I don't think anyone has posted this yet:
Planning A Fade. Need Ideas
by Doubtfully Yours 46 Replies latest jw experiences
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uriah
Aslief had some good ideas (no a life coach are you?)
The behaviour sounds like the husband has some issues - the meetings, service etc may be covering them over. The response to your not going suggests fear, to me - being there by himself, coming under scrutiny. What happens (maybe) is his stress levels rise because he knows he has to come up with excuses for your non-attendance. Your saying that you are not going tonight throws him into confusion (maybe) and the result is the tantrum. Think about it - there he is all contented to go, no stress, wifey by his side no pressure from anyone easy meeting, no hassle. You say 'not to night'. Red alert, shields up, confusion, comfort zone demolished excuse generator kicks in, scenarious flash before him - nosey old sister so and so - 'no wifey tonight then, is she all right, what's wrong...' and the like. All this passes before his eyes in a flash, brain overloads and tantrum fires up. (maybe). I think the real issue is not whether you are there or not but his handling it and the scrutiny and probing that he really does not want to face and all because you did not go to the meeting, 'why that b***ch, look what she has made me go through, not coming to the meeting'. I bet he drives fast and furious too to the hall.
I think you need to find out what the deeper issues are and plan your fade around them when you know what they are - I can see this spiralling out of control until he does hit you otherwise.
I may be totally wrong - they are only maybes
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jgnat
It sounds like your husband may be a victim of Spiritual Ambition.
http://shulamite.com/danger-spiritual_ambition.html
If he regards you as the threat to advancement, yeah, he could freak on you.
Guys, if I am WAY OFF, shut me up here. What if you went to the elders and complained that your marriage is in trouble because of your husband's spiritual ambitions, that you are feeling neglected? Not that you have to take their advice, but it might change your husband's priorities from advancement to the hall to working on your marriage.
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Doubtfully Yours
To all,
Thanks for all your posts and your great ideas.
I'm definitely married to a firm JW who's pressured by many about us being young, not having children, and therefore needing to do more, more, more all the time. Also, he had a horrible childhood and young adulthood life before the Org love-bombed him, so this is all the better life he knows. He's even told me in the past that if he leaves the Org, he'll go back to the same to type of bad life he had in the past. What a messed up reasoning!!!
I've started for some time now some non-JW friendships and activities; that will ease the gradual loss of friends due to what might be labeled 'spiritual weakness' at first. As far as money and career, that's all pretty well taken care of and I feel I can do very well on my own, if I have to.
In my previous posts, I let know how we both enjoyed a somewhat double life, but then my husband has gotten very deep guilty feelings after some talks of encouragement he's had with elders and the like. So, in turn, now he wants to really get gong-ho about the Org and I'm just not in agreement.
My fading will not be easy at all, it will be long and it may even cost me my marriage, but continuing to come here will give me the strength I need. Thanks again all.
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shotgun
Doubtfully I've sent you a couple PM's with material you might want to read, it could help you in your high pressure situation.
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asleif_dufansdottir
Aslief had some good ideas (no a life coach are you?)
Not hardly. Just an x-JW married to a guy who had really bossy dominant tendencies before he ran into the JWs (yeah, the JW years were a joy, alright). My guess is that he sees her actions as a direct challenge to his authority...he's a JW male after all...I'm sure he thinks that she should do what he wants whether she wants to or not.
I was the "unbelieving wife" for a few years before I gave up and joined. He always used to try to force me to go to meetings and get furious when I didn't...and he knew I thought the society was crap...but he thought I should believe it just because HE did. Him being the husbandly owner and decision-maker and all.
In my experience, flat-out NO and not being willing to even discuss it is the only way to handle the JW-male-petty-dictator. If you can scare 'em so much the better.
And when everybody from the hall asks you where you are...you can just sigh and look sad and be VERY VAGUE about how his attitude and behavior are just so discouraging and you just can hardly think about it without crying (just hints, remember, no specifics, although mentioning him throwing things would be good). You have family and other allies at the hall, right, so what could be better than making him afraid to pitch his little fit because then he'll be blamed for your "discouragement"... (but then I'm evil )This could even help you when it comes time to fade...he'll get the blame for stumbling you. (this might be too nasty for you...like I said, I'm evil )
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Sentinel
I really have empathy for you. Fading from the congregation is not nearly as complicated as trying to maintain a good marriage to a mate who is so much "in". You must have a heart to heart with him and lay the cards on the table. Sometimes a mate is only doing what they feel they have to, in order to please their other half. Maybe he has different feelings deep down inside, and when you talk this out, you might discover that he is totally understanding.
Well, I obviously wrote the above without reading your other post about how really "into the JW thing" he is. Let the decision be his after you are truthful and present the facts. You can only do so much. If he rejects you and the marriage, that says a lot about who he is, and I don't think you want someone that controlling in your life. He could be running scared--thus he feels empowered to "threaten" you because he feels insecure. You know him better than any of us.
Bottom line is you have got to be true to your heart. I wish you the best. Love is expressed in many ways.