Relationship questions (mildly long read)

by Descender 42 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  Odrade

  Whoa, you're in a tough spot. I see a LOT of what SHE thinks she wants in the relationship, and I see that you love her, but what do YOU want in the relationship? It's okay to take care of YOU here and put yourself first. People who give give give burn themselves out eventually, and a real relationship is about you getting too. (And you know I'm not necessarily talking about sex here, right?)

  Besides, if it's all about you doing whatever SHE wants, and letting her jerk your little puppet strings at her every whim, what kind of a precedent does that set for your future relationship? Do you really want to give up all the power in the relationship just to make her happy and have her back? And besides, as much as some women like to be in control, they can't really be happy with a man who has given it all up in the relationship and isn't happy with himself.

  Sucks to be in this situation, but you asked, and I'm saying, it's more than time to start thinking "what does descender want? and can this woman deliver?"

  ((((descender))))

  O
• 

  Descender

  Thanks for the input. I can see that I've been a doormat, so I'm going to take another approach. Maybe things will work out or maybe they won't. But somehow I've got to get through this pain. She just doesn't care or appreciate anything I've been doing for her as of late, which hurts as well. So maybe I should just ignore her, not call her, not take her calls, and not go out of my way for her all the time. I don't think she understands that she could lose me, and I think if there is something she cares about, it's that ..... losing me.

  I once heard that most witness girls are a lot prettier than most worldy girls. I don't know if that is true, but, physically speaking, my wife is beautiful. She puts most models to shame. She's the kind of girl that gets asked out at least a few times a day, every day. She's been asked out on dates by NBA hall of famers and celebrities. When she walks into a store, heads turn and jaws drop. Everytime she goes to get something to eat, the servers tells her she's hot and when she walks into a gas station, the attendant asks her number. And she loves every second of it, but she can't see that it's true, so she has to have more.

  She's always had low self confidence because she was never complimented for anything while she was growing up. I've always told her that she's beautiful, but for some reason she's never believed me. But she loves the attention from others, it's her fuel. She doesn't have time to give of herself to anyone else because she's to busy eating all the attention that everyone is willing to give her because everyone and their dog wants to get in her pants.

  She does know that I'm the person that she can rely on. She knows that if she was in dire straights, that I would be the only one out of her plethera of friends that would come to her aid because her other friends aren't real. She knows that she can rely on me to help her with money, to provide for her, and to give her a good life. And I suppose that's one of the problems. She knows I'm there and she thinks that I'll always be there. I asked her several times if she wanted a divorce and every time she has broken down into tears and said that she doesn't want to lose me.

  I agree that I've been to soft and given into her every whim, even though she has treated me like dirt as of late. I need to take a hard line approach and set down some ground rules and look out for myself more, because I've only been thinking of pleasing her over the past few months, and that hasn't been succesfull at all. Since she doesn't care or appreciate anything I've been doing, maybe she'll start to worry when I'm not doing anything.
• 

  Nosferatu

  Are you sure you're not with my ex? Your wife sounds just like my ex, who is also 23 years old.

  I don't think she understands that she could lose me, and I think if there is something she cares about, it's that ..... losing me.

  They usually don't think about that until you're gone.

  She's always had low self confidence

  I saw that one coming.

  I've always told her that she's beautiful, but for some reason she's never believed me. But she loves the attention from others, it's her fuel. She doesn't have time to give of herself to anyone else because she's to busy eating all the attention that everyone is willing to give her because everyone and their dog wants to get in her pants.

  So, she's an attention whore. She literally thrives off attention. She may really have low self-confidence, but she's found out that she can use it to get the pity and attention of other people. Many women do this, and it sickens me.

  She does know that I'm the person that she can rely on.

  ....and take advantage of.

  She knows I'm there and she thinks that I'll always be there.

  She takes you for granted.

  I asked her several times if she wanted a divorce and every time she has broken down into tears and said that she doesn't want to lose me.

  She wants to have her cake and eat it too - at the expense of your emotional well-being. You're suffering so she can have a boytoy. You're suffering so she can have things her way ALL THE TIME. For once, you need to think about yourself. Are you going to allow yourself to carry on being miserable with this woman in your life? A wise man is one who doesn't NEED a woman to be happy. Happiness comes from what you accomplish, what you achieve, and how you see yourself.

  Since she doesn't care or appreciate anything I've been doing, maybe she'll start to worry when I'm not doing anything.

  Isn't it a little late for that? She's done an incredible amount of damage to you, and your trust in her. If you go back to her, you'll be setting yourself up for even more damage. Quit giving her what she wants, give yourself the satisfaction of moving on, and making a better life for yourself.

  If I were you, I'd cut off communication from her for a while (say a month), get all the sadness out of your system, start planning to move onto a new path of life, begin paving that path, then cut the ties that the both of you have. You've been so lost in pleasing her that you've forgotten what pleases YOU. Take some time to re-discover what pleases you.

  A good looking woman is nothing without a good personality. Raccoons are cute, but if they bite, you may need a rabies shot. Get yourself a cat.

  You've suffered enough. It's time for her to suffer for the damage she's done to you. Leave the bitch.
• 

  Xena

  Ya know, while I don't condone what his wife has done I would hesitate to call someone a bitch when I don't know their side of the story....

  But that's just me

  I think you are probably taking the right course of action descender, you sound like a good person and I'm sorry for the direction your life and marriage has taken! If it makes you feel any better though, everything is temporary...and life does get better
• 

  talesin

  Been there, only I was the woman. Instead of jerking my husband around though, I just told him that I needed to go out on my own and could not be the wife he needed. I made a clean break.

  She obviously does not have the courage or maturity to do this.

  Take care of yourself. Stay away from her, don't let her keep coming back and using you.

  You WILL get through this IF you make a concrete decision to LET HER GO.

  talesin
• 

  Sassy

  Descender, hard times you are dealing with indeed. To be honest, long before you mentioned other men in her life, I figured an affair was going on. My guess is that trip to Vegas had her with a man there.. I know you said family was there but it has the earmarks of something else, at least on the side. That would be the reason why she came home with such an attitude 'suddenly' even though supposedly she had been feeling it for 5 yrs (she said). My ex husband treated me the same way when he started having an affair with a woman. We were both still JWs at the time. He needed to justify his own guilt and behavior, so thus everything I did was wrong.

  I'd like to tell you that this can probably be worked out, but chances are slim. She is giving you no respect at all. Once that happens, it is unlikely things will ever be repaired to the point of something working out for you. But you may need time to come to terms with this.

  My ex is sorry. He wished I was back with him. Just two weeks ago he called me and I know it is because he wants back with me. We've been divorced 10 yrs now. Too much water is under the bridge. There are some things you can't fix.

  I hope I am wrong for you. But honestly, I think you deserve better. Work on healing for yourself... and then later when you are up to it, find a woman who treats you right.

  i guess the thing I can't shake is that she is putting this right in your face.. it isn't like she got just sucked into this by accident.. because I can see how that can happen, you are bored, end up talking to people on the net.. enjoy the conversation and then start to fall for/or them fall for you.. that has happened a ton of times.. but if you meant something to her, she would have felt just horrible about it when it hit the table and stopped the association and get shaken up enough to try to make this all up to you..

  but it doesn't sound like "SHE" is doing anything to help this be repaired..

  SHE is having her cake and eating it too..

  sure.. you can be there when no one is online.. she is lonely and needs someone to talk to.. but then she is BUSY when one of them flies in..

  don't keep putting yourself through this.. like I said.. You deserve better.. Many of us have recently exited.. many of us have needs for dealing with it.. but it still does not exuse the fact of how she has treated you.
• 

  Nosferatu

  Ya know, while I don't condone what his wife has done I would hesitate to call someone a bitch when I don't know their side of the story....

  Normally I would hesitate as well, especially if I don't have much of a clue what's going on. The thing is, I have lived it. I know the frustration. I know the hurt. I know the confusion. I also know the hope that things will get better.

  Descender lets his wife date other people, but when Descender finally moves on and starts dating someone else, she's going to be pissed off at him. Respect is completely one way in this relationship. Later down the road, she's going to want him back.

  The last time I ran into my Ex was in December. We had been apart for 2 1/2 years. I'm friendly toward her when I run into her. She began hinting to have her cat back. When she moved out, she decided not to take him. Now she wants him back? Forget it. I then told her I had to get back to my friends, and I got a guilt trip, "Fine. Go." She can have her little hissy fit, and I'll just stand by and laugh.

  Sorry, but anyone who takes advantage of a person's good nature is deserving of the title "bitch", "asshole", and any other creative names I can think of. As a result of people like this, I am no longer good-natured.
• 

  Xena

  Well Nos, I think it's a shame you let your own experiences shade your view of this person so much when you don't know all her circumstances....

  I've had my share of being cheated on and taken advantage of...and on the other hand I have done some things in my time that I'm not real proud either...but I try to make judgement calls on an individual basis and cut most people some slack because until you have walked a mile in THEIR shoes you don't know why they do the things they do...

  So you see a bitch...I see a very young inexperienced girl who seems to be confused about what she wants...in the process she has hurt someone she probably still loves and I am sure eventually she will regret that if she doesn't already...it's a sad situation all the way around. I feel for them both.
• 

  Nosferatu

  I see a very young inexperienced girl who seems to be confused about what she wants...in the process she has hurt someone she probably still loves and I am sure eventually she will regret that if she doesn't already

  Heard that one too.

  Here's how I see the situation as a whole: Descender has absolutely no clue how to deal with a woman. He lacks experience in this department, and his JW upbringing probably has much to do with it. Unfortunately, society's opinion on how to treat women also plays a big part in this. Men typically don't know how to deal with women. To them, flowers, candy, and anything along the lines of romance is the answer. Women find themselves attracted to men who are mysterious, confident, unpredictable, and challenging. Descender has eliminated all these from his relationship, and his wife has therefore lost her attraction to him. Is this Descender's fault?

  Since his wife has lost her attraction to him, she wants to feel it again. She's been knowingly doing things that hurt him (ie cheating) to try and get him out of her life. She knows she's married to Descender. Is this her fault?

  One thing I have to commend Descender for is reaching out for help by going to a marriage counsellor. She was reluctant to help rescue the relationship. She was thinking about her needs, not what the relationship needs. I can easily commend people for trying to make their lives better. I cannot commend people for refusing help.

  When I was living with my ex, me and her mother got together and worked on encouraging my ex to get some therapy to help deal with her past. She was sexually abused. She flat out refused to get help. This was before our relationship went sour.

  I have no respect for my ex. She was offered help, but she decided that everything was fine, and nothing was wrong with her.

  After she left, I went and got help for my issues. I've made some drastic self-improvement, and I'm quite proud of the changes I've made. I understand myself a lot better, and I'm much happier. Living well is the best revenge. My ex has tried to contact me several times, and I've refused. Her sister even set me up to meet my ex at a bar. I spent the whole night flirting with women while she sat at the table waiting for me to sit down and talk with her. She had her chance, and she blew it.

  As for her being a bitch, we began a life together. We were engaged and living common-law. When she left, she threw the equilibrium of my life off balance. I was stuck with all the bills, while she could wander free and do whatever she pleased with her money. It really doesn't do much for your life when you have $30 to your name, and you still need to buy gas, food, pay the maxed out credit card bills, and have bill collectors phoning you while she's out partying, buying drinks and new clothes.
• 

  Xena

  Can you say "projecting" Nos?

  but this isn't about you or me...so I will get off my soapbox

  I hope things work out for you descender!