by obiwan 65 Replies latest jw experiences
Lyin', the picture of your Mom: she's beautiful - and so is her daughter.
What's nice, is that by not only posting her picture, you speak about her so compassionately and with great respect and dignity.
She does live, in our hearts and minds. I'm sure she's extremely proud of her amazing and wonderful daughter.
Thanks for sharing Mom with us, she's adorable.
Good Lord. You are the very spitting image of your mother. An exact copy. It's uncanny.
Won't your mother be so surprised when she awakens in the presence of The Master?
francois
Not only did my best friend end up in a depression which resilted in a head on collision with a lorry (suspected suicide) but I am the person who personally knew the two Witnesses who recently made headlines by having assisted suicide in Scandanavia, travelling from the UK. I know other stories aswell. This is a big issue.
Dede, I just had to tell you, I was looking at your mom's picture when my (almost) 5 year old daughter walked by and said "Oh she's beautiful, who is she?". I told her she was your mom and pointed to your picture. Thanks for sharing, your story touches all our hearts.
Rachel
Thank you for the warm replies and the wonderful things you have said about my mother. I wonder if she knows what wonderful people you all are, if she can read what is being said here..... I just don't know , but I want to believe she is in a better place and giving me the peace that I have wanted so long since she left me.
When I was a JW I was so torn up over it all for so many years. When I left the borg,,,,,,,, a peace came over me,,,,,,I dont know what that means but I know I feel differently than I did before.
I tell her story , not just for myself, and not just for her,,,,, but to help those who have also lost their loved ones, friends to suicide. It is a terrible cult related issue IMO. And the word needs to get out and the voices that can not speak for themselves anymore need to be heard.
I know there are many here who are just making their way out of the JW's and are having a hard time finding their place and I know there are alot of depressed confused people right here on this site, and if telling her story would help them in anyway,,,,,,,,,, I know she would be pleased. That was the kind of person she was.
Thank you all for being the kind of people that show true love and compassion for someone you never knew........ it mean the world to me and is a great comfort to me.
All my love and thanks,,,,,,,,,, Dede
For everyone who posted losses on here.....HUGS..... ! This is a rampant problem in the organization. One sister in a nearby congregation was an elders wife for many years. She had some emotional problems but always tried her best. She ended up committing suicide in 1982. My ex has tried to commit suicide on more than 8 occasions. In many many cases, I feel, witnesses have that feeling that they can never do enough. My ex would be far from spiritually uplifted when the circuit overseer came. When he did come....the pioneers are put on a high pedestal and everyone else is considered weak or whatever. She would nosedive into a major depression right after his visit. Some, I believe, feel deep down, or even subcounsciously that they will never make it to the "new system". Another subconscious theme is the repressing of anguish over the "eventuality" of armageddon. Billions slaughtered, children, babies, the elderly, along with rest of the non-witness world. This certainly makes for a frame of mind that is conducive to depression, hopelessness etc. So many that hve committed suicide because they slipped up in their conduct and couldnt face a judicial committee. The one elders wife that I mentioned in the begining had her name besmirched. They said..."oh the apostates must have gotten a hold of her". Nothing about the years of selfless service. Nothing about the years and years of being a wonderful mother. It is amazing how this is so prevalent and yet they advertise that they are the happiest people on the fast of the earth. If that is happiness...give me the opposite. ......................................Taz
when a brother commited suicide it was the first time i experienced suicide with in the congregation.
found my self asking all sorts of questions like where does the bible say a person who suicides is dammed. when i couldnt find it in the bible i talked to a elder about it the reply i got was that he the brother in question was ill and the illness probably made his mind unstable .i wondered about him alot and why we had to assume it was prob the illness that effected his mind.it was like we had to make an excuse for him like it was unthinkable that any witness would have a reason or excuse to kill himself.no one mentioned his pain or what he must have gone throuhg to get to that point. it was all mediacally explainable (well thats what they said) so that must be the answer.and we didnt have to look beyond that point.i wondered where the emotion had gone to .how can we have all this love but not try to understand his pain.how can we help other ppl if we dont face it.
i asked even more brothers and sisters and the answer i got from them was generally the same , if a person commits suicde its lack of faith and they have given up on jehovah.jehovah never gives anyone more than they can bare so obvioulsy they are not relying on jehavah .
what a guilt trip ,prob is when your that low your in to much pain you just want relief.the reasoning on suicide just helps to compound the guilt i would think.
ive talked to 3 ppl(not witnesses) who have over dosed. all were in to much mental pain and just wanted relief once they started to talk talk and talk about how they felt and what was on thier minds.and to know they wouldnt be judged or condemed all three managed to take back their lives and get betteri wonder how many JW's feel able to talk about suicidal feelings?
there are many things i felt i could not mention.with out someone frowning at me in a reproving manor.
i suspect jesus woruld have a lot more mercy any human would know
Dede, your story is about the saddest thing I've ever heard. Your poor mama, ..............what she must have went through...............gracious. She was a little older than Rachel (Princess) and that brings it all home to me.
What happened to your father? Do you still see him? That would be hard I would think.
((((((((Lyineyes))))))))))
Your mother was just so beautiful...just as you are, I am so sorry. Every time I think about your story words fail me.
You said:
And the word needs to get out and the voices that can not speak for themselves anymore need to be heard.
That is so true. That's why I posted about my friend Drew, and about the pioneer I idolized in my teens who committed suicide. It's a disease in the organization, and it's killing more people every day. It has to stop.
When I have my worst of all possible days now, and I don't know if I can take one more thing, I think of you, and that I don't want to put my daughter through the pain you've been through. Who knows how many others you have helped this way as well...
Thank you for telling her story and yours. You are loved here.
essie
Mulan,,,,,,,,,,I can tell you even worse horror stories of my dad. He is still a JW, trying so hard to wait patiently on Jehovah so he can be an elder again. It has been 18 years since my mom died, and he can never be an elder again because of the scandle. When my mom had her last overdose, she was carrying on an affair with a much younger sister, only 8 years older than me. Mom was actually moved to a rehab center for over a month, and he had this woman at our home, upstairs in my mothers bedroom.My sister and I came back home because we left something and found them. He didnt explain except that this sister " needed counsel" and was going thru a hard time. But we knew he was up to something for months. I wanted to kill them both, but my relationship with my dad was one of fear and he used his power and control over me, and continued his reign of terror and fear over me until two years ago. I have done alot of soul searching and remembering and just after leaving the borg, admitted to myself that he was abusive in some of the worst kinds of ways,,,,,,,not only physically but emotionally as well.
When Mama died, the sister he was with and I hated each other and I can tell you that hate runs even deeper now. For years she made me feel unwelcome, was a snot,,,,,,, just trying to omit the real word I want to call her. But I tried, for 17 years I tried to go visist my dad , have a relationship, I confronted him on our relationship.....literally begging for his love and for him to have something to do with my children, his grandchildren. But he as always was busy living in his mansion, pioneering , helping the others in the congregation by working on their homes , and basically giving me a token phone call everyonce in awhile. He usually called right before a circuit assembly , because we live an hour from each other , and wanted to make it like we were close to all the friends in the circuit. I played along and usually we would go out to eat afterwards.
I am sure he holds some kind of grudge to me over my very exsistance because I am my mother's daughter, someone he wanted to sweep under the carpet and forget about. And he wanted to forget that he was my father and ignored my younger sister as well. It was harder to ignore me because I was a faithful JW, and elders wife. He was trying so hard to regain the position he has as an elder , and there were many times CO's thru the years would call me into a meeting to question me on what happened to my mom. Without saying the whole story, let's just say that he was questioned and in the minds of many , he was thought to have a hand in my mother's death. Even thou it was most likely a suicide, there were circumstances that pointed to him benefitting from her death,,,,,,,,, a large life insurance policy, my inheritance when she died, was a large sum,,,,, somehow he tricked me into signing that way,,,,,,,,,, I never saw a dime from anything that was my mothers, and he never tried to help me out when I was so young when he had more than anyone in the way of material things.
I guess I know he thought I didnt deserve anything, it was all his. I lived with that, and I still loved him.
But I guess that is one small thing the JW elders and CO have right, not to let him be an elder again, because the scandle has never died . The thing about him being " being reproach " hangs over his head till this day.
We don't know what part he had in my mother's death, but he was one of the last one to talk to her face to face the night she died. And I know how he talks, he condemns , he can make you feel so quilty and worthless that you want to die. I personally think he knew this and drove my mother to suicide , he even had his lover with him at my mother's apartment that night.
The last time I talked to my dad was right before a circuit assembly 2 years ago, he knew I wasnt goingt to meetings and personally came to my sister's job who is d/a. He told her to her face she was dead. He took me outside and said he already lost one daughter and didnt want to loose another. THen he started comparing himself to King David,,,,,,,and all the tragedy in his life and how he was so much like David and how God had a special purpose for him.
I didnt know if he was in a round about way confessing about something to do with my mom's death,,,,, the scriptures he used where very strange........but , I told him I wasnt going to the assembly.
When he left I told him I didnt beleive anymore that everyone in the world but JW's would die . He finallly took his leave and that was the last time I saw him.
I know one day I will know the whole truth of what my father's part in my mom's death was. I know enough from things he did to my mother and can just imagine what he said to her the night she died . If he didnt drive her to the bridge she jumped from, and encourage her to just do it,,,,,,, she often threatened suicide,,,,,,,,, he probably, told her she was a worthless person who would never get off drugs, ( she was off) and that Jehovah would never forgive her.. That is an evil person.......and I hate him for it, I hate him for the years of abuse he put on my mom, me and my sister. He has alot to answer for one day, and I hope I am there to see it all.
Ghost of Esmerelda........ I am glad telling this stories helps others that may be thinking of suicide , even just those fleeting moments of thinking of it,,,,,,,,, because after 18 years , I still need my mother. I missed her at every one of my childrens births , their milestones, my sad times that I needed her and she wasnt there. There is no time frame that one day I will stop thinking of her everyday, or needing her or being so angry that she is gone and the way things happened for her.
I just tell everyone, including myself that life is good and fight to live and be strong and tell all those who are putting you down that you are not going to let them suck the life out of you, you are worth more than that.
