Everybody, I need your help re Daughter

by xjw_b12 47 Replies latest jw friends

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  waiting

  Haven't read all replies, most of first page. I agree with Lady Lee (no big surprise there).

  It's not only JW's who aren't totally open to the idea of having grown kids come home & sleep together with their dates. My brother in law will not allow it in his house, period. His 3 daughters are approx. same age as xjw & cj's......and it is just not allowed. Even if they were engaged, and/or living together.....it would not be allowed. It's his house....and he's a Methodist (and not that devout) - and really quite open minded about many things.

  When he & his fiance' visited his mother & stayed the night, HE insisted that they stay in separate bedrooms (even though they lived together) - he felt he owed it to his mother not to make her uncomfortable in her own home. He was The Guest & felt she had offered enough in opening her home to them.

  In our house? If my grown kids came home to visit & stayed the night with a person they have a long term, serious, arrangement - I'd go for it. Heterosexual or homosexual - it's not proper to draw the line now, eh?

  However...............if I had young teens in the house? I think I'd answer this thread differently.

  I'd certainly ASK the visiting couple if they'd mind terribly if they stayed in seprate rooms, if I or my husband was uncomfortable with the idea. I just can't imagine a GUEST (and a grown child is still coming in as a guest) being so rude as to demand to have the right of sex - even though it made their hosts/parents terribly uneasy - or that sustaining from sex for a couple days/week would be injurious to their bodies/egos.

  The "free time" built into the schedule for the guests makes good sense though. Guess it depends upon family relations/nationality more than the jw aspect.

  Good luck with the visit - and enjoy!

  waiting
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  Sara Annie

  While a tough dilemma, the answer to your actual question is really quite simple:

  You get to decide. Not her, not your other children, but YOU. Evaluate how comfortable you are with your daughter sleeping in the same bed with a man she is not married to while under your roof. You don't need to consider her feelings on the matter or her desires, but only need to decide where you will draw the line under your own roof. Where your decision falls is none of our business--you're free to impose any standard of morality you wish where your home is concerned. The decision you make will set the standard for your other children, and whatever you decide, it will be a clear message to your them about what you think is acceptable behavior from your grown children in your home.

  If you are comfortable with her sleeping in the same bed and having sex with a man she's not married to in your home, then allow her to. If you decide that the standard for sharing a bed in your home should be marital status, do not allow her to. What your daughter wants to do is immaterial, it is your home and your decision is the only one that matters.
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  Nosferatu

  Since everyone is giving their personal experience, I'll share mine.

  When I was 20, I was having lots of problems at home with my controlling father. I had curfew along with the rent I was paying. He was incredibly mad that I was spending nights over at my girlfriend's house.

  Now, my girlfriend at the time was 16. Her father was a slightly bothered at first by me sleeping in her room, but that passed. I moved in with them shortly after and got to sleep in her room every night.

  A year later we went to visit her family out east. Her Aunt had no problem with us sleeping in the same room.

  Two years later, we went to visit her grandparents out east. They had no problem with us sleeping in the same room.

  Now, when me and her split up, I went crazy and spent the night with lots of women. By this time, I was a full-blown adult, not just some stupid 20 year old. It was great fun. Hell, I slept with women I wasn't even dating or having sex with.

  My point? Sleeping in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex is fun! Well, actually, there is no point here. It's just another experience for you to make a judgement on.
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  Big Tex

  Great advice on this thread. My only contribution is for you both to decide beforehand what your house rules are. I agree with LL, and talk to her before so she knows.

  To my mind, if you want separate rooms that is not passing judgment on her life but rather setting a boundary. Little Toe makes a good point as well, forget the whole JW/xJW situation. If you take a stand that happens to mirror the Witnesses, so what? But whatever you decide, be consistent.
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  Lady Lee

  hmmmmm I've been reading some of the comments here and had some more thoughts

  Before I got married I was living with my now-husband. We went to visit my daughter and my grand-daughter was around 7 yrs old. My daughter just assumed we would be sleeping in the same room because we were living together. Now just because we are sleeping in the same room doesn't mean we are have sex every night. Let's face it - most people slow down a bit once the newness has worn off a bit. (I said most). There was no way I was going to have sex with my daughter in one room on one side of me and my grand-daughter on the other side. Yes, I am odd enough to think "What if they heard me?"

  By the same token when my grown kids came to visit me with their live-in boyfriends they have said that while they slept together there was no way they could do it with mom in the next room.

  Now I'm pretty sure people who are still dating and enjoying the newness of having sex together will try it any tie they are together alone.

  So is it the sex or the sleeping together?

  The other point here is that the couple here is just dating not living together. Are they even a couple? Or is this a friend? Are they even at the point of having sex? Unless she has told you what there relationship is, how would you know how to handle it?

  It seems from what has been posted that the parents have different views about how to handle this. But if you are going to establish some boundaries they you need to be able to agree on it. And once you get that piece sorted out then you need to talk to your 24 yr old daughter and ask her what she thinks.

  And once that is done you might need to talk to the younger ones if the older sister will be sleeping with her friend.

  And don't be surprised if the older one says something like "Ewwww mom. I wouldn't be having sex while you and dad are in the next room."
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  pettygrudger

  I believe you DO have to take the younger children into consideration. What happens if at 18, your daughter starts bringing all her "boyfriends" home to spend the night should she still be with you? What grounds would you have at that point to say no?

  If the 24 y.o. is NOT living with her boyfriend, then separate rooms.
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  xjw_b12

  I don't want anybody to think I posted this thread and then bolted. I have been monitoring it regularly. I decided to stay clear of posting comments, so as not to influence any posters, or impede the momentum.

  I thank you all for your comments, so far. CJ and I have read every one of them numerous times, and are still digesting it all.

  I do want to say one thing though. I joined this board to engage in lively debate, help those who were starting their exit, and of course for the humour. I didn't think I would ever need to ask for help to resolve a dilemna. The input from both ends of the spectrum has been well rounded.

  And the thoughts re the JW vs XJW mentality are also bang on. What am I basing my decision on? My upbringing as a JW or my desire to distance myself from it.

  Thank you all.

  David
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  Valis

  Hmmmm....from my perspective I would let them sleep together. That doesn't mean they have to raise the roof as it were and if they are considerate they won't. I think its a bit different with the kids living in the house under your supervision. By the time I was 24 I was not one to take well to people regulating my activities or morality. You might not think it sounds that way from a parent's perspective, but from the 24 year old ya maybe. Is there a discreet place they can sleep or maybe even one right out in the open? Either solution solves your problem and avoids you as a parent having to be the morality police. Oh and if you think your other children are naieve about what happens between bf and gf ya might have another thing coming...*LOL*

  petty brings up a certain dillema that is a bit hard to work around, but one might assume the 18 year old would be a bit reluctant to bring a date home for a sleepover. Or at least smart enough not to...eh xjw? *LOL* I hear boyfriends make great chum and trolling bait...*LOL*

  Or you could play it by ear and let the daughter make the first move. Let the onus be on them to make a good/polite descision. It might be too that you would like to switch back to parent mode instead of treating the older daughter like an equal. Hard not to do, but maybe something to think about. Cheers and I sure hope I get to meet both of you someday, well if I only got to see CJ again that would be OK too...*LOL*

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
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  Carmel

  hey I've had adult couples spent the night and I put them in separate rooms. In my house you follow our standards, simple as that. I can't keep my kids from being exposed to lower standards as every movie, even PG have illicit relationships, but I don't have to promote it by condoning it under my roof. So far its been 100% cooperative and understanding. No hard feelings and in one case got the couple to thinking and decided to get married. I never said a word, and wouldn't as it would constitute preaching.

  caveman
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  Valis