Wives who complain about their husbands work schedule but refuse to get a job

by hoser 39 Replies latest jw friends

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  hoser

  You were a sister supporting a pioneering husband, Viviane?

  I didn't know the elders would approve a mooching husband to pioneer as it is his scriptural responsibility to support the family
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  Sail Away

  Hoser

  You were a sister supporting a pioneering husband, Viviane?

  I didn't know the elders would approve a mooching husband to pioneer as it is his scriptural responsibility to support the family

  In my former congregation there were two elders who were full-time pioneers supported by their wives' income. One was the service overseer.
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  _Morpheus

  Ok now i want to marry viv again....
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  Splash

  Pr31: Who can find a capable wife?

  She sets her mind on a field and buys it;

  She plants a vineyard from her own labors

  She sees that her trading is profitable

  She makes and sells linen garments

  And supplies belts to the merchants.

  Give her the reward for what she does.
  
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  Viviane

  Ok now i want to marry viv again....

  No, you really don't. Just be happy with the fantasy :)
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  Quarterback

  I knew many wives that complained that their husbands worked too much, and they didn't offer to work prt ttime to lessen the financial burden. It's a challenge to make ends meet today. I was fortunate that I had a great job that didn't make me work on weekends. I'm thankful that the cong and my wife saw the advantages of both spouses working. The poor wives that complained all their lives have had to force themselves to work because their husbands have burned out, and the retirement income doesn't make ends meet. I only remember 1 CO that complained about the wives working. His wife eventually had a nervous breakdown and they had to cancel the CO work. Both of them are working, now
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  LisaRose

  I hate to see generalizations like this. Are there women who complain that their husband works too much but won't get a job? Of course, but that doesn't mean all women are that way, or even most. Maybe the guy treats her bad and she is lonely and depressed or maybe he is just a doormat. You never really know what is going on in other people's marriages, so why be judgemental?

  I've been in both situations, I was the steady paycheck in my first marriage, as my ex couldn't keep a job, I lost count but I know it was well over 25 jobs in 28 years. He never lifted a finger around the house either, even when he wasn't working, and was a total baby whiner. I didn't mind working, but some appreciation would have been nice. I finally developed a backbone and left. I realise now I had no one to blame but myself for that situation, people cannot take advantage of you unless you let them, so if the husband of the OP really hated the situation that much he could leave.

  I am now in the reverse situation, due to health issues, full time work is not possible for me anymore. I have a small business and do volunteer work when I am able. My husband works long hours, but I have never complained about it. I show my appreciation by making sure he has a nice home cooked meal when he gets home, even on days when I am in a lot of pain. After ten years as a single dad my husband really appreciates that and never forgets to thank me.

  
  
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  bafh

  This whole discussion illustrates my point when I tell my mom one reason I don't go to meetings is there is no place for me:

  * single, happy - not pinning over a man

  * successful entrepreneur

  * ambitious - not going to spend my time pioneering

  * educated - some college and some self

  * financially stable

  all of which flies in the face of the single-sister-desperate-to-get-married-financially-struggling-regular-pioneer social slot that I would be expected to fill -

  to say nothing of the fact that I travel on a regular basis for work and my work involves a social cause [GASP!]

  
  

  oh, and I always offer to pay on my dates 😊
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  talesin

  DJS

  I am sorry for addressing you in a rude way. That was wrong, and I'm sorry.

  You make a sweeping statement about feminism, which is borne of ignorance. I would encourage you, and others, to research the roots and history of 'feminism' .. from the first wave, which gave us the vote, to the third wave, which eliminated the *rule of thumb*, that enabled men to beat their wives with a stick that was no bigger than a thumb in diameter.

  It is my suspicion that you know little about what *feminism* really means, but that gives me no right to make you look foolish.

  I can only hope that you will seek to educate yourself about these issues, and wish you peace and happiness.

  xoxo
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  nonjwspouse

  Talesin, in my lifetime I have seen one big unwanted, damaging affect from feminism on men. It gives some men a reason to think they are not to be expected to do....well..anything for a woman. It's as if anything they do they expect we must gush over with thankfulness, but not expect it again.

  Historically traditional gender roles help give definition to a working system. When those gender roles are changed it confuses those who don't accept any change. It causes some to feel inferior. Feminism in my opinion, should focus on allowing the gender roles to be respected, chosen, not dictated by birth, and also placed within a workable healthy framework of a family. It is similar, in my opinion, to creating a good life routine with clear goals to work toward.
  

  Chivalry, well I appreciated that, especially when I am smaller in size, and when I am bogged down with small children. I also always every single time, will hold open a door for a man or woman when I get to it first. Occasionally an older man will take the door from me and insist I enter first I am honored by that and thank him. I am never offended. It is a respectful act!
  

  Picking up the check, I saw that as a respectful thing. A gift from a man, kind of like a promise that he will take care of a family. I personally believe in a parent being home with a small to teen child. In the first years it is proven to be important for the Mother to be that parent. It is natural due to , well, nature. But as they grow the Father is equally capable and good to fulfill that role. For a man to kind of "show" he takes financial responsibilities is a good thing in my opinion. It's part of the dating process. Now If the woman is the one with the better job I see nothing wrong with her even allowing him to pay, but then to make sure she provides some financial payment on just as many dates, though i feel it must be done carefully due to the inability for many men to accept. Long term traditions take a while to change. I found many men are ok with it when discussed openly with respect and thoughtfulness. When a woman becomes offended by the door opening or picking up a check, this is where I see a problem.
  

  A woman at home who is not contributing to the household in ways other than monetary, ( unless physically or mentally disabled with is another ballgame) and still complains, could be married to a man who refuses to come clean about his just wanting to be away, or a man who thinks showing love is by providing more and more money, or a man who is self involved so much he has no care about what his wife feels about it...so many things other than just a free rider (which I am sure some are).
  

  The contributions that a person can make other than bringing in a paycheck are many. Those contributions are to lessen the financial and physical workload for the other mate that is bringing in the paycheck. Also to create a household that is comfortable, and healthy to live in. Not to confuse this with doing ALL the home work, but to take the greater part is equitable.
  

  I went from being married to a husband that provided a very good living, and I remained at home by choice, with three children, making the sacrifice of a career and continued education. But fifteen years later of living with unhealthy control, plus increasing my home workload to consist of everything, and recognizing his outside "interests" along with disinterest in our family life, I could no longer justify raising my children in the same home with him ( thereby showing without words that I condoned his behavior) and absolutely couldn't stomach being married to him.

  Fast forward seven years, a four year degree and one class away from a masters degree, two part time jobs initially that allowed me to be home when the children were (this is always incurs an opportunity cost so the pay was super low, but I thankfully had a fair enough settlement to afford to do this) , then two different ,concurrent part time intern turned contract jobs with promises of full time positions created just for me to pick from, my whole life plans from that point turned upside down. I am a feminist. I believe women are unique in many ways as are men and we must both build on strengths while not holding the other person back, or condemning for life choices.

  I married my now husband (after my then youngest turned 15), who in contrast was always trying to do things for ME, take over chores around my house, thoughtful, giving gifts, planning outings. All of this was new and to me, like some kind of love drug. ( I believe now I was being love bombed, IE: effort put forth that is later removed when the desired goal was reached) Though we knew each other a year, then dated a year then married I thought I really did know him. I was all set to begin a career that I had sacrificed, excited, and had no problem being the bigger breadwinner. I knew he enjoyed his self employment ( that was not sufficient to support a family) and enjoyed taking care of ME.

  Life happens sometimes. An quick unexpected pregnancy gifted us with the most wonderful little girl ever. My personal moral code was that I needed to be home with her for the first years. Sacrifice my new degrees for a while and put the career on hold. He needed to step up and increase income. That was the beginning of the downfall. He was never taught the skills to plan out a life or business. He didn't even know ow to begin to do so. Advice from me seemed to be a threat. I tried every approach I could think. I even started accepting short term contract jobs but those times cause chaos in our home. He was not showing competence in most things anymore, and he would get very depressed that he was unable to provide for us.

  At first he was the best father I had ever seen. I allowed him to take his time without pushing the subject of the lack of sufficient income since I had plenty of nest egg money that as now to be used to give my youngest a home life instead of daycare. She is a fantastic, caring, loving, thoughtful, confident,socially excelling, smart little girl. ( I know this is bragging, sorry)

  But as years went on my husband/her father was less and less involved. He was unable to produce the income, he wanted to try but didn't know how, and had illnesses that caused even more difficulty. I tried through the years to accept full time work but he was resistant to step up his role in the household by now (This is where I made the mistake of not asserting my role of femininity and making the best decision, regardless) I fully believe this change in his thinking of roles was due to his beginning to study with the JW again after being our for decades.

  Since late 2011 he began the re-indoctrination/reinforcing. That screeched down to a snail pace when the marriage was about to blow up in late 2012 early 2013. By 2014 he barely keeps up with JW reading if at all, no meetings, and is not involved except for his family handing hi materials and "talking" with him sometimes. But the damage has been done.

  I am now underemployed, working part time, and also handling basically all his self-employed business office work, and the household, all the homework for our now 10 year old.

  Feminism. I know I can do all this work when I have to, but I should NOT have to. His role as a breadwinner is important, and his role as a father, or even if he took on the role of the house husband. But to bring in tiny amounts of income, wasting away time he could use to improve his income or the family responsibilities is way out of line.

  Feminism does not mean we expect less from men. It means we allow women to excel at what they do, PLUS men need to at least KEEP UP. Instead of some men confusing feminism with getting a free pass to be self involved "takers" financially, emotionally, socially etc..

  Feminism should improve our roles with our mates, not confuse them.

  I kinda rambled, sorry. I think about this a lot.