Planning A Fade. Need Ideas

by Doubtfully Yours 46 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Guest 77

  Your well aware of flashing yellow lights right? Proceed with caution!

  I wish I had the magic answer, but I don't. This sounds like a real, real, real problem. Yours is certaintly not a cut and dry case.

  My only suggestion is time and patience. You have a real mine field here and only one step at a time will prevent you and your husband from having explosive situations. Don't forget ,whenever he gets to learn the truth, his world will be affected too.

  Your in a better position to know your husband. You gotta know his strengths and weaknesses. Does he sense any difference in your attitude about him, the org, friends and about yourself? How normal can you remain without him suspecting anything? I certaintly don't envy your situation.

  If only you could go a vacation for a month, it would be a start in getting the ball rolling. You see, after coming from a vacation you would have an excuse for being different or he will notice a change in you. The very thought of him allowing you to go vacation without him, will create a guilt trip in him. He would blame himself not you for changing or being different. (Anyways, it was just a thought. It happens only in movies.)

  You have my understanding and I will be thinking of you. I wish you the best results.

  Guest 77
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  RubaDub

  You should see the terrible tantrums he throws whenever I back away from going to a meeting or to service!

  Doubtful,

  After reading your comments, I'm not completely sure fading is right for you.

  Each time you back away a little more, it may just generate more anger and tantrums.

  Maybe just drawing a line in the sand and a "I'm only going on Sundays" or something like that might be the road to take.

  It just sounds to me that the incremental fade may not be the way to go.

  ***** Rub a Dub
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  Room 215

  Doubtfully yours, shotgun,

  I can't tell you how strongly your experiences resonate with me! Add five kids into your mix, and you'll have an idea of what my struggle has been like.... hang in!
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  Doubtfully Yours

  IWasDuped,

  My husband and I were very high profile before, but then we moved and became somewhat involved in our jobs and acquiring certain material things that took up a lot of our time.

  And, yes, lately my husband has been under a great deal of pressure that we should do much more in the Org because we don't have children and have more free time than most. He's under a great deal of pressure, and he craves higher privileges in the cong and you know for that the wife has to cooperate a lot and I'm just not willing to do it anymore.

  I love him, but if having mental peace will cost me my marriage, so be it. I'm preparing to have a heart to heart talk with him which will decide what happens between us. I'm deathly afraid that I'll lose him because he really seems to care more for the Org and its people than for me.

  Darn!!!!!!!!!!!
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  undercover

  Whoa. He became violent? You felt threatened? You may love him, but that is a bad sign. He may hurt you next time. Do NOT excuse violent behavior. If it becomes worse, you need to look for other options.

  You can make his behavior work for you though. Go to the elders about his violent nature. Your "depression" is caused by his unreasonableness. Your "depression" is what keeps you from meetings and service. But be warned: If he becomes even more violent, it's time to get out. You may lose a husband who you once loved before he showed his violent side, but you'll gain not only your safety, but your freedom from having to live a double life.
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  drwtsn32

  A while back there was an excellent thread on "the art of fading" (or something to that effect). Does anyone have the link? I tried searching but didn't come up with anything useful.
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  95stormfront

  Just the other day my husband in so many words told me that we got married by the Organization and if I told him I wanted nothing with the Organization then that would be pretty much the end of our marriage.

  With thinking like that this man is not married to you, he's married to the organization. It's going to be quite hard to do any kind of fade, where the spouse, especially a male one who already relishes in the "I've got the penis" headship principle and is looking to his wife to set the proper example so that he can gain more privileges.

  Though you say you love this man dearly, I suspect you already know that if to him your marriage is primarily based upon allegiance to the organization, then it's no marriage between you two at all. It's really a shame how JWs will resort to that threat\fear tactic to impose their will on the other.
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  Double Edge

  You should see the terrible tantrums he throws whenever I back away from going to a meeting or to service! I mean, down right violent. The last one I feared for my safety; he got so loud and out of hand banging things that I thought he was going to hit me.

  Tell him your doubts come into play when he acts contrary to scripture (put the burden on him to at least treat you right). How can HE believe the borg is the TRUTH when HE acts contrary to what is taught? my 2 cents....
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  cruzanheart

  The last one I feared for my safety

  There's your answer as to what you should do. He might be a wonderful husband in some respects, but if you are scared to be around him FOR ANY REASON AT ANY TIME then there's a problem, and he's it. If he has to cling to the organization as the backbone of your marriage, then he has serious co-dependency and self-esteem issues, not to mention the "one flesh" concept is getting a little crowded if the whole congregation is in on it.

  Definitely have a talk with him. Lay it all on the line, and whatever happens will be for the best. I wish you peace, my friend.

  Nina
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  Doubtfully Yours

  Thanks all for your help. Coming here to this board once again has been like an oasis for me today.

  Just thought of a great idea!!! Right now I'll look into my Community College schedule to see if they have some classes that may interest me, one on Wednesday (meeting night) and one on Saturday morning (service meeting day).

  Or, perhaps, I'll join the local gym and go during those days, or any days I want to get out of Org stuff. How's that?!!!