The greatest of peace to you!
Please know that I... hear... you. I HAVE "tested" the inspired utterances... over and over and over again. This is not... easy... dear one: I cannot tell you how much faith my Lord has had to GIVE me... because I severely lacked in that area.
I did hear things of a "disturbing" nature very early on. Twice. I remember once, that voice (which is NOT the same as my Lord's, but sometimes seems VERY close!) telling me to harm someone who had been causing me GREAT harm. And I was well intending to do it! And at the last moment, I heard my Lord's voice, which is not that much different from the other, so that I had to listen CAREFULLY... say to me, "This is not YOU, child! You would not do such a thing - do NOT listen!" And he was RIGHT!
But to help you understand a bit more where I am coming from... I will tell you of one incident where my Lord spoke to me. It was this past Friday, in downtown San Francisco:
I was in the City, to attend an important and prestigious luncheon. As I was getting off the BART... I walked over to one of those street "port-a-potty" deals to look at the map on its wall. As I stood there, a fight broke out not 10 feet away from me: a forty-fifity something-ish black lady... and an early 20s-ish white man were fighting over one of them's prolonged use of the toilet. Both looked pretty "dangerous"... the man looking "homeless"... the woman looking to be from the "Tenderloin"... a VERY dangerous part of San Francisco. Anyone who lives in this area can attest to that!
As the argument got quite heated, I'm thinkin'... "Aw, dang! Why do folks always have to act up?" But, I had somewhere to go, so... But the next thing I knew, the woman pulled out a knife. Now, let me explain this knife: it was BIG. Humongous. It was one of those "hi-tech" looking jobs... all stainless steel... with a long, curved, super-pointy blade with holes in it, with teeth toward the bottom. She hit the button and that blade snapped out, and I thought, "Oh, crud... somebody's gonna die!" I mean, people... scattered!! Me? I walked as slowly... and quietly... as I could... toward the cable car office. I had an important meeting to attend... people to meet there... and having my day start with the vision of someone being gutted right there on the street... uh-uh... not me: I was NOT going to stand around and capture that picture. I did NOT want to even see it, 'cause what I DIDN'T see... and therefore, didn't KNOW... wouldn't hurt me. I didn't want to answer any questions... give any statements... or have any graphic visuals invading my mind and heart.
So, I'm standing there at the ticket window... and as I get my little $2 cable car ticket... the noise got louder: the guy's friend was crying... LOUDLY... saying, "Please, people, PLEASE... why do you have to DO this?! STOP it! Please!!" He was pitiful! But... not my problem! Sooooo... I turn away from the window and was JUST about to step toward the line of folks waiting for the cable car... when my Lord says, "Where are you going?"
Now, I'm like... "Ummmm... I'm going to get on the cable car and go to my meeting!" To which he says, "You're not going to stop the fight?" And I'm like, "HECK no! That woman has a KNIFE! A... BIG knife! How in the world can I stop her? If she's gonna cut him, she's gonna cut him! What if she cuts ME?! What if she kills ME?!" By this time, I am shaking... because... I knew he wasn't going to drop the subject. He did not drop the subject. He said, "What are you afraid of? Did I not train you for this? You know how to do this... think back on all of the other times... was I not WITH you?"
Now, I cannot recount for you all of the "other" times, but I have to say there were many. In my line of work... for the past almost 20 years, I have managed/supervised low-income housing projects... well, it happens from time to time. It SHOULDN'T... and it does depend on where you ARE... but it happens. Gangs violence, domestic violence, street fights, etc. So, he was right, I had done it before... many times. But... I was in my 20-30s then... and much more... ummmm... shall we say... brave... bold... naive... and not so aware of my "mortality." I am now at an age (43) where I truly want NO "drama"... none at all. Which is why I changed careers for a while.
Anyway, he asks, "Well, aren't you going to stop it?" to which I groaned inside, but somehow found my way slowly sliding back over toward the fighters. I did NOT want to go! "But what am I going to say?" I asked him... "and how do I know she won't turn on me? People DO that... turn on the people just trying to help? How do I know she won't turn on ME and say, "B! Mind your own f-in business!! I mean, that happens... people DO that (especially black women - I KNOW this, because I AM one!)... what if she kills ME?!!!"
And he... laughed. I'm not kidding. He laughed. Then he said, "She won't kill you. She WANTS someone to stop her... and you're the only one around. No one else cares and no one else will take the risk. You're the only one... and YOU care, don't you? I am with you; don't be afraid. Go, help her."
So... I reached the woman... and I walked up... and I touched her on her sleeve... and she wheeled around! Oh, LORDY!! And I just started talking. I said:
"My sister... you don't have to do this. You don't have to let these people take you where you don't want to go. You have everyone's attention. Look around. See? They all see you and they all see you don't want to be messed with."
I said some more things... but what resulted BLEW ME AWAY: She said... "THANK YOU! I am SO sorry, you're right... thank you! It's just that they were f-ing with me and I am SO tired. But you're right... THANK you...."
And then... she grabbed me (with that big honkin' knife still open in her hand!!!!!!!)... and gave me the tightest hug I think she could muster! She said, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." and then remembered the knife... which she closed. When she let me go... she was smiling. We hugged again... and then I walked away. And as I walked away, do you know what my Lord said?
"See? Now what were you afraid of? I am here."
So, now, DJ... and all you others... I ask you: what would you have me DO? Had I ignored the voice... someone could be dead. Maybe more than one someone. And another someone could be sitting, rotting, in jail. Maybe more than one someone. And such a thing may still come to pass - I don't know. All I DO know is that on FRIDAY, June 20, 2003, around 9:30am at Powell and Market in San Francisco, CA... NO ONE died and NO ONE went to jail... because a voice told me that I knew what to do... and I obeyed it.
I do not care... whether you believe it or not. But I do bid you peace.
A slave of Christ,
SJ