Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread (page 8)

BugEye

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing
this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

BugEye

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began
reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

logical

What do you need to play the piano? A bunch of keys

Why was the computer in pain? It had slipped a disk

What is the best way to cover a cushion? Sit on it

What's the fastest vegetable in the world? A runner bean

What pet makes the loudest noise? A trumpet

Who invented fire? Some bright spark

What's an inkling? A baby fountain pen

sorry

waiting

Patio sent me this one: The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
***************************************************

BugEye

One professor at school (an econ prof) had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were done at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in.

The prof looked at him and said "don't bother to hand that paper in...you get a zero for continuing after the bell."

The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!!"

The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam"

The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am???"

The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are."

With that, the guy said "good," plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!!!

BugEye

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering.

"Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?"

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

BugEye

There's a little boy sitting on the street corner in front of a church with a baby food
jar in his hands. The preacher walks up to him and ask "what's in the jar son" to which the little boy say's " why this is the most powerful liquid in the world"

The preacher replies, "no my son, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world if you rub some Holy Water on a pregnant lady's belly she'll pass a baby boy."

The little boy say's " Shit that ain't nothin, you rub some of this turpentine on a cats ass and it will pass a motorcycle."

BugEye

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.

So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

BugEye

An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do. A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"

The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet."

The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more people went up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"

"Much snow. Very cold."

Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.

The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another time. Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?"

The chief replied, "I dunno. Radio broken."

BugEye

A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive ...

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the
pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out "Watch out for the wall!!!"

Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

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