, removes empathy, encourages lying......

This is not a situation I would wish on ANYONE. YOu need to really get a grasp on reality Mr. Your well meaning comprimises, are hell for the children. Eventually, hell for everyone.

Seek help. Learn more. Talk more to others, children who have been raised in this situation you describe.

You will not find a not a happy ending story of love conquers all in the scenerio you describe. I am sorry.

losingit

I married a jw and got baptised about 2 years after we married. I did it out of love, i did it for him. I wanted us to be one unit. While we dated, he hid me from friends but in all reality he was very "weak" and not really a practicing jw. looking back, i felt like he lied to me about who he was as a person. He was ashamed to introduce me to friends even after we married bc I was worldly. Imagine how I felt. He was df'd, even though we got married, and he shared intimate details about us tothose damn elders. I felt humiliated. Eventually, with time, I swallowed the whole sexist notion taught at meetings that the man is the head and the woman just follows along. I really believed it would make our marriage happier. Not. Misery instead.

Long story short, thebeginning of our relationship was marred by lies and deceit. All bc of his jw background. It tarnished our relationship, and I didn't realize it until MANY years later. There was that sense of him wanting to rescue me from the wicked world wheb in fact he was the one that needed rescuing. Raisingg our children as jws was demoralizing. I hated that my children did not enjoy the little things in life that children are supposed to. The meetings were TORTURE for the entire family. I thought it was the truth, but as years went on, the cracks surfaced everywhere. I was unhappy.

Now myhusband and I are separated after 14 years of marriage. I blame the WT society for a good portion for the misery we endured together. We did not have the opportunity to fully be ourselves. He has also disappeared from our children's lives (sadly, as I prayed that would not happen) and has not paid child support in months. He has abandoned us, this so-called jw.

Moral:Relationshipss

losingit

Moral:Relationships founded on lies WILL NOT LAST. All a jw can do to a non jw they are involved with is LIE. They hide who they really are and what they really think and feel. It's all a game to get you where they want you. I was thoroughly deceived. Why would you allow yourself to enter this type of arrangement knowingly? Walk away.

zebagain

... as Vivien said in earlier post "You are setting yourself up for an unending nightmare" I am possibly three times your age and her words are true.

Walk away.

jonza

You have all given me lots to think about! and I want to thank you for your honest replies. At this stage I'm really not sure what I'm to do. I do love this woman, and aside from religion she's perfect for me. Also, to her 'first times' are very important, and she gave me them all, to end it with her would break her heart. It would break mine too, as I'd probably always feel like I've missed out. However, I know what you're all saying, that this will be extremely hard, and I'm not sure I could take it, or if the relationship could take.

I feel there's something I've not really been clear about: That there have been many times we've both said we can't have kids together due to religion. That breaks her heart, obviously as she really wants them, and to see me bring up mine, I think would crush her through the years. It's something I've known would be too hard for her, but she says she'd rather not have kids than lose me. But that fits with what some of you have said about her saying anything to keep me, and I tend to agree. I know after a few years she'd seriously want them. Then we'd fall right back into all this mess. She would rather not have them than raise them non-JW too. Ughh, this is frustrating. She's extremely difficult to talk to about this, and gets very defensive.

cultBgone

Jonza, not sure if anyone already asked this and I missed it...but exactly how did the two of you end up in this relationship? Was it through a website? I'm curious as to what she, as a jw, was doing in reaching out to a worldly man when she knew it would cause a problem if her elders knew. Just trying to understand her mindset, is all.

I will tell you this...jws are trained manipulators. They don't realize it, of course, and I'm not putting a negative label on her as a person. I'm sure she believes everything that she is telling you.

Here's the deal: when you say "aside from religion she's perfect for me", you MUST (and this is the main point of every thread you've read here)...you must understand that to a jw, the RELIGION always trumps everything else. The RELIGION is dominant, and as long as she is in a relationship with the RELIGION, you will always, always always and forever be in second place. ALWAYS.

Please don't do this. You and your wonderful children will suffer like you can't believe. (((HUGS)))

nonjwspouse

Jonza,

Here's the thing, she probably really believes what she is saying to you. She thinks she can lead a double life. She thinks it's just a choice to promise one ting then do another, and love would fix everything. If she believes in the WT then it that is all an impossibility. In her mind she can break all promises if they went against the organization in any way. regardless of her sincerity when she promised. years go down the road and the WT demands the organization is always first in her life. ALWAYS. Look at the jwdotorg webste for the convention outline and you will see a heading about "what comes second place",always, never first.

Time will eat away at her "promises" to you and it will be children who would suffer the most from that. This will NOT go away. The WT demands promises of the JWs,, demands confessions and demands them to obey. If the don't, they lead a double life, if they believe n the WT this causes great mental anguish and plenty of emotinal difficulties arise.

Please, spend some time apart from her, take time to get away from the entire situation to really think about this. To really research this. Take a LONG time. Try to see more clearly than you are now. Broken heartds are a fact of life. It happens when we jump ahead of ourselves. it is a life lesson. She will get over it and so will you. A lifetime of "spiritual battleground" with kids involved you, her, and any children will NOT GET OVER.

Involved with a JW woman

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