Jonadab, you really seem like a most sincere person. I was a very active and believing JW for quite a number of years, and even after I realized many things were absolutely wrong and unloving, I stayed because of the emotional blackmail of the disfellowshipping and shunning practices. Your group believes that anyone reading any other literature of the world, or questioning is apostate. This is where unreasonable and irrational control comes in.
I was a very sincere JW, but I realized that I was sincerely wrong in the path that I'd been on with them; I had to listen to my heart. What happened to me after I made that decision--simply to "not practice that belief system any longer", is that I lost my foundation of existence--many dear friends, and my dear mother and aunt. I commited no gross sin, other than to make a personal decision for myself. The harsh result of my choice only reinforced that I had made the right decision. I did not try to turn others away, nor did I want to pursue wicked and evil things. However, I was labeled and shunned severely by my own mother, who does so even now in the name of her faith. I keep asking myself, "where is the love and compassion?".
That is why we must prove to ourselves what "truth" is. According to the JW rules, you take a great risk by coming on here and "associating with us". We have no problem with you being here; on the other hand, your JW sites will not tolerate our free expression and experiences. Why is that? Why are you taught to fear us so much? I know for a fact that if you believe something with all your heart, absolutely nothing you read or hear will sway you away from that.
I am not here to condeme the religion of the Jehovah's Witness. My experience from age thirteen until I finally walked away when I was in my mid thirties, was filled with much unhappiness and turmoil. To me, it was a harsh reality to understand that they were just another type of religion like all the others, only more cultish. I was filled with so much guilt and pain, all because I wasn't listening to what my own heart was telling me....yet your group would label me as "weak", "apostate", "sinner"... How can your JW organization condeme one for total honesty? How can a group of people dictate to others to close off their heart and mind to the stirrings they alone need to answer?
Well, whatever you choose for yourself is fine with me. If it makes you happy and gives you peace, then this is "your truth". It is not my truth. I am 57 years old, and only realized true happiness some 2-3 years ago, when I was finally able to cleanse myself of the lingering guilt over my decision so many years ago. I have absolutely no regrets for walking away and it was the absolute best decision I could have ever made; but the emotional land psychological damage stayed with me for some twenty years later. The cleansing process that had been delayed for me, was the process of learning to accept and love myself, and to live in this beautifully created world. To show love and compassion in everything I do, and to make good choices along the way. For so much a part of my life, I was not free to do these things, and so my self-esteem was very low and there was depression and sadness. That is gone now! How wonderful to be free to be myself.
It would be my wish that everyone could find "their own way" and thereby rid themselves of all the guilt, pain and sorrow of things that they cannot change. We have to let go and move on, and this forum is helping us to do that. There are so many different personalities here--for the most part, mature and knowledgeable, and willing to show that love that was ripped away from us.
We don't need anyone to save us. We are safe. We are at peace. Believe what you will. I cannot change you and wouldn't wish to try.
(Very proudly, I am Karen Martz Martin Raymond)
I am One with myself and my Truth.
