THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN A Kingdom Hall...

WildTurkey

Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front roll.

I was so enthralled, I never noticed your talk went 25 minutes over time.

Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than sex.

I love it when we sing kingdom melodies I've never heard before!

Since we're all here, let's start the meeting early.

jgnat

Hallelujah!

Let's just skip commenting and go home early.

Why should the young ones suffer through an adult service? Let's set up a Sunday School just for them.

It is a lovely spring day, let's all go to the park for a family-affirming picnic instead of going out in field service.

Sister Jones, thirty year full-time pioneer, has gracously agreed to conduct the talk this morning. Stay sharp you young men, and learn a thing or two.

xjw_b12

Sister Jones, thirty year full-time pioneer, has gracously agreed to conduct the talk this morning. Stay sharp you young men, and learn a thing or two.

And she won't be wearing no stupid kerchief on her head either.

"Brothers and Sisters. In the interest of congregation unity and the betterment of family life, we have decided, that for a forthcoming long weekends, all meetings and field service will be cancelled."

(translation.... hardly any one shows anyways, so why bother?)

hybridous

'So-and-so is doing so well since he left the truth.'

'That sister is so fat and she's getting even fatter, I wonder when the elders are gonna counsel her about respecting her body.'

'I don't care where they tell us to rent rooms for the assembly, I'm gonna stay where I want to.'

'It doesn't matter if Armageddon comes tomorrow or in 100 years, let's just serve God because it's the right thing to do.'

'We've got to stop counting coffee breaks and driving time as service time. From now on, we're only gonna count the time spent actually talking to people.'

Honest Elder: 'I don't care what the CO wants to hear, I'm gonna lay it out for him, as it is.'

WildTurkey

Hey let?s put a window in here

GentlyFeral

Today's talk will be a symposium conducted by our own Brother Smith, Rabbi Ed Mendelsohn, and Rev. Reginald Jones of the African Methodist Episcopal Church.
Remember the refreshing musical interludes at our assemblies, brothers? At the last service meeting, you'll remember, the Society encouraged us to bring that custom to our Sunday meetings. So, to bring musical praise to our god, we'll listen to the John Santos Quintet perform Saul Sierra's wonderful tune, "Mi Niña." We thank Brother Jazzfan for lending us this wonderful CD.
Sister Holocaust-Survivor: "So, Sister Lonely is pregant again and the baby's due in three weeks."

Sister Zealous: "Yes. She and Brother Can't-Resist decided not to get married. In fact, they're giving the baby up for adoption."

Sister Holocaust-Survivor: "I think they're doing the right thing."

Sister Zealous: "I think so too, but that makes the baby shower kind of difficult. What kind of presents do you give when the baby is being given up for adoption?"
Announcement from the platform: "Sister Gonzo-Wiccan had decided to resign from the congregation and pursue other spiritual paths. Would you like to send your love to Sister Gonzo-Wiccan, and extend an invitation to visit us again in the future?" <warm applause> <followed, in the next few weeks, by friendly phone calls: "So, what kinds of spiritual work are you doing now?">

The last two items on this list actually happened to me -- but at a Unitarian church. (No, I wasn't Sister Lonely, but she was a friend of mine.)

GentlyFeral

'So-and-so is doing so well since he left the truth.'

"Well, some people just weren't meant to be Jehovah's Witnesses. I'm glad he found that out before it was too late."

GentlyFeral

Dan-O

"There's no toilet paper left in the restrooms. Grab a handfull of tracts from the counter."

gumby

Hallelujah!

jgnat, lol !

"Ah shit.....the speaker didn't show up! Maybe one of you other brownosin bastards could give one of your own talks"

"Damn....doesn't brother cassidy look nice in his 1970"s polyester suit"?

"I just love the way all the brothers hair look like marines"

"I think I'll go home after the talk so I can post on JWD before my hubby gets home after the Watchtower study"

Gumby

Nosferatu

Have you bought the new Megadeth album yet?

We have a new contribution box labeled "Contributions for Silentlambs"

You look really good with a beard!

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN A Kingdom Hall...

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