Tales from the Couch

Seven

I asked my therapist if it is possible for a patient to be re-traumatized during the course of treatment. Confronting memories over and over again. Painting mental images even more graphic to replace the vague ones I once had-is this a good thing? And this thing that you tell me is known as panic disorder-thank you very much for that. Where did this come from? I never experienced this before, so fix it. Now. So I proceeded to cry, which I do at least once during each of my sessions. I know deep inside that I'm learning to confront situations and memories buried long ago and have conditioned myself to avoid. I'm ready to get on with the pain. There's no way around it.
Help me convince myself that this is all worth it. That I'm worth it.
That this is going to make a difference in my life. After I vented for awhile I went on to have imo, a productive session.

I don't discuss my therapy with my family. As if they'd be interested.
After all, Jehovah could help me cope with all things and strengthen me through the meetings. Foolish me.

I don't know why I'm posting this here. It's not going to help anyone so I'll quit now.

Here's a poem I copied into my journal recently:
Beyond Comprehension
*
No one hears me, understands me
I speak in silence
hoping that someone will see my words, my
hoping to find love, it has arrived so divine
I wish for a stronger, better life
filled with everlasting touch
I dream the future, but hold the past
My body is brimmed with so many confusions
Am I really here experiencing fullness?
I must be, the pain is so real
the hurt I feel could never be imagined
but I will pull throught into greatness
and destroy whatever faces into me
As I struggle I will fight until the end
Whenever it may come-L.M.

Seven

RedhorseWoman

I don't know why I'm posting this here. It's not going to help anyone so I'll quit now.

Oh, how wrong you are. Posting your thoughts and feelings are not only therapeutic for you, but also for someone else who perhaps has not been able to put their fear/doubts/concerns into words.

There is someone who will read your words, and they will make a connection deep in that person's soul.

And, yes, dear Seven, it IS worth it....and YOU are worth it. ***HUGS***

mommy

Seven,
I love your heart You are such a sweet person, the memories and past and the present don't belong to you. The future does though, and you can change it. You have so much insight and depth, and still manage to be down to earth and funny Not many people can do this.
The anger you feel towards these images are understandable, and the feeling of helplessness is also understandable. Identify these as feelings you are going through at that moment. Do not let them consume your every waking hour. It would be so much easier to be able to accept if your parents were more loving to you I understand. But they aren't going to be as long as they are in the org. So you have to accept this too. You can go through horrible experiences and survive.
Sometimes if we think to much or play "what if" we aren't accomplishing anything. But going around in a circle. Yes the past is the past and does affect the future, but how you let it affect you is your choice. You may live the rest of your life saying look what happened to me, see what they did, isn't that awful. But you are just going around in a circle, because there is no break in the chain.
You have to get yourself out and see what you want your future to be. Decide what you want, then work for that goal. Realizing these images is a nasty thing, I understand I too have gone through them. But guess what... you are almost done! Your "freedom" is right in the palm of your hand. Make the choice to put it behind you, and forgive. Make the chose to let your parents live their live as they see fit. Make the chose to live your life making yourself happy first with no help from noone but you.
I know this sounds harsh but it is soooo true. You are right around the corner of the rest of your life, just a few more steps to go.
Lotsa love and prayers sent to you.
wendy

waiting

Hey Seven,

I guess my slant is a little different. The road is long - you've started the stomping anger - good for you! Put those damned expensive boots you have to good use. But you may revisit anger, fear, pain, again and again - but as you progress (and you are) you'll learn different ways to think about things. Explore your mind, your parents mind - trying to understand what makes your family tick.

I truly do believe that understanding is the key. I don't know if acceptance is - but understanding is a necessary part. How can you accept what you don't understand? Or at least try to understand.

As for your parents, the way they acted/act towards you is clothed in the WTBTS - but in my honest opinion, they would have acted pretty much the same way with/without religious overtones. Our personalities are ours. It's hard to accept that simple fact - perhaps our parents just don't love us the way we need to be loved by our parents. So be it. It happens to millions of kids in each generation. The trick is to survive and find peace & happiness - and not revisit our parents actions with our own children. Then we will have conquored the world.

It is necessary to comes to terms with our past. To accept it, find a place of peace for it to reside, and then move on. Are we molded by it? I think so in a great degree. Do we have to resign ourselves to it? Absolutely not, that is our choice. That's where a professional comes into such important play. Helping us find our choices to move on as gracefully as possible through life.

Through understanding, some victims/survivors reach acceptance. Some have the opportunity to experience the pain that's been bottled up for years/decades. It is an opportunity in a way. It's your pain- it's there and it's going to stay. Might as well deal with it with some help and diffuse it's affect on your life. Through experiencing it as an adult, you learn more about the little girl. Surely if she endured it - so can you. You are her protector. She, and you, understand that you are quite capable of fulfilling that role. See how far you've come? Waydagogirl.

Love, waiting

Seven

Red and Wendy, Thank you both for listening to the side of me that the world never sees, for your wisdom and for the encouragement to take those last few steps. This would be much more difficult without people like you.

Seven

Waiting,

Surely if she endured it-so can you.

I never believed this until I heard it from you. I saw for myself that it could be done. You are the living proof that I needed to see. One day far into the future I'll hopefully take my own grand daughter by the hand and show her an old photograph I've kept all these years. I will show it to her and tell her, "this woman was my inspiration during a very difficult time in my life. I was able to hang on because she saw something in me that I couldn't see myself. I believe I am here today
because this woman unselfishly took the time to encourage me and dared me to live. She gave me hope. Sometimes we find angels in the most unlikely places." That woman is you, waiting. I guess I have come a long way and you are even wiser than when I first met you here.

Before you gag completely on all the sweetness in the above paragraph I'll end it now. I'd end this post with a *hug* but am afraid of getting a cyber brick upside the head from way down south in dixie. But I think you know how I feel. Seven

alias

Seven,
I'm so happy that you are surrounded by all of these caring people who took the time to check in on you in this thread. Hang in there, we are all rooting for you.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

Seven

Thank you alias, and welcome to the board. I look forward to more of your posts.

Seven

larc

Dear Seven,

The ladies can put together better words of comfort than I can, I so kind of held back for awhile. It sounds like they lifted your spirits a lot and that sure is a good thing.

As you can probably tell, humor helps me get through the "days of our lives' (wasn't the a soap opera?), and I know that music does us both a lot good as discussed other places. In general, I think that things in the here and now that reaffirm the goodness in ourselves and in life itself have great healing power.

I know it is important to confront the past and not be afraid to face it, but I also believe at some point that it is necessary to move on and make the most of today. I don't know where your therapist stands on this issue. Some believe that it is important to go over the traumas thoroughly and continualy; others believe that it is important be fully aware of them, but not continually dwell on them. I tend to share the second point of view. Perhaps this is an issue you should discuss with your therapist. By the way, the clinicians who share my view are called Cognitive Behaviorists. I don't read in that area now, but if I can find a good book on the subject, I'll let you know. By the way, I think some of the best therapy you can get is right here on the board, as evidenced by RHW, Mommie, and Waiting.

Seven

Hey Larc, The others have lifted my spirits, and so have you.:) Thanks for responding. You are correct about there being many things in "the now" that possess great healing power. Music, painting and books are my sanity. I would be interested in any book suggestions
you may care to pass along. My goal in therapy is to move on without all the baggage. I'm working on it.

Thanks,
Seven

Tales from the Couch

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