by Seven 305 Replies latest social humour
Hey waiting
You'll soon know what it is to be surrounded by sharks.
So far I have spent over $38,000 on my divorce.
I think that the reason that they want to see a financial statement is to know how much to bleed you.
JRP
If I wanted your opinion, I would beat it out of you (seen in a bumper sticker)
A man comes home and finds his girlfriend packing. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you," she answers.
"Leaving me? Why?"
"She continues packing and says, "Because I found out today that you're a pedophile!"
"A pedophile? A PEDOPHILE?!" he shouts.
"That's a pretty big word for a ten year old!"
I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul.
A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches. "Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man".
"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you".
"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot.
"A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot.
The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word. "Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee".
"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away". By which time the parrot has finished his drink. "Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.
"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!"
Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger. "Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"
Two minutes later the stewardess returns but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.
As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"
I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul.
There's a new product out for men who want to satisfy their woman in the
great outdoors, but don't want to get chewed up by mosquitos.
It's a combination of Viagra & insect repellent.
It's called "F*ck-Off"!!
When my son was in third grade, his teacher asked
him to spell "straight." He did so correctly.
"Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"
"Without water," he replied.
The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus
treated when he returned from his third voyage?"
One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier,
and they all had a great time."
Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and
showed her where it read, "Columbus received a cool reception
when he returned from his third voyage."
Have you heard there's a new soft drink on the market that contains Viagra?
No?
It's called Mount N' Do
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise, secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to.. to.. cut it off are you?!"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, handed the hacksaw to him and said, "Nope. I'm setting the garage on fire."
I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul.
Using my advanced power of male sensitivity, I Somehow, im sensing some sort of anger towards men. ALL i can say is the real head we think with is to small to hold a brain of human size. SO what so you expect..
I love the jokes, so keep em up.
Take care all.
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him
how he's feeling?
"I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride
who's pregnant with my child!
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell
you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidently grabs his
umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near the
creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him.
He raises up his umbrella , points it at the beaver and squeezes the
handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"Thats impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must
have shot the beaver!"
"Bingo!" says the doctor....
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and
says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm
a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On
the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic
band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in,
snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The
wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her
leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in," and she snaps the
elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity
snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
Just after Lorena Bobbitt brutally cut off her husbands penis, she
jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway,
holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the
window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she
could and sped away again.
Meanwhile 2 Canadians driving down the same highway happened to
cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the
penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle.
Stunned but still quiet the 2 Canadians drove on. About 3 miles down
the road the one Canadian turned to the other and said, "Man, did you
see the size of the dick on that mosquito?"
Yankee Fan
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a
foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped
and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect, the Cubs fan
took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan
took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead,
the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down
some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down
some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it,
then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one
last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a
pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and
looking?"
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look
under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."
