Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

by Seven 305 Replies latest social humour

Seven

Useful Work
Phrases

* How about never? Is never good for you?
* I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
* Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
* I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
* Ahhh...I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.
* I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
* The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
* I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
* Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
* I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
* What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
* I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
* Thank you.We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
* It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
* Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
* No, my powers can only be used for good.
* I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.
* You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
* Are you a damn ray of sunshine every day?
* I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
* I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
* I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
* Who me? I just wander from room to room.
* My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
* It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really
quite busy.
* At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
Seven

Welcome to the board, wickedplasticman. LOL Reagan, Faraon, Waiting! Keep posting.
Seven
Caole

Brilliant Thoughts By Ashleigh Brilliant
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
In order to keep an open mind, I am trying to avoid learning anything.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide, your absence.
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
The task I've been given seems absurd: To wait here on earth until I no longer exist.
Having failed to conquer myself, my best hope now is to arrange an alliance with myself.
The things I fear may all be imaginary, so what I fear most is my imagination.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life in the future, and possibly even longer.
Not only don't I know what tomorrow will bring, I'm still not entirely certain what yesterday brought.
Do what you know is right, but try not to get caught.
Most of my problems have no answer or else the answer is worse than the problem.
Unlike most other people, I'm just an average person.
I could do great things, if I weren't so busy doing little things.
I try to take life as it comes, and just hope it keeps coming.
The really great people are the ones who know how to make the little people feel great.
Why wasn't I told about this wonderful place, and how can I prevent others from discovering it?
Despite my determination, I keep running into a serious obstacle called "other people".
It always helps prove how right you are if you wave your arms and jump and scream.
Well, if you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.
You can't just suddenly be my friend. You have to go through a training period.
Skimmer

John and Mary, a teenage couple, have just finished their first episode of intercourse in the back of John's automobile.
John: "Gosh, Mary, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."
Mary: "John, if I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose."
Caole

More Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Caole

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-alec student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But, what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
Caole

There were two men who had gone to the same college and had become great friends. During college, they had a great time together. They were always right in the middle of anything happening.
When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate ways. Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other. During the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.
"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"What? That doesn't sound like you! During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."
"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed. He was stark naked with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet and gave it a good swat. You want to talk about excitement? I was in the wrong room!"
Caole

A really short guy moved to a hick town and he was incredibly horny. He went to a dance, met a girl, and she let him walk her home.
On the way, he said, "Do you think we could have sex?" She said, "I'm way too tall for us to do it standing up, and I can't lie down in my brand new party dress."
He replied, "There's a blacksmith shop over there. I could stand on the anvil." She agreed, so the went into the blacksmith shop and got it on.
Afterwards, as he continued to walk her home, he said, "Can we have sex again?" She said, "No, not tonight."
He replied, "Then I guess I don't need to carry this anvil any further."
Caole

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles to Dublin."
Caole

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

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