I was 15, totally stupid and curious about everything. I wish now that I would have waited a while. There are plenty of other options out there.
a personal question about *gasp* sex!
by missylissy 85 Replies latest social relationships
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Piph
I was 28 and wished I'd tried it sooner. ;-)
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SixofNine
I think sex that makes you *gasp* is the best. What was the question again? Oh yeah... 24. I was too young; didn't know myself at all.
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xenawarrior
Oh yeah... 24. I was too young; didn't know myself at all.
LOL Sixy- in light of the topic-at 24 you probably knew "yourself" quite well
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Islandboy99
I was 16....
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maybesbabies
Actually, I'd be interested to find out... is there anyone here who had sex when they were 15 or 16, with a serious, steady bf or gf of the same age, and used protection, and still feels that it was a bad decision and had serious negative consequences?
I first had sex at 15, and began a relationship with my future husband at 16. We used protection, etc., and I honestly can't say that I regretted it. 15 does sound young, now that I'm a little bit older, but I honestly can't say if something is "right" or "wrong" for somebody else. I was a very mature teenager, and I was living on my own at that age. It may be a very bad thing for someone else at that age, but it was fine for me. We later did divorce, when we grew up, and grew apart. I think that part of it is far more damaging than the sex itself. Missy and Smyler, the decision is ultimately yours to make, you know the physical consequences, but don't forget to take into account the emotional consequences. I am not saying these are inherently going to be negative, either, just remember that you will grow and change with time. I hope all turns out well for the both of you. ((Missy and Smyler))
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Abaddon
The question missylissy has asked has illustrated quite nicely a divide between Anglo-American attitudes towards sex education and attitudes in Europe.
Both the USA and the UK have policies which impart a bare minimum of information to teenagers. Both the UK and the USA have a LOWER age of first sexual intercourse than most of Europe. Both the USA and he UK have a percentage of mothers who are teenagers between five and eight times HIGHER than most of Europe (and obviously a far higher rate of STD infection).
In contrast, sex education policies in France, the Netherlands, Germany, the Scandinavian countries etc., start early and are very comprehensive. They don't just cover the mechanics, they handle the social issues too. Rather than (as usually religously motivated campaigners maintain) making teenagers having sex ealier, this seems to equip them with the confidence to delay intercourse until they feel ready... and means when they do choose to have sex, they do so far more safely.
However, for some reason the toll in needless deaths from AIDS, high rates of STD infection and massive teen pregnancy rates lead to MORE restrictive sex education policies being put in place - despite strong evidence that abstinance based reigemes simply do not work and have harmful social side-effects.
Perhaps some people feel by giving missylissy an honest answer they will immediately send her off to bed (as on average the honest answer in the USA is around 17).
Personally although I recognise the good intentions behind this, such avoidance is really rather patronising and probably as ineffective as abstinance-based sex education.
So, my answer to you missylissy is; 22. On my wedding night. Hey, I was a born and bred dub. I was 'good'.
Now, first and foremost one has to point out in the USA having sex at 15 is illegal in most of the States. In some you have to wait until you are 18 to legally have sex. Your boyfriend could end up with a criminal record which would hang over him, rightly or wrongly.
Secondly, if you're asking this question because you want a reason to delay, understand YOU NEED NO REASON TO SAY NO. It is your body; if someone is pressuring you for sex they are immature and thinking about themselves more than you; you'd be better off with someone who will wait until you are both ready. Don't let some smart-talking horny boy persuade you having sex with them will prove your love. Them waiting will prove theirs far more. If you're asking this question just to justify yourself ("oh, EVERYBODY has sex at 15"), then you're too young. If you were old enough you wouldn't feel a need to justify yourself.
Thirdly, pragmatically, if you do decide to have sex, use condoms. Preventing a baby is far easier than raising one, and you might be so under-educated regarding sex that you might believe some silly teenage tale about how you can't get pregnant the first time, or something equally silly (and I actually know someone who did get pregnant the first time). Not only that, condoms help protect you against sexually transmitted disease. My girlfriend was in a musical about a girl who caught HIV (that leads to IADS) the first time she had sex... and she thought her lover was trustworthy, just like most people who end up with a sexually transmitted disease. Any man who makes a fuss about using a condom is thinking of himself before you, and will probably carry on doing that in a million other ways.
Fourthly, men lie to get sex. They just do. You might not realise how true this is yet, and it's nicest if you don't find out the first time you have sex
If this seems like a big awful mess of things to consider, you'll understand why so many people want you not to have sex now. You'll understand why there is an age of consent - as you have to be mature enough to consider the above factors to really give consent.
On the whole it is almost certain it is best that you wait. There is no 'sell-by' date on your virginity. If you have the slightest doubt, wait. If your boyfriend gives you a hard time for this, you'll know you made the right decision.
Abaddon (Gyles)
... and now a comment from Delilah
Hello MisssyLissy,
I'm Abaddon's partner. I don't usually write on this board, but as he told me who you were and what your question was, and read to me his answer, I felt compelled to chime in.
I do think all he wrote has at least some sense. All the issues he raises _do_ have to do with sex. As far as I'm concerned however, he missed the most important one out.
Personally speaking, I think the only reason good enough for someone, whether they are 15, 35, 50 or 500 years old, to have sex, is their really, really, really wanting to.By this I mean several things at the same time. If I had a daughter, I'd tell her never to do anything she didn't want to do. For no reason. That really is rule number one. It comes before all other rules.It was said to me by the first boy I ever did it with the first time we spent an evening together. That night nothing happened but a kiss. Not doing something means not getting hurt doing it, not being hurt afterwards if it turns out not to be what you wanted, not being sorry you did it, not being embarrassed or ashamed you did it, not being afraid of the consequences. The only possible draw back to not doing something is that you might regret not having done it, but then that is easily remedied. :)
Your body is yours, and yours alone. You only get one per lifetime, and to me that means taking good care of it. Not just by eating the right things, getting it enough exercise, and keeping it clean and warm enough. Healthy sex is good for you. It makes you feel good whilst having it, and good afterwards. But what do you mean by healthy sex? Doing 'it'? To me, anything that makes me feel sexually aroused is sex. So that can be anything from a good nice long teasing kiss, indeed doing 'it', to Abaddon looking at me in that certain way that indicates when we get home...... *cheeky grin*. What makes it healthy? Rule 1: not doing what you don't want, 2 using the protection you need (a man may be trustworthy and not know he is passing something on to you so use condoms for the sake of both of you, there are diseased you can get from a man that don't have to give him a lot of symptoms but are dangerous for you all the same, it isn't just about aids and babies *chuckle*), 3 not ever going further than you like. The latter is rather an important one. With me and most of the female friends for whom sex was nice the first time and times following, we didn't really decide when we were going to do 'it'. ' It' just happened when we were ready for it. Whilst discovering our own bodies ourselves in our own private time (which all adolescents of all races and al times have done and do, whatever religion says about it), which made us aware of what we liked and what worked, so we ended up being able to tell our boyfriends what we liked and being better partners for them in the bargain, we started just fooling around with our boyfriends, like all kids do and slowly got to the point where intercourse became something we wanted. Not because all the other girls said they had already done it (those who boast usually lie, good sex is something to enjoy, it isn't a contest, not something to boast about, as you will find out whenever you do get it right), not because the boys we were going out with demanded it or made us out to be stupid if we didn't, but because we were ready: we really really wanted to. One of my girlfriends was 16, one of them was 24, I was only just 18. So the right age can be different for different people.
What I'm saying basically is this: Do it on your own terms, in your own sweet time, with all the protection you need to be physically safe, and with some one with whom you'll be emotionally safe as well. Adhering to these rules you'll have a good time, learn safely (good sex needs practise just like all other forms of art), and discover sex at the time that is right for you. Treat your body and mind with this kind of respect, and expect it from those who want to play with your body and mind. Don't waste time on people who try to tell you it is abnormal not to have done it yet, or who want to push you in any other way. They aren't good company for you, as their attitude has nothing to do with respect for either you or themselves, but with immature peerpressure.
Delilah
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Xena
Excellent advise Abaddon & Delilah!
I was 19, he was 26. We had known each other awhile and I felt comfortable with him. It was a nice experience and we are still friends to this date....
On the birthcontrol issue, condoms don't always work...I know from bitter experience! If and when you decide to have sex use an alternate method of birthcontrol PLUS condoms! It may seem like overkill but it's worth it in the long run, trust me!
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wednesday
I was and " barely 17 and barely dressed" -he he take from a Meat Loaf song (my fav singer) ACTUALLY.......
I was 17 when i married and a virgin,both my hubby and I , like most JWS of that time. I knew a couple who did not even hold hands, sounds really stupid now.My hubby and i did what was called "necking and petting" at that time. Not sure what they call it now. We were not stupid enough to tell the elders, though.
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Xandria
Missy,
You have recieved a lot of advice here. The bottom line is it is your decision, but I will say. If you are asking what is a good time or when did you~ it sounds like you are not sure for yourself. Some how, I feel there is more to this and that there are pressures, from what ever source. This is the time you have to ask yourself, do you think you are ready for the responsiblities sex can bring ?
If you are feeling pressured then don't do it. Do it because you are ready, not because he is or your g/f's are pushing.
There are some heavy consquences to sex, if something like a condom breaks or anything else happens. It is your body and not his that will be dealing with it. A lot of things go into having sex and it is a big step. There is no shame in giving yourself time to mature a bit more and enjoy life with out the worries of being sexually active. Once you stepped over that thresh-hold there is really no going back.
These are things to consider:
- Trust ~ Do you trust that your partner is just as committed and ready to handle the consquences that sex can bring ? His urges should not just be the driving force of this decision. If it is, then you aren't ready for a sexual relationship. Sex is just more than the act itself. It is actually caring about the person you are with.
- Are you prepared medically~ ie: Birth Control and Knowing how to use it. Taking the responsiblity to see your OB/Gyn. for check ups, etc. Can you bring your-self to speak openly and honestly about your body and sexual matters with a doctor? If you cannot speak or discuss your body openly with your doctor~ then how are you going to handle sex?
These are things to think about. You will know when it is right for you. I understand you are curious and it is a big step. There is not experation date or time line. You will know when it is right because there will be a comfortable feeling and not an ackward, wary, rushed feel to the situation. You want to do this right and make it a special memory, not a memory you regret.
Take care,
X.