by cognac 50 Replies latest jw friends
I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed...
This is the feeling that I have about my wife.
The things that she has said to MY family (as well as, more lately, hers) and the elders, all behind my back, simply infuriates me.
I told her I would have preferred that she had slept with someone.
As most are saying here, it's what we've been taught.
It is in our best interests to be completely dependent on the group.
Finkelstein - what really upset me was that this was all done by a person i thought I knew over a period of years.
You have to remember though that the JWS isn't just any ordinary religion, its highly controlling religious cult where people are mentally enslaved to it
and the people who are involved are constantly being monitored to their individual devotion.
Being that your husband is still faithfully devoted to the organization, your behavior is placing a black Mark over himself in the congregation.
.
So much so its causing him a degree of destabilizing anguish, his only rebuttal toward your outward behavior is to point a finger at yourself and say
" see she's the cause of all of this, not me "
You've got to keep in mind how much guilt and pressure the WTS. plays onto people's psychological profile.
Cognac, We all have a line where, if crossed by our partner, is a deal breaker. So many here have experienced this and their marriages ended. In my case it was finding out after 30 years that my husband had been cheating on me with multiple partners since the very beginning. The betrayal felt like a knife stabbing my heart. I literally vomited for days. When you feel a little more steady on your feet, form a plan for how you want to proceed. Stay in the drivers seat my friend. Keep us posted.
It is possible he has been gathering sympathy and percieved support for a long time in preparation for an eventual split. If he has his eye on someone else, he will need to demonize you to others and himself to justify a divorce for "spiritual endangerment" and hope you "free him" soon after, so he can re-marry asap.
It's complicated. I betrayed my best friend by turning him in to the elders. Twice. The second time resulted in his being disfellowshipped.
Thankfully he didn't hold it against me because he knew I was coming from a good place and that I was deeply conflicted about how to proceed. We've both been out of the JWs for a while now and our friendship is still strong 10+ years later.
I remember being completely conflicted about how to proceed. At the time I felt I was in a position of having to either betray God or my best friend. The indoctrination compelled me to behave in a way that I would never have acted otherwise. The few weeks leading up to when I finally turned him in were horrible. I think I lost something like 20 pounds in five weeks worrying myself sick over the situation.
cognac, I feel so bad for you. I too would view this as a betrayal. One of the main reasons my long-term marriage broke up was the total lack of marital confidentiality. Anything I said that could be interpreted as being critical of the Society and revealing doubt in any of its ever-changing teachings was eagerly passed on to the elders and, even worse in my mind, to my extended family and friends. It totally undermined my trust and confidence in her. And that led to the love and affection I once had for her dying also.
I'm not recommending any particular course of action. I wish you all the best, and I hope your husband will see the error of his ways and stop making you feel like you're constantly being spied upon. No one should have to live under such stress and disrespect. You have every right to remove yourself from that situation, if that's what you decide is best for you.
This is what happens when one puts loyalty to a religious organization above loyalty to one's mate. And it's just one more sign that the entire religion is little more than a cult.
HeyLady!
Sorry about your situation but just hang in there. He is in the "This is all her doing, I'm innocent, so don't blame me", mode. His primary goal is to absolve himself of all blame. He does this by telling everyone about you. His screwed moral compass apart ,you need to steel yourself and let him know you don't give a damn. Please stop being upset. Rather, prepare for a lot of flak from all around. Grit your teeth, grin and bear it . Once they see your resolve, their finger pointing will morph into ," how could you " looks and, finally, a resigned " ignore her completely", phase will set in.
Get on with what you really want to do. You set the ball rolling away from the cult you wanted to leave. Now follow the ball and don't look back. Jellyspine will try to hold the " You let me down terribly", card over you . Don't let him. Let him know what a lowlife invertebrate he is. Balaamsass2 has given you the other angle.
You may be better off if you divorce the loser.
Cognac, he was doing what he was "supposed" to be doing. As a JW. Not as a husband or a Christian or a friend, but he was pleasing his god the WTBTS/JW org.
I'm so sorry. Looking at your posts for the last 6 years, you have been in a struggle the whole time. It's ironic that you learned TTATT so soon after marriage. You have two beautiful children and now you will be getting a fresh start-and knowing your enemy is better than being misled by him.
It is sad to see that his first allegience on this earth is to the organization and relatives, rather than the wife he is supposed to be "one" with. He could have been honest but I think you went from being merely unenthusiastic(which probably suited him just fine) to being outright opposed to a degree that threatened him. He is happy to be a shirttail JW, but he doesn't want to lose it (family, friends) and so he will play the game that you are no longer willing to play.
I'm so sorry, but you no longer have to pretend to anyone. I hope that it works for you in the end. You are finding out who really values you.
All my best to you and your kids.
OH, and don't go being all noble and not revealing his cheating when it comes up (and it will). I refrained from telling the world what kinds of things my ex was up to before I divorced him and all the while he vilified me to EVERYONE we know. Don't be too 'classy' to keep all of it to yourself. But don't reveal it in a way that makes you just look petty.
The one thing I wish I had been more of during my entire marriage and especially my divorce was strategic. He has been strategic in what is going on now that he has his eyes on another prize. Don't let him off the hook because you don't want to be some stereotype ex wife. I went totally anti-stereotype and it didn't help with the family, the kids or any other area. It didn't make me better (yes, I thought I would be "the better person"), he just screwed me over and I HELPED him by being passive regarding custody and finances.
Sorry guys. I bought into years of conditioning and didn't want anyone to think I was a "gold digger" or what have you. 20 years of marriage (or 7) and 3 (or 2) kids is not just some game to get his stuff. Real life marriage has real life consequences. Don't let him off the hook or put yourself on it. Fair is not mean, greedy or grasping.
