Social retards

Simon

I've been thinking a lot recently about the interaction between people in the exJW community and it seem to me that the "JW Experience" (sounds like a theme park ride doesn't it?) polarises behavior somewhat between two extremes:

We know in the JW scheme of things that friendships are very 'superficial'. One day, you can be friends with a couple of hundred people and meet & talk with them several times a week and then a day (and an announcement from the platform) later ... you are on your own with not so much as a nod in the street as you walk past. You realise that you didn't really have 'friends' so much as people who just happened to go to the same club as you on the same days.

For us, we've seen how false the friendships we had were and this makes us value the friendships we've made since we left even more. We may not be good at friendships and be a bit awkward socially but we this probably makes us value them even more. Most of the friendships go beyond just having the shared commonality of a JW past which makes them much stronger.

For some, they seem to go the other way - every relationship appears to mirror the transient nature of the JW-type friendships and the scheming and back-biting that always seemed to go along with it. One minute people find they are classed as a friend ... the next, they are not - people are used and discarded as it suits and affection turned on and off at will. They may have left the JWs but the JW has not left them.

Both are different types of 'social retard' which I consider myself to be - I do find personal interaction difficult due to my past but because of this I really value the friendships I have made since. I think some other "social retards" have the same difficulties but can't seem to shake the JW mentality which often results in only having short-term acquaintances and soured relationships.

What do you think? Do you consider yourself socially stunted because of the JW upbringing and how do you cope with it?

nilfun

Socially stunted, yes.

How do I cope? I try to do my best at being friendly and approachable.
I remind myself to shut off that tape recording I want to play after
every conversation, the one where I feel embarrassed or mentally kick
myself over and over for saying something stupid.
I try not to take it personally if I don't hit it off with someone.
I just try to be myself and hope that it will connect with someone
who's on the same wavelength.

"Social Retards"- that's way harsh, dude. LOL.

Amazing

Hi Simon: I think the "JW" experience can and does affect many JWs in the ways you discuss. I was not raised a JW and much of my career experience and education helped to reduce or eliminate the full impact of being a JW. Some seem to have very narrow vision and read things into the actions and words of others that are not there ... we can look at a good example like Larc who, with his psychological background works well with many ... and yet certain self-proclaimed psychobabble experts who used to post here are not as open and flexible as Larc and others. I think it has less to do with the JW experience as it does with the person, and their level of education, exposure to people, and success at interaction with people of various backgrounds. I think the JW experience tends to exacerbate the already difficult and challenging time some personalities have in coping with other people.

Simon

I find that I always seme to be talking to myself saying "what would a normal person be doing now" to decide how to act

Windchaser

One minute people find they are classed as a friend ... the next, they are not - people are used and discarded as it suits and affection turned on and off at will.

I'm glad I'm not alone in the used and discarded department.

I wasn't raised a jw, but I think I've always been socially stunted. All I can do is try to be a better person and a better friend.

teejay

One day, you can be friends with a couple of hundred people and meet & talk with them several times a week and then a day (and an announcement from the platform) later ... you are on your own with not so much as a nod in the street as you walk past. You realise that you didn't really have 'friends' so much as people who just happened to go to the same club as you on the same days.

Good point. Many of us know exactly what you're talking about -- having been shunned by folks we KNEW would NEVER do that to us.

Still, as time goes on... I see fewer and fewer differences between jws and ex-jws, regardless of the claimed religious affiliation. I've come to see and experience firsthand that ex-JWs I've "met" over the past couple of years aren't that much different from the JWs I've "known" my whole life... or the world at large, for that matter. Every one of the "exes" fit nicely into categories I'd already established due to my JW experience.

People are people. Some are genuine--as good as GOLD--and have no hidden jealousies or agendas. Others aren't so up-front or secure or good-at-heart (however you want to say it) and you wouldn't give them the time of day if you knew them in person.

I, personally, refuse to blame all of the social dysfunction that I've seen in the ex-JW community on the governing body. Sometimes people know that what they are doing is wrong and simply don't have the strength, desire, or inner character to stop the cycle of abuse and pain.

And that's just the way it is, regardless of what group somebody claims allegiance to.

My nickel.

Farkel

Simon,

:I find that I always seme to be talking to myself saying "what would a normal person be doing now" to decide how to act

When you find out, I'd like to be the first to know!

Farkel

Englishman

Simon,

It's quite simple. JW's have a persecution complex. When you leave, this complex stays with you and one automatically expects to be disliked and unpopular.

I tell people that I am an ex-JW, however I wait until we have a good relationship going first, less they think that I am still a JW at heart.

Of course, I am a naturally noisy, boisterous and emotive person anyway, I was even when I was a Dubbie. If you are inclined to be withdrawn sometimes, that could well be just your natural inclination and nothing to do with JW's, the persecution complex then just becoming an added complication.

I would recommend leavers to join some group activity of some sort so as to keep in touch with normal people. Yoga classes, college courses, amateur dramatics, anything where there are people to keep one's social skills honed.

Englishman.

Windchaser

I

just try to be myself and hope that it will connect with someone
who's on the same wavelength.

nilfun, you're just full of little gems, aren't you?

DakotaRed

Simon, I think you hit the nail on the head. While I get along with all the people I work with, 13 years ago, when I started there, I was also studying with the JWs and bought into their "don't get too friendly" doctrine. Now that I am an ex'er, will still all get along, but the friendships never formed. Of course, what was perceived as friends in the congregation dissolved long ago.

However, I also feel I somewhat had the attitude of not letting myself get too close to people left over from Vietnam, both due to losing buddies and also the treatment and general attitude society showed towards us. So, I was ripe for the JWs and their nonsense and fell for it later in life.

Today, re-establishing contact with old buddies has helped me heal old wounds immensely. Finding this site and meeting some people here is helping me heal some wounds left over from the JWs. While I doubt I will ever totally be what society considers normal, I do value friendships I am forming and hope to grow with them.

((((Windy)))) I've always found you to be one of the friendliest people here. You don't appear socially retarded at all and I do hope to meet you one day.

As for normalcy, I've heard that being "normal" is highly over rated

Social retards

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