Should the boyfriend sleep over??

Beck_Melbourne

Just a question to you parents out there. I've never had teenagers before, so I'm kinda new at this. My eldest daughter is 17 this month...and we have discussed the 'pill'. She agreed that she would wait until she turned 17 before going on the pill, and only if she was in a steady relationship.

Here comes the tricky part. She has a boyfriend her age, they have been together for a few months. She has told me that she is now ready to go on the pill...*gulp* Why do I feel nervous about consenting to this natural request??

Anyway, last night was the first night her boyfriend stayed over. He slept in the spare room, and my daughter slept in her own room. She is not quite on the pill yet, and even if she were, I don't know how I would feel about him sleeping in her room. I also have 2 younger kids, how will my consenting to these sleeping arrangements affect them as observers??

As for the boyfriend, I like him a lot, he's very respectful and he spends a fair bit of time at our house. Together they make a cute young couple. He plays golf (weird huh LOL), he's polite, his family love my daughter and they all seem to get along okay. So what's the problem?? Its me! I 'm not sure what is the right thing to do here. Am I being too liberal to allow her to have him stay over in her room once she is on the pill? Or should I allow him to stay over but to continue sleeping in the spare room, knowing full well they are going to sneak across the hallway anyway? OR...should I allow her to go on the pill, but NOT allow the boyfriend to sleep over at all, forcing them to sneak off in the back seat of cars or potentially dangerous locations??

HELP??? All suggestions welcome! Thanks in advance.

Beck

plmkrzy

I also have 2 younger kids, how will my consenting to these sleeping arrangements affect them as observers??

For me I think that would have been the hardest decission. My situation was very different for one thing I have no daughters. And another thing the first son to approach this situation was the youngest one.

His girl friend is also a year older then he is. He is rather mature for his age. When people meet him they asume he is in college already. And they have known eachother for 3 years.

Her parents allow him to spend week-ends at their home and I allow her to do the same here.

We all had "the talk" many many many times and I decided the best thing for my situation was to accept it.

That is my situation though. If he had younger brothers and sisters I don't know if I would have done the same thing.

It was a tough decission for me to make.

Scully

Delicate situation, Beck. I empathize with you completely.

Before you go making any "decrees" that will likely result in your being branded as the "uncool mom", maybe another chat with your daughter is in order.

First of all, I don't know whether your daughter is still in high school or beyond that point. If she's still in school, I'd limit the overnight visits to weekends only, when you can be there to kind of put a damper on the smouldering tinderbox of teenage lust.

While being on "the pill" is fine for the sake of birth control, I'd also recommend that she insist that condoms be used for protection against STDs. She also needs to be aware that under certain circumstances, "the pill" will not work - for example if she has to take antibiotics (or a number of other medications) - and it's good to have condoms as a second line of protection against unplanned pregnancy.

The other thing your daughter needs to be aware of is how HER sexual activity in YOUR home that SHE shares with YOU and your other children/HER siblings presents an ethical dilemma for you. Discuss with her the points you raise about not wanting her to feel like she needs to resort to sneaking around behind your back or in the back of parked cars in dark alleys, however she needs to be considerate of the impact any overt sexual activity will have on the other children in the home. Emphasize that they'll need to be respectful, discreet, and prepared to abstain if it disturbs the other children in any way.

I think if you discuss it with her matter-of-factly and involve her in the decision-making process, you'll be far more likely to have her (and her boyfriend's) co-operation. Once you discuss this with her, then you can also discuss it with both of them together. No doubt it will be intimidating for him, but I think in the long run both he and your daughter will appreciate you taking the time to discuss your feelings about this openly and honestly with them.

Now, would you mind bookmarking this thread for me for when my now 16 year old son starts wanting to invite girls over??

Love, Scully

Beck_Melbourne

Thanks Plum. When I was young, I planned on being a cool mum LOL...now I'm not so sure I want to be 'cool'.

After starting this thread, I reflected on the issues of smoking and cursing. I know my kids swear at school and when they hang out with their friends...I did when I was their age. But its a rule in our house that they do not use that language at home...I can't stop them at school, but I can at home. I don't curse and carry on in front of them...I expect the same from them. The same deal goes with smoking. I smell smoke on my eldest daughter's clothes sometimes, and I suspect she is smoking even though she denies it. If she is sneaking outside to have a cigarette, then I turn a blind eye, as I do not want her to think that she has my consent...if I consented to her smoking, she would only smoke more with her newfound freedom. In my own way I am happier with the idea that she does not smoke...but realistically I suspect she does. I guess I'm the same with her sexuality.

Oh I am so confused!! I should have had 10 boys.

Beck

plmkrzy

When I was young, I planned on being a cool mum LOL...

NOW THAT I can definitly relate to.

I thought the very same thing I guess because I had a strict up bringing compared to the average kid.

But when the time comes to put up, ahhhhhhhhhhh! Lately I have felt like an old mrs. C and not sure I like it. My kids don't do 1/2 the stuff I had already done by the time I was 13.

Of course I was sneaky. I just keep reminding myself of that when ever I start feeling guilty about being liberal.

((((BECK))))) This to shall pass...

Beck_Melbourne

Scully

however she needs to be considerate of the impact any overt sexual activity will have on the other children in the home. Emphasize that they'll need to be respectful, discreet, and prepared to abstain if it disturbs the other children in any way

Yes I agree...I have raised my kids with lots of affection...they are not strangers to hugging and physical contact. So the younger children have become accustomed to seeing their sister cuddle on the couch with her boyfriend...and there seems to be no inappropriate touching carrying on, that I am aware of at least. But I agree that I must sit down and establish some rules of conduct in our home, rather then leaving it up to their intuitive selves.

I have had some serious heart to heart chats with my daughter on the subject of sex/pill/std etc...it will probably be a sensible idea to rehash it all over again but include the boyfriend...I can't take it for granted that his parents have done the same thing with him. I have nothing to lose by it.

I was reflecting, as I do, on whether things would be easier when my son goes through this. I don't think it will be any easier for the poor boy, as he is at a terrible disadvantage. When he does want to bring home a girl, I pity the poor girl if his sisters and mother don't like her. If he brings home a skank...I don't think I could cope...will this ever end?? LOL

And Plum, as for being sneaky as a teen...man do I have some stories to tell LOL....I was good...NO...correction...I was DAMN GOOD!

Edited by - Beck_Melbourne on 3 September 2002 2:43:20

BeautifulGarbage

Well, thanks a lot, Beck!

You got me shaking in my boots at the thought of having to go through this, myself. My daughter is 11 and already ("already" she says, hell it' s been nearly since she was born!) butting heads on so many "issues". A Mom can only take "you are RUINING my life"! so many times. Now I might have THIS to look forward to.

I love this quote from Bill Cosby "We JUST wanted some children to send to college".

Andee

Beck_Melbourne

Andee

*gulp* You ain't heard nuthin yet! Its only just begun LOL. I also have an 11 yr old...she'll be 12 this year but you would think she's 18. Kids of today, they are just growing up too fast.

Here's a pic she took of herself while playing 'SUPER MODELS' LOL...I can't believe she's only 11, but not a lot we can do, can't put them back now LOL.

Beck

refiners fire

Well Beck, in this matter i choose to give you the benefit of my staggering brilliance and incredible amount of experience. lol.

They are going to do what they are going to do anyway. In all likelyhood...they already are. better that you have some involvement in the process and be viewed as "cool' and approachable. Rather than the restrictive parent.

The oracle has spoken....

Beck_Melbourne

Oracle

Yes my only concern here is to be 'cool' LOL. Actually...you have a nice kid...so you're doing something right so it seems. I didn't have to smack him last time he was here...although I did threaten to a couple of times...he responds well to threats I noticed

You are right, oh wise one, they are indeed going to do what they are going to do. I do want my kids to remember their teen years with fondness...unlike myself...my teen years hold sour memories for me...thanks to that cult my mother attached herself too *sigh*

I only hope that I'm not too concerned about being a 'cool' mum then being a sensible one.

Beck

Should the boyfriend sleep over??

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