Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread (page 10)

Seven

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog
and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the
farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear
bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,
with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best
pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

waiting

Seven, I'm surprised at you.......

Chuckling heartedly, but surprised. And to think that Zazu said "waiting, waiting," to me for my Earnest Hemingway quotes as opposed to your goody-two-shoes post. Oh, if only she could read this.....leaving now to e-mail her.

waiting

You might be a Unitarian Universalist if . . .

. . . you thought Rush Limbaugh was a big fat idiot even before the book came out.
. . . you address prayers "To Whom it May Concern":
. . . you gave more money to the Sierra Club last year than you spent on your mother at Christmas.
. . . you think of the "Ten Commandments" as the "ten suggestions."
. . . you are uncertain about the gender of God.
. . . you might be related to Richard Nixon but your family is paying to have it hushed up.
. . . you get dressed for a formal evening out and you wear a little black dress, pearls, and Birkenstocks.
. . . you've actually been in a discussion about whether or not breast milk is vegan.
. . . you have big dental bills from grinding your teeth while arguing that the ACLU was correct for defending the KKK's right to march.
. . . you gave up pot in the 70s because nobody could guarantee it was organic.
. . . the most religious thing you do is face the sunrise and drink coffee.
. . . the vanity plate on your pickup reads "Thoreau."
. . . you think the real trinity is "Reduce, Reuse and Recycle."
. . . you would rather talk about heaven than go to heaven.
. . . on Sunday morning you'd really rather stay home with a cup of coffee and the New York Times but you go to church for fear you'll miss something interesting.

cosmicmystic

An orthodox Jewish couple thought it would be a good idea to ask their rabbi to marry them. But the husband-to-be had a special request: he ask the rabbi: "Can I dance with my wife the day of the wedding?" The rabbi explained that, due to ancient traditions, the ultra religious people felt it necessary always to be segregated between the sexes, so even during this ceremony men would be allowed to dance only with men, and women with women. "But we're going to have sex that evening the man objected, so can't I dance with her just this once?" "No, replied the rabbi, "it is forbidden by the law of Jehovah. But having sex is okay because that's a mitzvah and that will produce more children for the congregation of Israel. The man then asked "could we have sex more than once?" The rabbi said, "Certainly, its a mitzvah." The man said, "Could we watch a porno film?" The rabbi replied, "Yes, sex is a mitzvah." The man then asked about various sexual positions and semikinky pursuits. "Yes, yes, the rabbi said, "its a mitzvah." Finally the man asked "Can we have sex standing up?" "No, the rabbi shouted, "that might lead to dancing! "

Seven

Waiting, I knew you'd laugh at the chicken joke. LOL@the black dress, pearls and birki's(my uniform). That's a good one.

Good ones, Bug, Tally & cosmicmystic(welcome to the board).

seven

waiting

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,which lasts until you sober up when you realize it was your money to start with.
2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10) Glibido: All talk and no action.
11) Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Seven

Hi Waiting, Here's one to jump start your weekend. Kinda crude, but I ROTFL. Seven

Subject: The Knob
A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob" A small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to
tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift -
forever.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Fifteen years later, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now
I've developed two annoying problems.
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get
rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

Tallyman

Seven

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall
from me. One is a middle aged gym teacher and the other one is a
social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere
together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come
out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity,
language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust.. He
cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby. I am a twenty-three year old liberated
woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting
expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but
I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been
fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he
denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why
would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against
his own?

Dear Abby,
My forty-year old son has been paying a
psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and one half years. He
must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and
I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I
gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and
couldn't and he did it.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered I
think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost
all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost
all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

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