Everybody, I need your help re Daughter

xjw_b12

As some of you know, when CJ and I were married, I adopted her daughter, and raised her as my own.

I love her so much, I never referred to her as step-daughter, and never will. She calls me Dad, even though her biological father, somehow found his way out out of the woodwork, when she turned 18. ( go figure, she turns 18, no financial responsibility, and this pond scum, calls to say.....I'm your father, after CJ and I have raised her )

OK that was a rant. Here is my dilema. She is flying up from Toronto to visit in 2 weeks, with her new boyfriend. They have been "dating" for about 1 year. She is 24, and she has been living in Toronto for 6+ years since 1997. (very independant lass).

During that time she has had a few relationships ( both genders . She moved down to Toronto with her, ) but the past 4 years it has been men, ( she "grew bored" with girls ). Since that time she has had" casual" dates and a few serious relationships, including 1 with a married man, that she met at the health club. She ended that once she discovered he was married.

So they are coming to stay with us. They are "dating" , but NOT living together.

My dilema. We have a teenage daughter (14) who is "very aware", and is currently, casually dating, ( group movies, swimming parties etc.), and a 12 year old son, who is also "very aware" . We have been very honest with them both on all things, including sexuality.

This is my question to you. When my eldest daughter comes to visit ..................

WHAT SHOULD THE SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS BE ?

Please keep in mind, the ages of the 2 younger kids. Daughter 14, Son 12. I do not want to send the wrong message to them.

avishai

I would'nt put 'em in the same room, you have to have boundaries w/ kids that age. I used to be Joe Liberal on this, but I've worked w/ kids the age of your younger ones for quite awhile and my opinions change. Make it clear to your oldest daughter why you are diong this, that it''s not because you disapprove, it's for the young'uns. That being said, also tell her that you will leave her and her fiance' some "alone time". Take the teens to the mall, and leave the big kids at home, if you don't mind, of course.

RAYZORBLADE

Hey bud, I can understand your concern.

Well, when I visit my Mom or my 85 year old Granny, there's one rule of thumb that always applies.

"One follows the rules of the household" that being said, if anyone comes along with me, we follow the rules, and everyone gets along.

Prepare two seperate rooms: (to daughter) 'Here is your room', and (her partner) 'here is your room, if you need anything, let us know'.

They'll get it, and it's polite and it says everything.

I don't think it'll be an issue. If the fellow she's with is a gentleman, he'll not question this arrangement.

I'm confident it'll work out. Something tells me, she (your daughter) is probably anticipating this.

It'll work out fine!

calamityjane

Thanks avishai for you input. BUT!!! if i'm wrong, I just don't see this as a big deal as xjw is putting forward. Yes. I believe our 14 old daughter should be taught the values of life. But her sister is not here, living on her own, far away, she's 24, has a career, yadda, yadda.

This is where xjw and I don't come to terms right now. He is trying to protect his 14 year old daughter from our oldest sleeping with her "boyfriend".

Don't get me wrong, I do not condone 14 year olds having sex, it just won't and shouldn't happen at that age.

But if their oldest sister, who has been on her own for many years now, she has a life,. can not that be taken into the equation.

love

cj

P.S. We really reallly need verybody's input here. Thanks guys.

Lady Lee

Why not just talk to your older daughter about it and your concerns for the younger ones. Talk to her before she comes so she can talk to her friend and they know before they even get there. Why wait to spring it on them once they are there?

calamityjane

Thanks Rayzor, for your input. I totally agree with you and now I really have mixed emotions here.

But she is also going to spend time with my jw parents, and they will put that rule on her also. So do we look like jw parents or ones who have broken free??>>

We have to look at the big picture. And again I could be wrong.. That's why I'm here

Aztec

I agree with everyone else here. There is a time and place for everything and you have to take into consideration your other children's ages. You sound like you are pretty liberal about most of this. It's okay to be a bit strict about sleeping arrangements in your own home. Some guidelines are a good thing. I'm sure it will all be fine. Have fun!

~Aztec

calamityjane

Yes Lady Lee, thanks for that. I just think if I spring it on her now, It might lead to an explosive manner in which I don't want this weekend to be.

aack.!!!!!

calamityjane

Thanks guys, you are soooo with xjw right now. I just didnt' see the clear picture. I really thank this board for the input we can get.

I want to be free from the jw mindset but there are also rules. Thanks for you input please keep them coming. I need more amunition just to make my stand a little more pallatible to my oldest daughter. Who knows maybe she "is expecting this", but I know what she is like and I just don''t want to start a rift before she gets here.

Thanks a bunch guys

love

cj

Lady Lee

Once my girls were living with someone they could sleep together in my house - but just dating - I think the rules at that point are different. Younger people understand the difference between a couple living together and just dating. Perhaps you could address it along those lines.

If they truly are a "couple" then I would have no problems explaining that to the young kids. They see a lot worse and more on TV and kids are much more aware than they used to be.

And saying to the younger ones "Not until you can be out on your own like your sister..." then it sets a standard.

Personally I think it unrealistic to think kids today will remain virgins til they marry. But being responsible is a whole different thing

Everybody, I need your help re Daughter

Share this