I'm with Band on the Run on this one as well. Forgiveness is not a necessity in life... giving or receiving. The moment it becomes something needed, wanted, or even required in order to move on, it ceases to become about connectivity between people and then becomes ALL ABOUT YOU... and ONLY YOU.
The idea of forgiveness is to promote healthy connectivity. “But sometimes we have to forgive ourselves” you say. Well, yes... but that's more about acknowledgment of who we are as people our fauts and acceptance of our own behavior. Sometimes we link the two because it's a lazier way of thinking (how we treat others should be an example of how we treat ourselves) when in actuality, I think the exact opposite is healthier (how we treat ourselves should be an example of how we treat others) - but that is just personal opinion. Maybe this is just semantics... in which case, forgive me.
It's not always healthier to forgive. If someone you trusted violated you or your world, or someone you once honored physically harmed you... then forgiveness isn't necessarily healthy as it could be used as an emotional sedation for which to allow repeated offenses to occur.
EXAMPLE 1:
I do not forgive my molester one bit. I don't have to... he's a f**king molester. This prevents me from sinking into complacency or 'victim's syndrome' and helps me keep an eye out for others who may be falling prey to the situation and empathize with an insurmountable mountain of frustration, anger, and fear to those in recovery. I get that. I still have that. I work it to my advantage.
EXAMPLE 2:
I won't ever forgive my mother for forcing my father to take homeopathic treatments (with no pain medication) instead of Western medicine for the cancer he had, sending him to an early grave via an extremely painful decline. Why would I forgive her? Her heart was in the wrong place, logic was not used, and she made his sickness all about her. So really there is no benefit to forgiving her. I don't give my father back, I will still always keep her AWAY from any of my own medical decisions, and forgiveness would validate her negative behavior that she would then repeat ON ME should I ever get sick. So no, not forgiven, and certainly not forgotten. I'm sure she doesn't like that, but it's far healthier for me in the long-run.
EXAMPLE 3:
I will never forgive the organization for being the sweetest, nicest, most pleasant homophobes I've ever met outside the Mormon Church. The horrible offensive suggestion that “non-practicing gays” can be happy living a celebrate life or that gay people can marry members of the opposite sex and be fulfilled in the service of the lord is not only scientifically inept, but dangerous to every single young gay person in the organization. EVERY. ONE. So until the JW policy changes, their “love the sinner, hate the sin” mantra is still hate about SOME aspect of the sinner that cannot be changed, and thus a destructive ideology to every young person within their organization... gay or straight. You can't forgive someone who is currently exercising offenses, can you?
In all these instances, not forgiving is actually the healthier way to go because it provides a platform of being “on the ready” should anything come up in any of these aspects – child abuse, health care, equal rights leading to spiritual well-being. This all DOES NOT weigh on me... I don't walk around heavy of heart going “oh, I don't forgive my mother... grumble, grumble, grumble.” This doesn't happen at all. In fact, it's freeing – it is what it is... just like if I got food poisoning from a restaurant... I don't hate the place, there's just no trust and no forgiveness... unless of course the restaurant worked for it. Otherwise, I find a new restaurant, enjoy the food, and move on with life. There is nothing stressful about this outside the food poisoning.
It's like holding on to a balloon. The assumption is that people who do not forgive are holding on to the ACTUAL balloon of unforgiveness with both hands. We don't. We just hold on to the string... a very little line that ties to the incident(s). Sometimes holding on becomes a danger (in a windstorm, etc.) so we have to learn to let go. Doesn't mean we forgave, just means we had more important things in life. Sometimes it deflates and becomes cumbersome so we have to learn to lay it to rest. Doesn't mean we forgave, it just means that it was impractical to drag it around. Sometimes we can tie it down and come back for it later, sometimes something comes along and pops the balloon. Doesn't mean we forgave, just means it's not longer important.
Not forgiving can be a very healthy protective measure against the next time we come across such instances that cause us pain in our lives. Again, forgiveness is about connectivity, and there just isn't any reality in the assumption that we have to be positively connected to EVERYTHING... we dont. We don't have to like everyone, we don't have to like everything, and we don't have to f**king forgive everyone. It's just too cumbersome if it is in conflict with our own personal sense of morality... and without that burden of necessity, then there is no stress... and without stress "forgiveness" no longer becomes a physical health issue.
I would feel like a LESSER person if I forgave someone who didn't earn such. But I would be an inexcusable person if I allowed these atrocities freedom they do not deserve to have.
