Doubtfully Yours,
Do you and your husband have children?
Planning A Fade. Need Ideas
by Doubtfully Yours 46 Replies latest jw experiences
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Stacy Smith
Doubtfully Yours you sound pretty strong to me and don't for a second doubt your strength. You are going to be ok. Just get help if you need it.
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caligirl
I am so sorry you are having to do this. It is very stressful to force yourself into that situation. If you do it for long enough, the potential is there to actually develop physical symptoms due to the stress. It does stink to have to sacrifice all those you care about just to excercise your god-given free will. It sounds like you have been doing everything you can to slowly back away, and that you are not being allowed to do that. At this point, may as well go cold-turkey, IMO. My parents are still in and active, but I live accross the country, and they have long since stopped pestering me. I just barely this year told them I don't believe it, but they personally justify our ongoing relationship by the fact that we don't talk about religion ( and I doubt they could bear cutting themselves off from their grandchildren.) You seem to be strong in your convictions to leave though, and those convictions will help you through. You cannot practice what you do not believe,and you do have every right to leave it. It is unfortunate that people who cannot see through all the smoke and recognize that it is not the truth can make life so difficult.
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undercover
I have come to the conclusion that being a wife to a firm believer makes it a lot tougher to fade out than being a husband to one. According to the WTS, husbands are "head" of the family. What they decide goes. Even if the wife continues to pursue "righteousness" without the husband, she is to continue to show him respect and not go against his decisions as long as it doesn't keep her from worshipping. So if he decides to become inactive, there's not a lot she can do about it.
The wife that wants to fade, on the other hand, has to show a measure of respect and obedience, at least up to the point of not getting the elders involved. How does one become inactive, yet not displease an active husband who requests, no, requires his wife by his side at all WTS functions?
I've read many posts about how women are treated as inferior in the organization. I've never really given it much thought, but your post made me think. Attempting the slow fade myself, I put myself in your shoes to see how I would deal with it, and I must admit, I was at a loss. I'm sorry that I don't have any answers. I do feel for you, and I hope that some of the women here can give you some ideas.
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acsot
A super-dub who works here with me (friends with the GB, former missionary, you get the picture), thinks I am in good standing (different congregation, different circuit), so she tells me all about all the stuff that's going on with the "friends". She went to visit a very dear friend of hers who used to pioneer and if my memory serves me correctly was also in circuit work or was a missionary.
Well, this poor JW now has those environmental allergies where everything makes you sick, carpet cleaners, perfume, varnish, regular soap, laundry detergent, etc. So she can't get to any meetings, poor thing, (because of all the toxins in the carpets, the perfume smells, men's cologne, even the soap in the bathrooms) so she listens over the phone. Whether or not she actually listens is anyone's guess. My mother has the same hook-up and once you're plugged into the KH audio system no one knows if you're on the line or not, you could just hang up and no one's any the wiser, or just leave the phone off the hook and do something else.
You could work your way into becoming allergic to all kinds of stuff. This may entail keeping a stock of hypo-allergenic, non-perfumed soap and detergent and stuff around the house. Even if the dubs visit you, you can start sneezing, coughing, whatever. When my JW work mate visited her friend, she had to first of all use non-perfumed shampoo and soap for a couple of days before going to her friend's house, because any whiff of any kind would cause her friend to start sneezing and get asthma-like symptons. (being the horrible apostate that I am, I wondered to myself if it were really true or was it this woman's way of doing the fade?)
If you can fake it, then over a period of a few months you could slowly become allergic. Maybe make an appointment with a doctor or herbalist (just to show that you're trying to figure out what the heck the problem is).
It may cost you a few bottles of detergent, shampoo, some bars of soap, some cleaning supplies, but it's a small price to pay in exchange for freedom from the meetings.
Just a thought.
Keep us posted.
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Doubtfully Yours
No children. Health concerns on my part.
This is one of the reasons my husband wants to pursue bigger things in the Org, but I just CAN'T live the lie anymore.
Previously in this board I bragged about having the time of my life living a double life, and for that I'm truly sorry; but, as you all know, it sooner or later comes to an end and for me it has. Mentally I can't handle it much longer. Lately, almost everything bothers me in this religious organization.
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cruzanheart
Migraines are a wonderful excuse -- no one can tell you that you DON'T have one, and you can tell him that lights and any little noise hurts your eyes so you have to stay home, sorry, honey. Little by little you can build up the story, even saying that your doctor has told you that large crowds of people are a problem for you and trigger the headaches (this won't work if he checks up on you with your doctor, unless you can get the doc on your side). You can meekly ask for a telephone hookup at the house so you won't miss the meetings and then put on your headphones, listen to a little Rage Against The Machine or Beethoven or whatever you like, and read a good book for two hours.
I guess I was lucky in that Big Tex was already out and just waiting for me to join him. I merely told the congregation secretary that I was changing congregations and to send our cards to the neighboring congregation, and just never went. That was over a year ago and after three halfhearted phone calls I've been completely left alone.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Nina
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Stephanus
Just the other day my husband in so many words told me that we got married by the Organization and if I told him I wanted nothing with the Organization then that would be pretty much the end of our marriage. Bear in mind that I love this man very much, and he's an excellent husband except for the fact that he's into this religion big time and wants bigger participation.
Sounds more like he's married TO the org, rather than by it. That "you're my wife and you're here to make me look good" shit makes me sick!
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Doubtfully Yours
Stephanus,
You should see the terrible tantrums he throws whenever I back away from going to a meeting or to service! I mean, down right violent. The last one I feared for my safety; he got so loud and out of hand banging things that I thought he was going to hit me. And all just because I missed a Saturday service meeting and stayed at home instead cleaning my house thoroughly.
I'm fading, I tell you, this time there's no stopping me.
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IWasDuped
Doubtful,
I feel for you! I wonder if your hubby is feeling pressure from other dubs when he goes alone. The questioning looks, prying questions, ...etc. I am fading too. My spouse is on the same page as me sort of...he still goes occasionally every couple of months. I can't stomach going. Each time he is literally hijacked by elders asking where we have been. The pressure is tremendous. Fading isn't that easy...especially if you or your family used to be "high profile". Just wondering if maybe his reaction is due to pressure on him??? Still, you have a right to do what is right for you. Noone, not even a spouse, has the right to control what another human being feels and believes. Sorry you are in such a tough spot, Doubtful!