Are you socially retarded? - For the newbies (page 5)

Billygoat

((((Amanda))))

We'll just agree to disagree, k?

Still love ya,

Andi

MissyMoesGhost

Andi -- I will always luv ya sweetie...

Kisses,

Moe

Lady Lee

Poking her nose in

forgiving = forgetting

Nope not from me.

Forgiving requires 2 things -

the person who harmed me must acknowledge the reality of the hurt they caused me
the person who harmed me must apologize and stop doing it

My parents have done neither.

Forgetting what they did leaves me open to them hurting me again. I'm tired of being hurt. Life is so much better without the pain and sorrow.

If I forget what they did I might be tempted to leave my child in their care. This leaves my child open to be abused by them and I am fully aware of just how much damage they can do. This will not happen. My children and grand-daughter need to be protected from anyone who abuses a child my parents included.

People who have forgotten the abuse - I mean really forgotten what happened so much that they have repressed memories - often go back to the parents. They continue relationships with them. Thye take their children there and leave them becuase they do not remember how unsafe it is. I have heard way too many stories of continued abuse well into adulthood to believe that abusers stop at some point. They don't. Forgetting is not the answer. Healing and moving on - learning to protect yourself is the only way to stop the abuse.

That being said some parents do change. In those cases the choices about forgiving might be very different.

Although many of us grew up in abusive dysfunctional homes I don't know that it was being a JW that is the problem. My father was never a JW. My mother joined the JWs after they separated. I think abusers will be abusers no matter what religion they belong to. BUT... I think a lot of dysfunctional people are attracted to dysfunctional groups. In my mother's case I think the structure and rules and demand to not think worked well for her. It suit her personal dysfunction. But she was abusive before she joined and becoming a JW did not turn her into a loving mom.

That being said... growing up in a JW family has its own dysfunctions. It might make some nice parents harsher. It might give some permission to "beat your child" Maybe it makes some better. But I think the reality of growing up a JW wether the family is abusive or not restricts emotional or socail growth.

One more thing and I hope you don't mind ------ if there are people who do not feel safe speaking about these issues here in a public forum but would like to continue to share please contact me for the URL for a private discussion forum for those who were abused as a JW either as a child or as a wife

Lee <---- stepping off soap box

LyinEyes

Billygoat, my childhood as a jw was the same,, miserable. I think some things you never get over, you may forgive, you may lock it away, but you can never forget.

Outlaw your story made me cry. My mom was young, new Jw, with a prescription drug problem, plus emotional problems. She would lock me and my younger sister, who was a baby, in the room with her while she slept the drugs off. I was around four or five. I used to watch the sun go up and the sun go down, all alone while they slept. I would pray to God that Daddy would not be working late again. I was so alone, bored and sometimes hungry .

I will not even go even go into what my Dad did to me. I am still sure I have blocked alot of it out. But the abuse will be with me forever. It shaped who I am today. I often wonder what kind of person I would have turned out to be if I would have not had my parents abuse me. I wonder if just one of them could have been half way, kind and loving. My mother is gone , but I have made peace with her and being a mother myself I realize it is the hardest thing to be good at. So I do forgive her for the things she did. My father is still JW and has never tried to make things right with me. So I have no choice but to go on with my life the best that I can. The road to recovery is on going, it never ends. Sometimes that road will take a new twist or turn, I am just trying to keep it between the lines.

Hmmm

Why are the men (most) so afraid to open up?
Just an observation....seems to be this way whether you are a ex-JW or worldly man. Why can't you share your feelings?

Can you tell by the lack of response to your question that you were on the right track? :)

I think Billygoat (who is just such a sweetie. I'm still waiting for her to accept my proposal) made some great points about how growing up in a certain environment affects you throughout your life. Growing up in a JW household can retard your social development. Growing up in an abusive environment can cause you to be paranoid and timid (or overly aggressive).

Well, growing up a male in Western society impacts us. Even after the "get in touch with your feminine side" 80s, males are still bombarded with pressure to stifle 'girlie' feelings.

One of the newsmagazine shows did a story on this recently. They observed a group of 5-year-olds playing. The boys gravitated toward competitive/violent toys and games, while the girls played cooperative/peaceful toys and games. When one boy picked up a Barbie doll, he was immediately told "that's for girls" by one of the other little boys, who undoubtedly had been told that by an older male in his life.

If we leave the JW or abusive environment, we have a chance of seeing that our environment was not normal. We can re-learn how to interact with people in more socially and emotionally mature ways.

But where do men re-learn how to express their feelings? How do they leave that environment and realize that it's not normal, when it is normal in Western society? The male stiff upper lip is so normal that men pay money to go out in the woods to cry and hug other men.

On the other hand, I don't think it's that big a deal, if it's not taken to the vulcan extreme. Then again, I'm a guy.

Hmmm

(Satisfying my quota with one non-fluff post per week)

yrs2long

Social interaction is not something that has been easy for me even as a child. I don't know how much being jw contributed to it or if it was due to being one of the youngest in a large family or any number of other factors including physical abuse and emotional abuse from my mother. Anyway, I was painfully shy and my parents were of the 'children should be seen and not heard' variety. Up until very recently, I viewed social interaction as hard work, feeling that I was 'on' or entertaining people and I would view myself from behind my eyes or as I thought I appeared to people. This was quite tedious and so I naturally avoided people as much as possible. I dreaded field service and my presentations were always carefully scripted. At congregation and family gatherings I was often the one in the corner with a book.

It even affected my employment where, working in civil service jobs, I would score the highest on exams yet place somewhere in the middle on list rankings because my subsequent interview score would yank my overall score down. Spontaneous conversation was a laborious chore. I couldn't even engage in free hearted joshing as I often edited my responses carefully before actually replying.

Dating was a total nightmare and even though I am not at all hard on the eyes, I have only had two serious relationships, one of which ended in marriage.

Well, about four years ago I met a psychologist at work and somehow we began dating, mainly due to his persistence. Thankfully, he has been working with me to become a more social person and I have made great progress due to his assistance. He told me that I lived inside my head and that I didn't engage with people.

For instance, when I knew I would make an attempt for an administrative technology position which would require creating a project and making a long presentation, he worked with me on developing my social skills. It's funny to think about it now, but he told me that my biggest challenge would not be showcasing my technical skills but establishing a rapport with the interview panel. He said I would need to learn how to engage with people and gave me an assignment that began with just speaking with people. And so I did, initiating spontaneous conversations with tellers, grocery checkers, neighbors and so on for months before my presentation. And wouldn't you know it, I nailed the interview and got the job!!! Actually, I placed in the top 3 out of 300 initial applicants with the difference between the top 3 being a fraction of a point. Seniority points were figured in and I had the least. Anyway, since that time, and with his help, I have become quite the social butterfly, at least at work and in my family.

However, being social on this site is difficult and ost of my responses on are either quick 'me too' responses or responses to subjects that I am passionate about.

yrs2long

Hmmm

Y2L,

In the interest of improving your social interaction on this site, I direct your attention to one of the many "boobie" threads. Help can be provided if you're having trouble posting pictures.

Hmmm

(back to the fluff)

BugParadise

This is something that I've thought a lot about since I have two dogs. My male dog was abused when I got him. He was 5 years old and a total ragamuffin. So dirty and ugly he was adorable. I fell in love with his gentleness and sweet smile. (For those of you that don't know, yes, dogs do smile!) But I quickly realized Henry was not socialized very well. Basically, he'd never had much interaction with people so he was frightened of them. Although I took him home, bathed him, groomed him, and loved on him, he would shy away anytime I leaned down to pet him. He had learned somewhere that a human hand reaching down to him was going to hurt him. After having him for over two years, he's FINALLY (and slowly!) getting better. He follows me around and is a total mama's boy, but he still occasionally acts scared when I pet him or yelps when I try to play with him. Although he's getting used to me, if someone else comes over that he doesn't know, he hides under the bed. He attempts to protect me by barking at the intruder, but he does it from under the bed. LOL!

Sounds great! What kind of dog is he? Sounds you have done a wonderful job. Working as a Vet Tech I know we love animal owners such as yourself that are so caring!

I had 4 Goldens at one time and I remember the female was so noisy and she would bark and bark but then turn around to look at the male (Max) to see if he "had her back" so to speak :)

teejay

Nice post, Andi. Very nice.

Are you socially retarded? - For the newbies

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