I need some advise (I want to get divorced)

Leander

I'll start this post off by saying I love my wife, she has beautiful qualities and a sweet personality. However I realize (and I think she does too, though she may not admit it) that since I left the org behind our goals and viewpoints are no longer unified. As a couple we rarely fight or argue, we still have many of the same values but yet we have some issues that I know will never be fully resolved. The largest issue is with children, we both would like to raise kids but I could never feel comfortable knowing that any child of mine was attending the kingdom hall.

There are some other issues as well but I think above all that one is probably the biggest obstacle. And to be completely honest I feel that if it was'nt for the org's overwhelming influence I likely would'nt be married right now anyway. I feel that I missed out on a lot of valuable life experiences by doing things the "JW" way, instead of getting married so early in life I would have lived on my own for awhile and done some traveling, attended college and who knows what else. Since I've left the org I guess a part of me has been yearning to experience life on my own terms without wondering whether the elders approved of my decisions.

I feel bad for saying this but I also want to know what it would be like to have a relationship with someone other than my wife. My wife is the only person I've ever had a serious relationship with and its been many nights when I wondered about dating other people. But like I said before I do love her and I feel terrible inside about my feelings. I've mentioned some of my concerns (although not all of them) to her and about possibly wanting to go in a different direction, the result was that we both broke down in tears. It tears my heart apart for me to think about her being sad and alone, but also I realize that my own soul is being chipped away when I reflect on the fact that if I stay I forfeit many of my dreams. Not a day goes by when I'm not swaying back and forth on what I should do. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to give up on all the things that I want to do either. Then there are all the people that's involved, her parents, siblings and friends. I have to think about my Mom and my younger brother and how they might be affected. I really hate the society for what they have done to me and others in my situation. By pushing their own agenda onto people as if it were divinely inspired they have caused much pain and heartache, I feel scarred by their propaganda.

Has anyone out there been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?

Thanks for any advice

franklin J

Leander,

do not go through this alone. Get a therapist or counseler to help you work through this difficult time.

My suggestion is to not do anything rash ( like a divorce) until you can resolve the situation. I have had good experiences with therapy and can personaly recommend that course.

good luck, Frank

Crazy151drinker

Simple Adivce:

If you go your seperate ways when you do start dating DO NOT GET SERIOUS WITH THE FIRST PERSON YOU DATE or you'll be right back where you started. Date for AT LEAST 1 YEAR (ie MULTIPLE PEOPLE) before settling in on a new relationship.

However, I hope you work things out with your wife.

Fleur

wow, leander, all i can say is from reading what you wrote, my gut reaction was that there is a lot more good there than bad in your marriage...i definitely agree that you need a therapist to help you sort things out. i would caution you against doing anything rash as the others have said...this is JMO but it seems like you're glamorizing the dating and freedom thing...many people go from person to person in life never knowing what its like to feel really loved...let alone to have a family with someone. don't give up something that has more good than bad in it because you are wondering what missed dating other people.

your actions have greater consequences than just yourself. i would likely answer differently if you didn't have kids...but there are children involved and you have to proceed very cautiously with whatever decision you make.

if you truly can't go on married to someone in the borg go slowly...get help, and then consider carefully the consequences for each action you take. a night of pleasure is over in a few hours; the effects on those around you last a lifetime.

wishing you luck...keep us posted, k?

hugs

fleur

edited to add a ps: i don't know what country you're in, but likely you two would end up with split custody of the kids (i speak from experience) or she would get it altogether; meaning the kids will still be going to the kingdom hall. there may be little you can do to prevent that. all you can do, whether you stay with her or go, is to be there for your kids unconditionally, love them no matter what and that is something that no dub can give them.

detective

It tears my heart apart for me to think about her being sad and alone, but also I realize that my own soul is being chipped away when I reflect on the fact that if I stay I forfeit many of my dreams.

Well, instead of thinking about her being sad and alone, why not think of her as being happily involved with someone else down the line? Sounds like she may have missed a few experiences along the way too.

If you believe she has beautiful qualities then I'm sure someone else will think so also.

Best of luck in your situation, I think the counselling advice was right on, by the way.

Atilla

From your post it seems like you truly love your wife. However, you are a guy and curious about what lays on the other side, i.e. other women. For most of your life this feeling has been subdued by the WT and you are now just realizing that it is ok to think about other women other than your wife. It sounds as if you were raised a dub from an early age and never really got to experiment with other women, so naturally you are curious.

So, I guess the best case scenario would be if you could convince your wife that being a JW is wrong and that you don't want to get divorced but that both of you should take some time off. In other words, you should see some other women and maybe she should see some other guys, it needs to be equal. Then, in maybe a year if you both still love each other and are both free from the religion, you could both reconcile and live happily ever after. However, I don't see this happening so you should be prepared for the worst especially with children involved. Good luck!

95stormfront

I'm literally crying as I write this........

I can see where you're going with this Leander......the pendulum of this emotion is swinging back and forth with me.

I'm fighting desperately trying to ignore the handwriting on the wall that's moving me towards feeling the same way with my wife right now, though I love her deeply. An issue arose a few days ago that greatly magnified the differences between us and now, more often than not, I find myself thinking of other possibilities.

That is not to say that I'm throwing in the towel in the fight to save our relationship to hook up with the first warm body that presents itself. Right now, I don't want anyone else, I don't need anyone else, not looking for anyone else, and am more than willing to throw myself in front of a train in defense of this woman's life. I'm more than willing to get counseling, non-JW of course, as a last resort. The last thing I want is a "cheese and cracker man" elder telling me that if I just "fall in lockstep" everything will be fine because I'm beyond bending my conscious to accept WT dogma anymore.

She wants more than anything else for me to "go back to the hall" while at the same time she understands that it probably will never get that cold in hell. We are empty-nesters, so children are not an issue, it's just that I'm finding that I want new expereinces, travel and adventure, with her accompanying, and I'm seeing that she wants to "get back to meetings" and regular association in WT-world.

I want her to be happy....but I need to be happy too.

Gadget

This is the exact reason I split up with my wife in '99, except she was the one saying it to me.

iiz2cool

My wife and I just went through this and have been separated for almost 6 months. Once I DA'd a year ago she started going back to meetings, service, etc. There were sexual problems in the marriage as well, and we tried counselling from 2 sources. The biggest problem was a difference in goals and priorities as well as interests. Neither of us could associate with each others friends. She had no use for her own family, let alone mine. She didn't want to wake up every morning and see a guy she believed would be dead meat at armageddon. The differences between us were insurmountable, but only because we made it that way.

I'd reccomend counselling for both of you before trashing a marriage. If you opt for divorce, understand the pain will get much worse before it gets any better.

Walter

Doubtfully Yours

Wow, tough situation you're in.

Open up your heart to your wife and maybe you both can come to an agreement of divorce. I mean, maybe she can reach deep down and realize she doesn't want to live with someone that doesn't invest the same into the relationship.

DY

I need some advise (I want to get divorced)

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