Everybody, I need your help re Daughter

by xjw_b12 47 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Nosferatu

  I agree with Estee. She is an adult, and it's really up to her if she's going to be sleeping in the same bed as her boyfriend. I suggest just asking her if they'll be sleeping in the same room or separately. If she doesn't feel too strongly about this guy, she'll request separate rooms. If she's lovesick about him, she'll want to be with him. You never know, they may have already spent a night or two together.

  You must also remember this, it's your daughter and she has first say on sleeping arrangements. His opinion doesn't count ;)

  I wouldn't worry too much on the influence on the 14 year old. She's not an adult and you can use that to your advantage (until she's an adult).
• 

  codeblue

  ok...it is not a matter of acting like JW parents here...you are still Parents and have the right to set boundaries that might affect your younger children at home. Nothing wrong with that.

  XJW: ...Your daughter (you raised ) knows who her father is...YOU...you were there for her. I know this for a fact. In my first marriage my husband had a child from a previous marriage and called me MOM once he got full custody. Even when my ex (scumbag) left me, this child who was not my biological child, was there for me. He was so mad at his Dad he refused to talk to him for 2 years. Kids know who the "real" parent is and it doesn't have to do with biology.

  Hope all works for the best for you and your family.

  Codeblue
• 

  Satans little helper

  I've been on the recieving end of this situation a couple of times with girls I have been dating.

  An ex girlfriends parents (non JW's) made us sleep apart the first couple of times we stayed at their house and although we were a bit cheesed off we went with it out of respect for them with it being their house. After we had stayed at their house a couple of times they realised our relationship was a long term thing and were cool with us sleeping together under their roof.

  My mother in law was cool with me and Clare sleeping together under her roof from day one. We appreciated the respect she showed us in not trying to police our relationship or try to inflict external morals on us.

  Basically what I am saying is decide what you feel comfortable with, they will respect it either way. I would be totally cool with sleeping seperate if there were younger kids in the house.
• 

  Sassy

  Isn't it something how we were controlled by our actions so long as JWs that we question how many rules we should allow once we are out? A purely ethical, moral foundation that someone without having been a JW might have, we question because we aren't sure what is "normal" and proper when we 'get free'.

  I don't know how I would handle this. I'm trying not to freak out about some things my 24 year old is doing. My first reaction is, don't react like a JW and push him away. So I question or stop myself from freak reacting only to prove I am no longer a JW. I have to remind myself that some things are ok to say they aren't right or I don't want to agree with.

  I think you have some good advice here. You know recently my boyfriend and I were invited to a coworkers home (none of them JWs) and they were discussing bringing home your girlfriend to mom. Point blank they all agreed you don't stay under your momma's roof if you are not married. My boyfriend was heartilly in agreement that no woman other than his wife had he ever taken home to momma. Now I know I am not the first living arrangement he has been in. This is of course mine. I don't know if I thought now that I am in the world that everything is "OK".. there are still rights.. and wrongs.. there is still consideration and respect for our parents and their value system....(and of course our younger siblings).. At first I was hurt that he wouldn't take me to stay at his mothers when we go to visit.. but I had to remind myself it wasn't me personally but his respect for his mother.. and the day, if it comes we marry, that will be different. In the mean time we will stay at a hotel when we go. I know this is a totally different situation and there are no siblings and we are not 24.. but it goes to show a respect system.. and it could be that your daughter will already feel this way to some extent, that sleeping in a seperate room is already in her mind.. just ask.. you never know what you will find out.
• 

  scotsman

  If your younger children are 'aware' as you put it, they surely will expect their adult sister to be like their adult parents. They cope with the knowledge that you may have sex together and will cope with knowing their sister does too. They may tease her, but that's what siblings are for. Separate rooms will make everyone embarrassed.

  But, it is your house and you have the luxury of making your own rules.
• 

  Max Divergent

  Forgive me, but what is the issue? I'm not implying that there's no issue, I just don't know what your concern is for the younger kids. (I take it that they aren't likley to join your daughter and BF for an orgy, or are they?)

  If you were a JW, I'd recognise it straight away... by giving a room you'd be condoning fonication under your roof.

  But if you're not and you're as cool as you sound about your daughter's varied sex life, what is the message you want to give the children?

  Is it that you want to assert a moral view that it's OK for your daughter to be a serial fornicatrix including having lesbian and extra-martial relationships, but it's wrong to share a room/bed with a BF in your house?

  Is it that they should learn to review the practices of others against a self-selected moral benchmark, and impose those views oon others when they have the opportunity (like visting their house)?

  Both those sound very odd to me, so perhaps it's somthing else?

  All I suggest (since you ask) is that you know exactly what message it is that you want to send your daughter, her boyfriend, your partner and yourself.

  Maybe you beleive there's somthing inherently more wrong about sharing a bed with a BF, than about creating a charade for kids to see straight through?

  Max
• 

  Abaddon

  So they are coming to stay with us. They are "dating" , but NOT living together.

  And the issue with that is? I ask because I'm interested in your reply... as a male JW you would indeed be regarded as responsible for the sexual morals of an unwed adult daughter by the local congregation, and even if she were not a Witness would be judged if you let her have sex in your house. But you're not a JW now, are you? Do you still feel responsible for them now? Do you still feel as though you would be judged? If so, why?

  First, do you genuinely believe that having sex without being married is bad? For me, that is the only reason that you should prevent from them sleeping together when they visit; it's your house and your right.

  If you don't think that having sex without being married is bad, then why would you try to control the actions of an adult daughter?

  My dilema. We have a teenage daughter (14) who is "very aware", and is currently, casually dating, ( group movies, swimming parties etc.), and a 12 year old son, who is also "very aware" . We have been very honest with them both on all things, including sexuality.

  And they will know perfectly well that their sister is having sex with her boyfriend elsewhere. If they know you think having sex without being married is bad, they will probably respect your right to make them sleep seperately as it is your house, even if they disagree with you. If they know you think that having sex without being married is not automatically bad, then you preventing their sister and her boyfriend sleeping together in your house could be seen as a comment on that relationship. Or it could be seen as being still caught up in your old beliefs. Or as inconsistant ("Dad, you don't give her a hard time about it when she's not here, but you expect her to be a hypocrite and pretend nothing's happening when she visits... do you think we're that silly dad?").

  As I see it, you have a right to stop something in your house, no matter what. But, if you're not consistant, if you seem to be trapped in past beliefs, then you might be sending the wrong sort of message to them.

  I doubt very much that your kids are incapable of differentiating between a rule that applies to an adult daughter who lives somewhere else and one which applies to them. If not, you already have problems!

  All the best..
• 

  LittleToe

  If I were to give a single piece of advice, it would be to not worry too much about how the old JW-mindset might be affecting your decision. Don't let them have that hold-over on you - go with your gut, wherever the chips may fall.

  I don't doubt that you guys will make the right decision for YOUR family, regardless of what that decision is.
• 

  mouthy

  I have not read any of the replies- so I am answering your question quickly -will go back after my shower & read the rest. But I would tell her before she comes YOU CANT SLEEP TOGETHER HERE. If you want your other kids to follow house rules you have to lay them down... I do!!!!

  Sounds to me you have been showing UNconditional love to her already- which is great -but she has to respect your other kids. If you allow one to do as they like -dont complain when the others want to do as they like( could be anything !!!!!(my 2 cents as always mouthy
• 

  Jade

  My hubby and I stayed with his eighty year old grandparents when we were just dating. He is not a JW and neither are his grandparents. However, since we knew sleeping together would make them uncomfortable we stayed in separate rooms at their house. It was their home and those were their beliefs. To me it was a matter of respect for them. It didn't hurt my feelings at all. Since this is your daughter, I would defintely talk to her about it before she gets here so it's not an issue at the last minute. The last thing you want is for that to cloud your visit together. She should understand that there are young children in the house as well.