I need advise please

by WildHorses 45 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Solace

  Shari,

  Im so sorry you are going through this right now.

  Alcoholism also runs in my family. My entire JW family seems to abuse some type of substance, be it alchohol, prescribed drugs, you name it. Maybe to get past the guilt, who knows. My grandfather drank and had to cut it out all together in order to get a handle on it. My uncle was recently in the hospital because he was bleeding out. His liver is only partially functioning and his blood count was down to six. The Dr.s were amazed he was still living. He refused a blood transfusion, of course but accepted some expanders etc. He continues to drink and slowly kill himself.

  Most alcoholics cant have just one drink. Once they start drinking, they cant stop so its best to cut it out all together.

  Programs with therapy exist for this type of abuse. Unfortionatly, the alcoholic doesnt usually participate until they have been caught numerous times by the authorities and they are given the choice of either that or jailtime. Sometimes their employer will give the alcoholic a push and even pay for the program if they cooperate.

  Hes so young Shari. I can only imagine how hard to have this problem and survive as a teen in this day and age.

  Maybe you could give him the link to this thread just to let him know how worried you are.

  I really wish I could be of some help. So many things are so big and scary for us to take on. Sometimes maybe they should be handled by professionals.

  Take Care Shari, You are such a sweetheart.

  I wish only the best for you and your son.
• 

  waiting

  Reading fast here - congratulations to ALL the parents who survive teenagers. Damn It! We deserve a ((((((((((((((((((((((((((Big Group Hug))))))))))))))))))))))))!!!!!

  Lilacs, you know a policeman? Great - get him to give the kid a guided tour through the morgue (as was suggested) and also the county jail. It works - my then-15 yr old got the jail tour.

  But that same boy didn't get the drinking part. At 19, he was out drinking/dancing etc., broke up with his girlfriend.....and got knifed across his right arm, cutting the tendons (he being right handed). After emergency room, therapy, etc., - he seemed to get the message. But he could have lost total usage of his right hand. The fool.

  My other son has done much the same - and worse - in college. He's still dealing with the residual effects and is almost 28. Therapy helps him & is provided by the college.

  Btw, it runs in my family & my husband's. Like me, straight from our hard-drinking parents, to first husbands who did the same. lol - textbook

  My sister said something wise a while back (as she's wont to do)...."We raise our children. We can't prophesy how they'll turn out."

  Patio's had to go through more with her kids (she had more of 'em) and would be a good person to talk with. Not perfect - but she learned a lot along the way with raising 4 kids alone in Southern California.

  waiting
• 

  WildHorses

  Thanks for all the advise guys. No, Steven does not have a license. He was behind a grade in school and so he didn't get his permit until he was 17. And to tell the truth, with all this drinking, I am not adding him to my insurance. He has his own car but he can't drive it until he has insurance. So, until he can come up with the $500 it cost for six months insurance, I don't have to worry about him driving drunk.

  I still haven't said anything else to him. I have't got the words. I'll wait until I get home from work tonight. (If he hasn't been drinking again).

  All I've done since last night is think. I will give it till nonight when I have time to write that letter. Every time I try to talk to him he gets an attitude with me.

  Shari
• 

  AGuest

  What you CAN'T do:

  Stop him... or convince him to stop. It's not your "call," dear Shari, truly. That one's purely on him... I am quite sorry to say. People don't stop destructive behavior until THEY want to stop... for whatever are THEIR reasons... not because you (or someone else, even the law) are fearful for him/want him to stop. It just doesn't work that way.

  What you CAN do:

  LOVE him... to the best of your ability... and be there... when he stops... without reservation. Taking "care" of him, however, won't work. It just makes it easier. True, you don't want your baby to freeze out in the cold, but a warm blanket, rather than a invitation back into a warm bed... might serve to "wake him up" quicker. You may not be at that drastic of a point yet, but if you get there...

  Also, keep your car keys near you, because lack of driver's license has never stopped anyone who wanted to drive from doing so... particularly teenagers... whether they drink, do drugs, or not. When a young wants to go, they find a way.

  Please, if he was your son, what would you say to him?

  I would secretly pack his/her stuff, take it outside, then invite him/her outside, look him/her straight in the eye and say:

  "You know I love you, don't you? No, seriously, don't tell me what you think I want to hear... tell me the truth: you KNOW this, yes?"

  If the answer is "yes", then I would say:

  "Well, because of that love... I can't watch this. I cannot sit back and watch someone I love this much... self destruct like this. It will kill me... and I can't help you if I'm dead. So, you're either gonna have to stop... or stay away. 'Cause I won't watch it. I can't. You want to live your life and do your thing... cool. I understand that. Who doesn't? But I love you... and I won't help make it easy for you to harm yourself. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I'd done that. So, here's your things... go for it. Live your life. But if you decide to come back in the house... you leave your problem outside. Get help, fine, do whatever... but I don't ever want to see it again."

  If the answer is "no", then I would say:

  "Well, I do. And if I haven't shown it enough, tell me what I need to do so that you DO know it. In the meantime, this thing that you're doing... I can't watch it. I cannot sit back and watch someone I love this much... self destruct like this. It will kill me... and I can't help you if I'm dead. So, you're either gonna have to stop... or stay away. 'Cause I won't watch it. I can't. You want to live your life and do your thing... cool. I understand that. Who doesn't? But I love you... and I won't help make it easy for you to harm yourself. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I'd done that. So, here's your things... go for it. Live your life. But if you decide to come back in the house... you leave your problem outside. Get help, fine, do whatever... but I don't ever want to see it again."

  And then I would walk back into my house... and shut the door.

  And if they come back in, I would hug them and cry with them... and thank them for that decision... and ask them what I can do to help. Then I would thank JAH.

  If they did not come back... I would go into my room, approach JAH... and ask Him to let my Lord carry this burden for me... and put it is his hands.

  Have I thrown my child out? No... I have simply given him/her a CHOICE... and it is entirely up to him/her to make it. And THIS would be, for them, the true beginning of being an "adult", one responsible for oneself.

  I hope this helps, my dear, dear Shari. My love... and prayers for peace in your household... to you!

  Your servant, and a slave of Christ,

  Shel
• 

  Mum

  Lilacs, I am so sorry about what you're going through. I hope you'll go to Al-Anon ASAP and get some help. I used to go when I was married to an alcoholic, and it's all that kept me sane.

  First, as someone else pointed out, persuasion, the best arguments, reason will not work with an alcoholic. It is not possible to talk someone out of drinking if they have "the big thirst."

  Apparently there have been some studies showing that alcoholics have different brain chemistry than non-alcoholics. Brain scans of alcoholics look different from brain scans of non-addicted individuals. There is a chemical in the brains of alcoholics (I think it's abbreviated as THC) which causes them to have an intense craving for alcohol.

  This is not a moral issue, a character issue, or a philosophical issue. (Your son is not "weak" any more than a person with any disease is "weak.") It is an issue of addiction. Your son needs help, counseling, AA. If he refuses the help he needs, you need to go to Al-Anon and learn to take care of yourself.

  Please don't let this situation ruin your life. As they say at Al-Anon, "keep coming back" when you need some support.
• 

  xenawarrior

  ((((((((((((((Shari))))))))))))))

  One of the things they say about alcoholism is that until the person with the problem hits bottom (theirs, not yours) they will do nothing to change their life. Unfortunately, for many, they are using alcohol to hide from or kill the pain of their underlying problems so "bottom" is a very low place and many never find it. The consequences of their actions and behaviors are never bad enough to affect any lasting change.

  You may get nowhere trying to talk to him about what he is doing to himself. At 18 years old we all feel pretty invincible. The only way he's going to see how destructive his behavior is - is to have the affects of it cause a great deal of discomfort for him.

  If he is living in your home, you have a right to set boundaries. To protect yourself from the angst this is causing you and to draw a line for him about what type of behavior will be accepted by you in your home and what will not. But in order for those boundaries to work, you must define them very clearly to him and then enforce them consistently. And yes, if he can't follow the rules and boundaries set up in your household, eventually the consequences may be him needing to find another place to be. Sounds awfully mean doesn't it? It's really not in the long run. Right now, as it stands the consequences of his behavior may not be any big deal to him. So he goes out and gets drunk and comes home. Yeah, Mom is mad as hell and he's got a massive headache and maybe even puked his guts out but all of that passes and he's back at it again. Short lived pain for him no doubt and major anxiety for you.

  You might want to also see if you are enabling him in any way. Do you help him out of the consequences of his choices, even something as small as getting him an aspirin for his hangover? You may want to look at those kinds of things and stop altogether. If he gets himself into something because of his drinking, he can get himself out all by himself. And maybe eventually if he wants to continue to make those choices, he can live in an apartment on his own and see what it's like to have to make life choices and still choose to drink.

  Drinking is for adults. And there is such a thing as drinking responsibly. He is legally an adult for many things but it's still not legal for him to drink until he's 21. He is choosing to do that. Maybe he needs to take on all the responsibilities of being an adult then, having a job, paying rent, the phone bill buying groceries etc. It is quite hard to sustain all of that and still make the choice to party the way he is choosing to. If this is something with him that is truly a problem and is getting out of hand and getting in the way of his life, maybe his life needs to be turned over to him to take care of and see how the choices he is making are affecting it.

  This might sound harsh and I would only suggest this if the situation is harsh. And it is possible to do this and have him still understand that you love him. It's not unloving to expect our children to be responsible for their own actions and behaviors. It's one of our jobs as parents and this is one of the toughest jobs there is. Sometimes tough love is called for and there are many of us out there as adults now who thank our parents for having given us a dose of it along the way.

  Shari, you said that you don't want to drive a wedge between the two of you. Please don't let that feeling place you in a position where you are walking on eggshells with the situation. It is never too late for counseling and from what you wrote about the road he's traveled, it would be a very good idea. He may not be very willing to participate in that however. Is there insurance to cover counseling for him? A friend of mine, when faced with a similar situation as yours, made counseling a condition of his son's ability to continue living under his roof. His son fought it tooth and nail but in the end he started really participating and the underlying problems were unearthed and resolved and his son is now a college senior and very much stable and happy.

  Many hugs- I hope things get better for the two of you- please keep us posted. My email is open if you ever need an ear!!

  XW