I need advise please (page 3)

bikerchic

((((((((Lilacs)))))))

I know too well how hard this is for you right now. I promise you things will get better.....take a deep breath and know that no matter what, your son knows you love him and whatever else happens from here on out that is something he needs to trust in is your unconditional love.

You need to set up your own peramiters (sp) and decide what you will and what you won't tollerate. What you can and what you can't do to help him get through this. To do this you may need to edducate yourself in just what you are dealing with, get informed, don't panic he's not a goner at this point and no amount of argueing with him is going to change anything now. Just read, get informed mabye go to Al-annon meetings, you do have younger children who will be facing the same problems in the future.

Funchback has given you some good places to start. You can also go to your local library and check out some books on the subjects. One thing you may really want to consider is material on Co-dependancy. Melody Beaty has some good books out that I recomend, one is Co Dependant No More and another really good one is Letting Go.

Here is another web sight for you:

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/default/en_about.cfm

I hope this helps and my email is always open if you need to ask me any questions I'll be glad to help you as best as I can and if nothing else I'm a good shoulder and have big ears! Remember deep breath, all is NOT lost!

(((((((((((((hugs!)))))))))))))

Katie

WildHorses

Hi Marcos,

You said Calling the cops is a plan but I think the state is a very poor teacher.

The only reason I would call this officer is because he is a good friend of mine and he has offered good advise to me before. I wasn't planning on having them come and take my son away.

I know that I shouldn't allow my anger to get the best of me. I'm really not as angry with him as I am with the so called ADULTS who are supplying the alcohol. I guess I took it out on him because I knew where he was and I don't know who it is that is giving it to him.

I will take your advise and talk to him. I may even ask him some of the same questions you ask you son.

Thank you

WildHorses

Darn Katie, seems I have a knack for keeping you posting. LOL

I may just take you up on your offer. No better place to turn than to someone whos been there themself.

Thanks, Shari

Marcos

Lilacs,

I was writing my last post while you posted. I didn't see your other post.

Is your son Mexican? Having lived for so long in Mexico even as a young child might really have a lot to do with his attitude even if he is not Mexican.

It is not an excuse for anything but might explain some things. If he is Mexican, I can tell you that a letter and a lot of talking will probably not have too much effect. He undoubtedly already knows how you feel.

If he sees you as being a nag (sorry, I'm sure youre not, but HE might see it that way) he will probably turn off to what you say. Perhaps stating your feelings and then remaining silent will work better. I don't mean a cold silence. I mean talking to him occasionally as things come up. I mean praising the good things he does and telling how much you love him and are proud of his good qualities. We guys all love that.

I know you will read this post. What works for me will not necessarily work for you. You know your son and you know your circumstances. Perhaps some of what I have told you will be of some use. You are welcome to e-mail me if you wish.

I also hope that other posters realize that my son and I are from another culture. We don't share all of the same taboos or circumstances as posters in first-world countries. That is to say many things that are acceptable here are not "over there". Moreover, many things that are ok in the US and Canada don't go over here at all. I only hope that some of my experiences will be of use.

Warmest Regards,

Marcos

WildHorses

Yes, Marcos, my son is half Mexican. His father is from Cheran Micohcan. I've been to Mexico twice and I know, they will serve beer to kids over there. I've seen it with my own eyes. Dads will sometimes send there small children to the cantina to get them beer.

If he sees you as being a nag (sorry, I'm sure youre not, but HE might see it that way)

I try not to be, but hey, I am a mom. We seem to be good for that.

Marcos

Hi again Lilacs

I know that I shouldn't allow my anger to get the best of me.

Yes, this is a biggie. When I have waited for my son to come home and he comes in a 4:30 am (that is also normal among kids here) it is a MAJOR effort not to be screaming mad at him. But, I still look at him and can see the "little boy". I just want him to be ok. Drives me nuts.

I know that you wouldn't have your son hauled away ! I'm just paranoid about cops. They are, on the whole, good people in the US. But, and I do not exaggerate, here the term "good cop" is an oxymoron. I'm not being funny. Especially here in my state, Chiapas, they torture people who can't fight back (like local citizens and Central American illegals). Not so in the US and Canada as far as I know.

I've known a lot of good and helpful cops in the US and think that your son might actually relate well to your friend.

Wow, 1 am here! I've gotta go to bed sometime.

Stay in touch,

Marcos

Wow! Our own private thread! Joke.

Edited by - marcos on 21 December 2002 2:32:42

WildHorses

Chiapas

Where exactly is that? I almost ran over and man lying in the road in Saltio.(not sure if I spelled that correctly) I surved and luckly missed him. I didn't stop because my brother in law said you can never be sure if it is someone playing dead to get you to stop and then rob or even kill you.

here the term "good cop" is an oxymoron

Not sure about the cops there, but I could tell you a story about me and the imagration there in Mexico.

Edited by - Lilacs on 21 December 2002 2:37:58

bikerchic

Shari yeah that's one way to keep me on the stats!

Seriously, I really hope you understand that I have been there done that raising five kids and if there is one thing I know is that you can't control them by the time they are in their late teens they are going to do their thing........whatever that is! The best thing you can do is get informed, set boundries for your own sanity and the sake of your other kids.

In honesty as Marco said he may just be acting out and will get over it in time. It's in the between time you need to learn how to detach from all the emotional stuff and get real with him, being firm yet loving. It's a fine line but a very workable one and one he will respond to better than the "mothering" stuff.

I think you are on the right tract to let the adults who are suplying him know they will be held responsible to the letter of the law for it.

Anyway, keep calm. I promise things will be fine and in a few years you will both look back on this as just one of the speed bumps on the road of life.

Take care!

Katie

FrankyFourVests

It is too late. He is old enough to do what he wants to do. You are only self defeating yourelf by now.

WildHorses

FFV, not in the USA. The legal age for drinking here is 21.

I need advise please

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