Hi,
This is a difficult subject. Let me begin by saying that here, in my country quite literally, EVERYONE does it. The age of majority here is 18. But even before that the kids begin to drink. There is not the stigma attached to it that there is in the US. I don't think it is a good thing but it is our reality.
I also began drinking at 15. For whatever reason, I grew out of it. I just didn't want to drink after a while. If I drink one beer a month it is a lot. No hard stuff either.
My son is (sort of) a Mormon, his mother's doing, not mine. He went through a lot of moral changes when he joined them and I have always supported the moral improvement. He view drinking as a sin but recently he has been doing it. He live with me now. When he was with his mother, he had almost no restrictions. He came and went as he pleased. That is also normal here.
That doesn't fly with me. He at least asks my permission to go out. I know his friends (most of them) and take some comfort in knowing who he is with. I have continued to be very involved in his life and schooling and laid down a lot of restrictions on bedtime, etc. He has recently finished high school. That was a major goal.
He knows I am very concerned with what he does and who he sees. But he has often reminded me that "I am a man now" and he has the legal right to do as he pleases. I think most 18 year olds feel that way no matter what the law is.
I could lay down the law and tell him "my way or the highway". However, that road leads to him returning to his mother's house and having absolutely no restrictions. At least having him with me, we can relate on a man-to-man basis. This gives me leveredge in trying to influence him to do right.
You said:
he swore he wouldn't drink anymore and then I find out he has been doing it all along. I don't even know where he is at this moment. I know he will be back. We both told each other we love one another but I am just scared to death he will continue drinking and ruin his life.
As it is said, they will do what they are determined to do no matter what we say. My best leveredge is love. On the few times he has come home drunk, I haven't yelled or argued with him. Therefore, he comes home. When he comes in, I simply tell him we will talk about it tomorrow when he is sober. He often cries because he knows I love him and it hurts to see him doing something so self-destructive. He has even confided things in me that he normally would not. I don't hold things against him.
The next day, we talk more. I don't try to make him feel worse. He will ask me if I am disappointed in him. I tell him yes but no matter what, I love him.
He is actually getting over it. He does drink with his friends but is fairly moderate. He is 19 now and I know that he is going to be a very good man. He will now even discuss Christianity with me now (he always initiates the conversation) and I think he is seeing the falsehood of the teachings of the LDS. I have shared with him some of the things I see on this board and make observations that he knows apply to the Mormons. I refuse to fight with him about religion or his drinking. I try to set a good example of behavior and being a loving father. There is so little of both here in Mexico.
Your circumstances and your son are different. I cant tell you what you should do. I do suggest, however, that you might try not being confrontational and let your son feel that he has a lot of responsability in his own development now. I've found that being supportive works in my case. Anything that my son perceives as nagging causes an automatic shut-down in him. Listening to him has had a very good effect.
Bottom line is, he IS going to do whatever he likes either openly (where I can have some influence) or secretly (where the only influence will be his peers). I prefer the first option.
BTW, I am not at all liberal in my thinking or in my ideas on child-rearing. But I am a realist. I have to believe that my influence is better and will have a better long-range effect on my son than the alternative peers only model that will be the case if he goes somewhere else.
We must teach our youths to think for themselves and then stand back at some point and let them do it. I cant remove every rock from my son's path. I want to but know that will be counter-productive to his development as a man. Sometimes we have to let them make mistakes.
Calling the cops is a plan but I think the state is a very poor teacher. They seem to do more damage than good to kids in their care. I think I can be more loving and set a better example. If I were to let the cops get involved with my son here there is a very real danger that he will die. That is not an option I am willing to consider. So, I have opted for being a little more patient. Not tolerant, just patient.
I wish you the best. There is a lot of good advice here. Sift through all of the posts and find the things that will fit your circumstances.
Best Wishes,
Marcos
