well i have been feeling a bit like crap lately.
work has been very stressful and my attempts to make new friends outside of the jw's have been mostly futile. the people i work with are immature and are more interested in the latest office gossip and whose doing what than anything else. i dont fit in there as i think my experience as an exjw has made much less shallow and childish than they are and less interested in stupidity than they are. i dont care about meddling in someone elses business and spreading it around the office. it seems you cant make friends there if you choose to stay neutral of the back stabbing and gossiping and personally i just dont want to be involved in that kind of behavior.
so i join a writing group thinking that perhaps i can make friends in a group of people who share a similar interest. unfortunately, they are not so intersted in being friends at all. they are only interested in staring at and ignoring me. I am not the kind of person that usually is part of their community as it seems. living in a well to do neighborhood isnt all its cracked up to be it seems. i've shared my experiences and tried to strike up conversations but mostly i get one word answers and lack of interest. It makes me feel like crap to try being friends with someone who doesnt want anything to do with me.
So I dont really know what else to do . Except I know that I cant continue on alone. I miss my family and the friends I had back in my home town. I start to wonder if there is any way they will have a little heart and take me back.
So I make the mistake of calling my sister. I tell her that I am sad to the point that I dont know what to do. I would be ok if I just had someone to talk to about life every once in a while. Just one friend to vent to when I have a bad day at work or to share kid stories. I would like to just talk like we used to and maybe exchange stories about our kids who are about the same age. I promise I will never say anything against the jw religion or say anything that she would consider wrong. I am in tears when she tells me she cannot talk to me and doesnt want me to call again...EVER. I can hear my little nephew in the background and I wonder what he looks like these days. I havent seen him since my grandma died a year ago.
Sometimes it seems impossible that my life can truly be this lonely. I really dont understand it. I am not that bad a person. I have made some mistakes but I have also done a lot of good,at least I think so. It seems like no matter what I am doomed to an existance such as I have had for most of my life. That of being alone. I dont believe in God for the most part. But at times like this I have to wonder if I have truly pissed God off from a very young age and have been doomed to live out this existance as a punishment.
If I passed away today there would be very few people at my funeral if any. I have wanted for ten years to change that and yet the fact remains... No one cares.
I just had to vent. I know it doesnt matter but heck no one else I know would even hear this out. :(
flower