Married Guyz / Extramarital "Friendships&a...

by SPAZnik 66 Replies latest social relationships

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  Incense_and_Peppermints

  stay away, far far away, from married men.

  signed, incense who won't even flirt with married guys. yeeesh.
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  LB

  Ummm, anyone mention that guys are pigs??
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  peaceloveharmony

  LB, thought that was a given ;)
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  Solace

  My husband and I are both huge flirts. I guess its a good thing that we ended up together because nobody else would probably put up with us.
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  Hmmm

  Also about what kind of vibe or unintentional signals i may be sending
  that is putting me into this situation time and again. (or is this just life on the outside?)

  Do you happen to contract your diaphragm, inhaling and exhaling air from your lungs, sometimes 30 times per minute? Breathing tends to have that effect on men.

  Hmmm
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  Kingpawn

  A couple of things come to mind when trying to explain married men's attraction to single women.

  1. An episode of Phil Donahue decades ago dwelt on the problems newly-divorced women had dating. One said "Sex." Another chimed in, "They think you've been without it so long you can't wait to drag them to bed." So some of these men could assume you've had a long nasty battle, and you're as horny as they would be after that time. What they don't realize is that for a variety of reasons, women can go without sex for long periods of time and not miss it as badly, if at all. It's not like food, after all.

  2. Kinda ties into the last part of #1. I've read that "evolutionary biologists" theorize that men sought multiple sex partners in caveman days as a way of insuring the bloodlines continued. in the religious area we see this in the societies that allowed polygamy or polyamory. The point being that we still act based on those ideas.

  3. The guys are responding to a mid-life crisis. There comes a time when we look back at our lives and ask ourselves, "What have I done?" And for many this is an incredibly depressing time. They think of the paths not taken, the job choices or other opportunities missed, and their declining youth, and they overreact. Buying a sports car, taking up dangerous hobbies, affairs are some ways they handle it. I'm not saying that excuses their marital wanderlust though. And though someone could tell them about the uselessness of hindsight in such cases, it doesn't matter. Sure, we didn't know then that had we done this or that things would have been different (i.e., better) but we know now.

  4. Ties in with number three a little. Are they still "virile?" Do women still swoon over them (failing to notice the vast majority never did anyway)? And so you're both a challenge and an opportunity. Maybe even a conquest.

  I had a divorced woman hit on me once (though I was too shy to recognize it). This was when my wife and I both worked at the same place (she and Lady X are both nurse adie's). She told me she was divorced, showed me a pic of her ex and their daughter, and put her hand over mine. I didn't respond, and so she soon lost interest. I was vaguely uncomfortable but that's long past.

  Well, this is more than a couple of things, =:0 and some may see flaws I've overlooked. And the old "My wife doesn't understand me" line still makes the rounds as far as I know. Plus that old saw about the grass being greener somewhere else.

  As far as signals you could be sending unintentionally: what guy doesn't like talking to attractive women? Just being there could be enough for some guys. Now, where I work, the amount of openly expressed sexual desire is making us a legend in our county. Several women got into a discussion one night while labelling boxes on the topic of--penises. Nobody's in particular, though there was speculation about one guy on Sanitation who'd make a horse feel inferior. One of the older women had to complain to get it stopped. The atmosphere is sexual to some degree with many. Anyway, looks, comments (out of earshot) are made about one supervisor when she comes in during our lunch break (5:30-6:00 AM). Our resident accountant many times wears SHORT culottes and so on (and has the legs for it, I'll admit). The first one isn't doing anything I can say is out of the ordinary--she's attractive, smiles, isn't going to change how she gets to her work area because of us horny perverts, and so on it goes.
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  Seeker4

  Don't really have a lot of time today to write, but I found this an interesting topic. Just wanted to add a couple of comments from the married guy's side of things. I wrote rather openly about this whole thing a year or so ago on this board.

  I found myself in a rather compelling situation as I hit mid-life. I had come to realize that, despite a life time as a Witness, I was in fact going to grow old and die. At the same time I also realized that my beliefs as a Witness were a house of cards stacked on a slippery sand pile and the whole thing collapsed. I was suddenly looking at everything in my life with new eyes. Everything.

  I had been married and monogamous for going on 30 years, so it wasn't like I couldn't stay faithful. But I also found myself meeting and becoming friends with a lot of women, some very attractive to me, and several obviously shared the attraction. They were married, single, in long term relationships and ranged in age about 20 years or so. Over a couple of years I found myself in sexual relationships with several of them. Ground rules, as someone stated above, were clear from the start.

  That all ended a year ago. My wife knows, and we're working things out, painfully, but all in all rather well.

  But I also am asking myself why it happened. There are the answers that are obvious in what I was going through - the collapse of my religious beliefs, the realizations of my mortality. There was also what others have mentioned - the looking at what you had bypassed in life, the chances not taken, the wonder if you have missed out on something.

  There is also an ego thing, knowing that you're attractive to a beautiful woman. There is the desire for physical closeness. Conquests is not a word that I think fits, but in some ways I understand that it might.

  And especially for me there was the excitement, the danger, the very intense feeling that you are totally alive and in that moment. For a Witness who had put off any number of things waiting for the New System to come, and who had suppressed an inherent wildness, I think that I was finally releasing an incredible drive to feel alive, to know that I had lived intensely. To be a reckless and even a dangerous man for a change.

  I'm learning some more socially acceptable ways to do that now, while still trying to learn from what I went through. And contrary to the way some of the women on here seem to really dislike the guys they were involved with, I have to say that I've remained good friends with all these women. We talk, I've explained what's happening now in my life, and we remain friends. I also have to say that NO ONE went into this with their eyes shut - it was definitely a mutual thing in all cases, and, as often as not initiated by the woman. There are single women who definitely like married guys, and married women as well.

  What does it all boil down to? It's far too complex for a simple answer, but includes all of the factors from a hundred thousand years of evolution, our biology, our fears, our desires, the individual need for excitement and contact with another person, the desire to experience as much as possible in one lifetime, physical attraction, loneliness, a sense of fun and sometimes just the good ol' need for a quick romp in the hay. Oh yeah, and someone already said it - men are pigs!

  S4
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  Sentinel

  THE NEED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IS GENETICALLY IMPLANTED.

  WE CAN'T HELP OURSELVES.

  MEN ARE VERY DIFFERENT FROM WOMEN.

  A WOMAN CAN USUALLY HAVE A MALE FRIEND WITHOUT THINKING OF SEX. SHE MIGHT NEED A FRIEND OR COMPANIONSHIP.

  A MAN IS CHEMICALLY DRIVEN NATURALLY TO PRO-CREATE, SO HE IS ALWAYS THINKING OF SEX, EVEN THOUGH HE TELLS HIMSELF HE ISN'T.

  I SUPPOSE WE ALL JUST HAVE TO TRY TO BE RESPECTFUL IN DEALING WITH EACH OTHER.

  Karen
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  Francois

  In my experience, a guy wearing a wedding band becomes immediatelty attractive to women - married ones and unmarried ones. It certainly happened to me enough times.

  It ain't just the guys who're willing to have a little fling. We take the hard rap for it, but that just your basic unfairness and stereotyping at work.

  And there's as many reasons for men and women to go after a married person as there are men and women.

  No one should be judgemental about it. Watch your own behavior if you're concerned. Best not to judge another's.

  $0.02

  -francois

  P.S. Oh, yes we can too help ourselves. We're not just a collection of chemical driven urges after all.

  Edited by - francois on 16 August 2002 15:0:54
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  SPAZnik

  13th_apostate
  
  thanks fer yer commentz
  
  

  edited to add: ALONE, I left the club alone. dont want anyone to get the wrong idea.

  lol. yeah, we believe you. millions wouldn't but we will. lmao. (just kidding)
  
  

  as a married man, I don't flirt seriously. I'm a really easy going fun loving type of guy. I will tell a married friend she is sexy if I think she is depressed or she is having a bad day. I never flirt with "intention" as it were. for me, it is easy to pick up the unspoken vibes a woman puts out. it's the woman who I dont know very well that puts out the strong sexual vibe that I try to avoid.

  i think your comment about not flirting seriously or with intention is really key here. yes, intention matters. i too have a couple of married male friends that wink without intention. humans are sexual creatures, that'll happen.
  
  i appreciate your comments, it's great to hear things from "the other side". very interesting.
  
  i guess i'm just trying to wrap my mind around the morality issues of ones that flirt with intention.
  not to judge them, just to decide fer myself what i think and how to handle it best.
  
  i don't understand why such a guy would expect me to want him, if he is with someone else and the situation is clear that his wife would be hurt if she knew. why would i waste my time in a relationship like that?
  
  i definitely see a big difference between the two (flirting vs. cheating). i'm fairly open to sexual discussions, i enjoy the topic and (when i'm not involved in a committed relationship) i definitely flirt.
  
  i guess my main question is trying to better understand the mindset of those with "intention",
  as well as the judgmental nature of others that observe it.

  SPAZ