by Shytears 40 Replies latest watchtower medical
Shakita,
Men just don't get it.
Yet another man-bashing generalization.
Believe it or not, some of us men do "get it," just as SOME women "get it." The question is, "Do you get it?" Do you understand that to generalize this way belies your claim of "getting it"?
I won't expect a response, because we all know that women are computer illiterate.
FP
Freepeace:
You are right. I should have said "boys" instead of men. Boy's at 16 years of age do not have the problems associated with the "night after" sex. They will not be the one who will be dealing with the issues of an unwanted pregnancy. Most boys this age will not be there for the girl if this does happen.
I gave my advice to shytears from the experience of being female and 16. And, having kids who I care about who are now grown.
I hope, shytears, that you realize that everyone on this board can only give an opinion, or advice based on their own experience in life. Unless otherwise stated, we are not experts here and can only be of encouragement and maybe a little help when appropriate. I wish you the best.
Mrs. Shakita
Shytears, I hardly know how to begin.
First, do not tell the elders or anyone jw, you will not get a Christ-like response from them.
My Dad would not let me date until I was 16. At that time he sat me down and had a real Father-Daughter talk with me, beginning by asking me if he had ever lied to me. I had to admit that he never had and that I knew his love for me was unconditional. He then told me that the prime objective of young men was to have sex, that it was a biological drive at that age and had very little to do with 'love'; as a man he had experienced that for himself.
Dad's second point was that if the young man was so casual about sex, I could be assured that I was not his first, and I would definately not be his last.
Dad's third point was that no one would think more of me than I do of myself, and so I should highly value my mind and body as he had tried to teach me to value myself. That no matter how expensive a date was or how long I had been dating someone, that I owed no man anything; that their repayment of time and attention 'spent' on me was fully recompensed "by the pleasue and honor of being in your company"!
I took Dad's advice seriously, and through my dating years never had sex unless the subject of marriage was brought up by the guy, never by me. (these instances were very few, by the way) The man's willingness to talk of marriage sort of reassured me that I would not be 'left in the lurch'.
My first marriage, based primarily on sex before marriage, failed after 11 years; after coming to the conclusion that I loved him, but did not like him and that there were no children to be hurt by divorce. I still remembered Dad's advice, and after the divorce had many, many first and second dates, but no third dates, because they were not going to easily get what they were really after.
Then I met Bud. He kept dating me, week after week, driving fourty miles each way to pick me up at my apt. instead of asking me to meet him halfway. I found myself liking, respecting and admireing him (I was 32 at the time, he was 44). Well, one night we were parked under a full moon and our cuddling was beginning to turn into petting, so I said (and I do not know where this came from) "There is pleanty of time for 'that' later, and if there is no 'later', it is highly inappropriate now"..... We were married less than a month later....Nov.,'74. Our like has grown into love that keeps growing as he and I grow older. God Bless my Daddy, who told me the truth.
I cannot begin to advise you in this matter, but can olny point to how these matters turned out for me..... In a nutshell " He isn't going to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free. "
Hope my Daddy's thoughts from years ago can help you in you future. talley/Judy
ShyTears,
I am a mother, of 2 boys.I talked till i thought i'd drop about early sex. They were so influenced by their peer group that they had sex anyway. i will never forget my 13 son coming home in tears telling me he had had sex and how bad he felt and for me to pls not tell elders. I could have cried for him-and i felt for the girl, I worried he could be a father at age 13.(he wasn't)
No matter what everyone else says they are doing-don't do something u are not ready to do. Jumping in a car and having sex on the spur of the monent doesnt' sound like something u gave a lot of thought to. And for sure the guy has spread it all over school by now. And u can get a reputation for being easy. Guys are cool when they do it -girls are easy. It is adouble standard-but it is still there.Guys that age don't feel romace and all that -they just want to get laid and tell their buddies.
If u could trust your parents not to report u to the elders-i'd talk to them. But if they are like the average JW they will take u before the elders to discipline u. Do u have a school counsler to talk to ?
Before u even think of of having sex again-talk to a school counselor and see how u really feel about
sex in general. Maybe u are not ready for it. There's no law that says u have to have sex. And as a
number have said, condoms don't always work-nothing is 100%. Think of having a bay at age 16-17
and not getting to go to college or have all the fun the others kids will be having.Sex is not for kids. it
is for adults. And a lot of adults have problems in this area-think how many people are DF every year? Even being an adult does mean u are ready to have sex with just anyone.
Edited by - wednesday on 2 November 2002 20:43:49
Edited by - wednesday on 2 November 2002 21:15:31
Shytears,
I'm sorry that you're feeling so confused right now, but that's part of the deal when you start having sex. There are alot of questions and realizations that will go through your head for awhile. I hope that you can somehow gain from this experience.
If I could, I'd like to add some of my thoughts those already given to you by others. First, don't tell the elders. That isn't a way to absolve yourself of any guilt you might be feeling. If you still believe in God, I think you might want to pray to Him about what you're going through. There's a reason why you chose to do what you did, and I don't think it neccessarily has to do with sex.
Don't be surprised if the boy tells his friends. If he's really got a thing for you or is concerned about your reputation, he might not. If his friends are cool, it may not get any further than them.
In my experience, one night stands suck...I know that everyone doesn't feel that way, but given your age, even if you don't find that to be true you should probably wait until your older to go that route. That way you won't have to pay the rest of your life for foolish mistakes you made when you were young. Wait until your older and more comfortable in your own skin to make such possibly life altering decisions.
Wishing you the best,
Lea
Shytears, don't beat yourself up over what has already happened. Just consider carefully what your priorities and values are. Unfortunately, as a JW, you are controlled rather than being taught to make informed, careful choices. Instead of basing decisions on what you believe to be best for yourself, you have to think about how the elders and other members of the congregation will react.
It is perfectly natural to have sexual feelings at your age, but not always wise to act on those feelings. Feelings are valid and should be acknowledged, but behavior should be based upon careful thought and consideration of priorities and values.
If you feel guilty, ask yourself why. If you honestly conclude that you are not ready for the level of commitment that should be part of a sexual relationship, then ask your boyfriend to give you some space to sort things out.
You'll be fine. Get past the guilt. Just be sure you know what you want, and that you know you are doing what is best for yourself, not just pleasing someone else.
Most boys this age will not be there for the girl if this does happen.
I am glad you prefaced this with MOST, but I still don't think that is fair to say. What is your experience, aside from parenting your own children with teenagers on the whole? I don't think that is a fair assumption to make. Every individual case is different. And while I will say MOST 16 year olds aren't ready for the issues that sex bring up, I think it unfair you label them ALL as immature. Unprepared most assuredly they are (but that's a society issue more than anything else), but calling them all immature is not fair. I know quite a few 16 year olds going on 30. But I digress. Everyone has a different emotional development.
To the issue at hand, Shytears, I agree with most everyone here, you shouldn't feel guilty about sex. However, could it be your guilt has nothing to do with Elder/JW issues, and everything to do with how you view the event? You were skant on details. I know you have said in previous posts you like this guy, and more power to you, but hooking up in a car kind of loses the "Specialness" of the first time. And you did say you are worried about his blabbing. How well do you know this guy? I mean really? If you are upset in the way things went down, then yes, you probably do feel guilty that this wasn't a guy you dated for a long time, and the setting wasn't perfect. But learn from that. Know that next time you expect the guy to be a little more clear on his feelings for you and a more established relationship, if that's what you want.
Don't let this one event rule your future sexual experiences. If you know you are not easy, let them all know it too. If you want to have sex again with him, that's your choice, if you choose this isn't something you are ready for, more power to you. This is your life and your body. The only one who can tell you how to feel about sex is you. The only one who can label you, is you. Feel free to take as long as you need to piece out how you are feeling and what you want and need in a sexual relationship...good luck girlie!
Shytears,
I'm glad you used protection !!! If you continue to have sex , Be Smart!! I was a year younger than you my first time. I never had any emotional hangups about it. Then again I wasn't a JW when I was a teen. I wouldn't advise telling the elders. If you later decide that you didn't make a good decision , thats ok... Chalk it up to a learning experience and wait until the time is right for you. There is nothing wrong in waiting . ( the mom in me is coming out) .
jurs
Ok,i have given things alot of thought,and yall helped me alot.i figure it was my decison nobody needs to know but me.the elders will just make me feel bad about it.i told my friend she is a jw but not baptized,she said she had sex too! she said no big deal,she said if anyone says anything tell them to mind their own fuckin business :) go Blair.!! wow im not the only one in the kh,heheh.she also wants out when she is 18,like me. Yay! i know i can trust her.Anyways it was not what i expected ,but hey its never what you expect when its your first time.,! guess i will go im getting sleeply,bye all take care
Laura
Edited by - Shytears on 4 November 2002 18:7:4
Shytears, If you like the guy, talk to him, see how he feels, don't worry about all this "reputation stuff" I did'nt read you saying anything about him talking about it. As for the rest of you, using this as a male bashing session, the first girl I was w/ told everyone, I was stressed because she was friends w/ my best friend who was a jw. It does'nt sound like her having sex was this guy was involuntary( and if it was involuntary, I'm sorry for saying so, & call the police.) But all of this B.S about how guys are different etc. is exactly that. I am so pissed off right now. All I ever heard from my jw grandma was " Be careful w/ girls, they feel more deeply than guys" which basically invalidates men, as our emotions are what make us human. I am so tired of this. Robert Heinlein said, " Men are more sentimental than women, it blurs their judgement".
It is this men are pigs mentality that we teach to our daughters & that is expressed thru mags like cosmo that allows women to treat men like shit & continues the vicious cycle, causing men to resent women. God, we're all PEOPLE. YEs, we're different, thank god, that's what makes life interesting. But, ripping on men due to years of "patriarchy" does'nt help anyone, it just continues the problem. Damn.
