Family dynamics and the Org. (page 2)

somebody

yes, you did answer, but I missed it because it was at the same time I was typing out my post. I'm a SLOW typer and not one's secretarial material. :-)

I thought you were Lisa Hayes! :-) I wasn't keeping up with the board, but your honesty stood out again when I started to keep up again.

:It's better for them to learn good decision making abilities while they're young than wait for them to get out own their own and go buckwild, which is what most JW kids do, wouldn't you agree?"

I don't know if JW kids go buckwild, or JW kids go buckwild when they leave. Either way...if parent deny the their own decision making to a certain "normal" point, then yes..at some point many will go buckwild. That's what I found anyway.

Live and learn I guess.
peace,
somebody

Edited by - somebody on 20 February 2001 18:4:46

DriveslikeJehu

Notice, he's visiting his friends in other congs, even getting to spend the night! HELLO! They don't need to 'let' you; this is a normal part of growing up. I wish you had others to visit, though, except for other young JWs....Daddy and Mommy's control is an illusion that DLJ is submitting to at this point. DLJ, If you are in college, you shouldn't have to answer to your parents like you are a toddler!!!! They shouldn't be 'letting' you do anything! At this point, you should be almost totally independent of them with the exception of committing illegal or immoral acts while living in their home.

LDH, as long as I continue to live in my parent's home(sorry I didn't mention that. It might have some bearing on your viewpoint), I would hardly consider myself independent of them. I am under their roof, and therefore, under their rules.
I answer to them and am accountable to them because they are continuing to support me, although I am of age, and could move out on my own at any time. If I did so, my parents would no control over anything I do(obviously). I would have my own rules to live by, not theirs. My grandfather was like this, and he wasn't even a witness. I wish I'd gotten to meet him, though.

somebody

DriveslikeJehu,

I didn't get what you did out of that paragraph of what Lisa posted. I think what she was saying is that you don't have to check with your parents to make sure they will "let" you do something that you may want to do when you are at a college age. In other words, what she was saying is that if parents don't "let" children, and later teens, develope their own sense of perception, then they will eventualy, more than likely, go buckwild. Why? because they don't even know how to make sensible decisions on their own from being unable to develop in that way. From reading all your posts, I assume your parents allowed you to develop your OWN sense of perception...or should I say "common sense" ? you seem to have it. I'm not getting down on parents in general. For there are no perfect parents. But I do agree with what Lisa is saying and I think it all boils down to this: If you let your children develop their own sense of perception,and express their own thoughts, without always DEMANDING that your kids take on your own thoughts, then your children will TRULY learn from any mistakes you made along the road of life.

I'm glad to see that you have deep respect for your parents. It shows that they respected you too.

peace,
somebody

DriveslikeJehu

Thanks, somebody.(Hmm, feels weird saying that. It feels unpersonal.hehe)

I guess I should have mentioned how my parents really 'let' me do things. Now that I think about it, it really is my choice with most issues. My dad always asks me: "Do you think I'd say 'yes' or 'no?" I'd give him my answer, and tell him why. And most often, it comes down to a "Well, I'll leave that up to you, son. Just remember you have a _____(meeting, field service, work, school, etc.) tomorrow. You'll have to be ready for it whether you do _____ or not." And then I have to make the decision on whether to do _____, based on what I'm expecting to happen later on. IMHO, it looks like a lesson in accountability.
I've made good calls, and bad calls. Once I went to see a friend that was a 3 hour drive away. My parents left it up to me as to whether I'd go or not. I had to take into account the fact that I didn't know if I had to work the next morning or not. On the way home with around 3 hours to go(I left at 9pm), I got a flat tire. I had to put on my tiny little spare, and ride home at a measly 55 mph(speed limit was 70). A trip that normally took 3 hours took over 5. I got back into town at 3am, and went to work to check my schedule. I had to be there in 4 hours.hehe And since it was a Sunday, I still had to be at the meeting, do the sound, etc. To top it all off, I had to replace my tire(the puncture was in the sidewall and couldn't be repaired) and pay $127. If anyone knows about cars, that's a serious ripoff for a 15-inch tire, but it was the only place open on Sunday. Hmm, I'm starting to gripe now. I'll stop.hehe
There was something else I forgot to point out last time, as well. Usually, a parent's upbringing has some bearing on how they raise their own children. My dad is actually pretty lenient compared to his father, as he constantly reminds me.[8>] And the thing that amazes me is that he wasn't even a witness!

waiting

Hey Drives,

My dad is actually pretty lenient compared to his father, as he constantly reminds me.[8>]

If you've never seen a real, fully developed look of disgust, tell your son how you conducted yourself when you were a boy. Kin Hubbard

Enjoy your posts and humor.

waiting

DriveslikeJehu

Thank you, Waiting.

Xandit

Hey Drives,

I know a good looking, smart as a whip, JW college girl not so far from you. What did you say your major was? If your prospects look good enough I might introduce you )

Grunt

Hi Drives Like Jehu,
I appreciate your attitude toward your parents. I have a son who is 26 now. Even though he had a full ride on scholarships to college, we still provided him with a car, and if he came home on weekends we would wash the car together, wash his clothes, pack him a cooler full of food fill up his car and send him back. I paid for his insurance, clothes, and slipped him a little cash on the side when he needed it. He always showed us love and respect, still does, and I genuinely appreciate it. He always appreciated what we did for him and would ask for our advice, which was an honor. Much as we hated to we both told him moving to CT sounded like a good idea when he was offered a job there after graduation. His consideration of and appreciation for us meant more than I can say. I would rather go a little too far in showing respect than not far enough. I think you are doing fine and you have plenty of years of complete independence ahead of you. My son is now doing well, he is an engineer, used to work for Pratt and Whitney but was hired away by a company in Orlando. The reason he took it was to be close to us, and his mom and I appreciate it. He was home this weekend putting up a ceiling fan for me. He and I split a jet ski, we take trips toghether and it is just a real pleasure to have him around. He has been real supportive during the stressful time since my daughter, the Pioneer, has been cutting us out of her life. When something like that happens even knowing the Society, you still question yourself as a parent. Having a child from the same environment who treats you with love and respect affirms you as a parent. In your situatioin, if you draw further from the Witnesses there will be a crisis point in the future where your parents either stay close to you or pull away. Being close now is crucial no matter what happens then. I hope you are able to stay close to them no matter what. I hope you do everything as slowly as possible and with consideration consistent with keeping your own integrity. Good luck on your exams.

DriveslikeJehu

Thanks, Grunt. IMHO, you've maintained a great relationship with your son. I hope that things can go that well for my parents and I in the future.
Since my school is just a short drive(about 30 minutes), we all decided I should just stay home. My father's mother wasn't totally in agreement with it, however. She felt that living out on my own now would be a good learning experience for me, but I felt that it would just make it harder to keep up with school. Fortunately, my parents felt the same way, since my father stayed home while he was in college too.

Oh, and Xandit: My major is CIS.hehe

LDH

DLJ,

Somebody's right. :) You are very lucky. But don't miss my point--there are THOUSANDS of JW children who are not lucky enough to have your parents. I know what I'm talking about; I remind my parents frequently that they're good parents not because[/] they're JWs.

I'd really like to see a loosening up attitude among parents today. It's kind of hard when all you hear about is how Satan is [i]walking about like a roaring lion seeking to devour someone

and you believe that someone is your child. Of course you're going to try to protect that child. But at some point, you look pretty stupid protecting a grown-up; you need to give them a gun and let them fight their own battle.

Grunt, I am so happy you have a wonderful relationship with your son; I'm trying for this outcome with my daughter who is 11 shortly.

Those crazy teen years are just ahead, but I am determined to give her the respect, courtesy. independence, and privacy we were denied at the direction of momma. Of course, like most loving parents, mine were just 'following the direction of the slave.' Nevermind the fact that no Bethelites have children, they're going to set rules for the JWs that do! wierd!

DLJ, I'm glad you are making mistakes and bad decisions, too. This is a part of growing up that only you can teach yourself. The important thing is to never make a decision that endangers your life or the life of others. Everything else is just experience, and you will learn just like we all have, there's no substitute for experience, ha ha.

Edited by - LDH on 21 February 2001 15:55:53

Family dynamics and the Org.

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