Don't let this title startle you. I'm not starting a flame war.
This is something that I've thought a lot about since I have two dogs. My male dog was abused when I got him. He was 5 years old and a total ragamuffin. So dirty and ugly he was adorable. I fell in love with his gentleness and sweet smile. (For those of you that don't know, yes, dogs do smile!) But I quickly realized Henry was not socialized very well. Basically, he'd never had much interaction with people so he was frightened of them. Although I took him home, bathed him, groomed him, and loved on him, he would shy away anytime I leaned down to pet him. He had learned somewhere that a human hand reaching down to him was going to hurt him. After having him for over two years, he's FINALLY (and slowly!) getting better. He follows me around and is a total mama's boy, but he still occasionally acts scared when I pet him or yelps when I try to play with him. Although he's getting used to me, if someone else comes over that he doesn't know, he hides under the bed. He attempts to protect me by barking at the intruder, but he does it from under the bed. LOL!
I think growing up as a JW is much the same thing. I was taught to fear anything of the world. That it was evil and full of people wanting to hurt me. I was not allowed to take part in sports, cheerleading, slumber parties, or any other typical element of childhood. Although my parents were attempting to protect me from evil, their hard work was actually raising a socially retarded child. All these elements of a normal healthy childhood teach children how to interact with each other. Children learn what is socially acceptable to their peers and to adults by these simple daily interactions.
So what happens if a child doesnt learn these social skills growing up? I'm sure there are a lot of scenarios, but I'll just relate mine. I think this probably mirrors many of you here as well.
Because I was not allowed to have the typical childish events like sports, slumber parties, etc., my interaction with peers was severely limited and I really didnt know how to act with people. All I knew about social interaction was learned from my dysfunctional family. When you were mad you screamed, hit, and threw things at people. When you were sad or depressed you didnt dare cry or youd get smacked or spanked even more. When you were happy, it was only to manipulate someone else into getting what you wanted.
So when I was 19 and DFed I was kicked out of my parents home. I had some worldly friends I worked with, that let me stay with them until I found my own place. Outside of feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable, I was shocked at how loving my friends were to me. They fed me, bought me presents, let me live with them rent free, cooked for me, taught me how to do laundry, covered shifts at work for me. I remember thinking many times "Why are they doing this?" and more often than not "What do they want?" I figured they really had an ulterior motive and were not to be trusted. People werent loving and happy unless they wanted something, right? So many times I lashed out at them, was rude to them, was paranoid whenever they wanted private time. Theyre talking about me I just know it! It wasn't until many years later that I realized they really do love me. They stuck by me because they knew I had no family and they wanted to take care of me. They knew of how terrible my home life was and wanted to help repair the damage it had caused. They knew somehow that I was socially retarded and didn't react in healthy, normal ways because I didnt know how. I am so grateful for Daniel Wilson and Tonya Wilson (now Owens). Even if I explained to them what they had done for me, they probably still wouldnt understand the depth of gratitude I have for them. In many ways they saved my life!
I guess I want everyone to understand that even though youre feeling hurt, angry, and confused by the pain that the WTS has caused you, things do get better. If you react strongly or strangely to things, or if you're paranoid of peoples intentions, PLEASE know youre on a path to healing. If you're feelings are easily hurt and you're easily frustrated, that is also part of the healing. You've spent many years in a social circle that was by all definitions unhealthy and strange. It will probably take you years to overcome the pain and habits that it has created. Just be aware of your emotions and how you react to certain situations. Think before you react if possible. If you don't you may have some regrets later in life, like I do with my friends Tonya and Daniel. I regret treating them the ways I did.
In the midst of the pain and frustration of healing/finding my way in this world, I have found myself enjoying the little details in life. Now I enjoy hearing the panting greeting of a dog or the soft purr of a cat. I find that food tastes better and music sounds prettier. My healthy relationships have been deeper and a lot more fun. I find myself being kinder to strangers and more compassionate towards others that experience troublesome times. I find myself being kinder and more compassionate to myself. Which, I've realized, is key to my healing. I've been through hell and sometimes still going through it. Being hard on myself doesn't always help that healing process. In fact, sometimes it slows it down.
I dont know if this has helped, but thanks for just letting me get some thoughts down.
Wishing good times and healing to all of you,
Andi
Edited by - Billygoat on 19 June 2002 12:45:17
Edited by - Billygoat on 19 June 2002 12:53:57