I need some advise (I want to get divorced)

by Leander 51 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Undaunted Danny

  A hallmark moment. The Watchtower 'organism' is the family wreckers of fame. Jumped ship/bad relationship.? Whole lotta,rocky, rotten marriages and rotten kids.

  Just think of all the incompatible mismatched marriage unions in the 'spiritual paradise',among the JW faithful.

  Marriages made for kingdom expediency.It doesn't matter that you are ,fat old 'n ugly, cause in a year or so Jehovah is gonna make you beautiful in the paradise.Now! they are stuck.Once the knot is tied,you can't undo a JW marriage.No matter how bad it gets.( except under the most soul wrenching circumstance)

  Whole lotta rotten relationships .Now they are stuck with each other.Oh by the way, if you bear the cross of celibacy and you give in to normal sexual sexual tension and ,oh no, succumb to masturbation..You now have to confess the dire deed to the elders or you go to hell.

  Relation[shits] in the new world society, it must really suck.

  I'm 47 born in the 'troof' and I never married.I have a colostomy bag which doesn't enhance one's attractiveness.Also,because I saw so many unhappy incompatible JW unions,and cause big "J" was gonna give me a 'perfect' wife in the new system.
• 

  Fleur

  Danny...reading this made me so sad.

  I'm 47 born in the 'troof' and I never married.I have a colostomy bag which doesn't enhance one's attractiveness.

  you may not believe this, but there are women out there who do not let a physical disability keep them from loving someone. sounds to me like you haven't met the right woman yet, and i hope with all my heart you do, if that's something you want. having that bag doesn't make you any less lovable.

  i wanted to clarify my previous post in this thread...if there truly are irreconcilable differences...i mean if you and your wife can't get along and argue esp. in front of the kids then i'd be the last person to tell you to stick it out. my parents always screamed at each other so loud i will never get over how it effected me as a child. it changes your children.

  i can't know all the details, i was strictly going by your post, in which you sound so torn. i just wanted to speak up and say don't let the thought of what sleeping with someone else may or may not be be the deciding factor in this. if you do that...if you think with your hormones instead of your heart and brain, you may end up with a lot of regrets later. you may be sorry you left.

  but hey, i only know what you posted. so like i said, get thee to a counselor quickly, good man, and then go from there and do what is best in everyone's interest. if you get angry and resentful for staying, that won't be any good for your wife and kids either. she deserves someone who will love her 100%. they deserve to grow up in a peaceful household. and kids can feel the tension, believe me, even if its unspoken. no matter how young they are. some of my earliest memories is of my parents screaming at each other; the only time it was silent was when you were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  another random thought just occurred to me...are you prepared to deal with the idea of who she will marry after you, of who will be your parent's step-father? these are questions you really need to ponder before you do anything. will you be able to handle that? my ex does very badly with that, he is crazy jealous of the good relationship my daughter has with her step dad.

  if it sounds like i'm being hard on you i apologize, i don't mean to be. it's just ending a marriage is no joke...and a lot of heartache. and i'm speaking as someone who did initiate the divorce and remarried and is happier now (to escape abuse). even though I am 1000 percent sure i did the right thing for myself and my child, she is th eone who has had it hardest in all of this. i wish i could have spared her that.

  hugs

  fleur
• 

  reboot

  Ah.(((leander))) i;m so sorry.... i've just spent the past two hours telling my husband I can't live with him anymore and having to watch the tears flow and his heart break because of me.

  It makes me feel like a total shit and however much I dislike him, I'm a mess lately.

  I don't like to upsetting people either, and have added complications of him refusing , again, to leave and we have three children who see me as the villain this week, which is killing me....but you seem to have reached the point of no return in your own mind without those added stresses-you could move out and only have you wife to worry about...I reached my decision it months ago and if I did'nt have children the act of leaving would be so much easier..adults will cope eventually..try living with the sadness of a boy who cries for his father every night on.the occasions we've split up in the past.... I literally have to get up on the hour to comfort him as he's so hysterical... whatever he can be like as a husband; he's a brillian father 99% of the time and taking him from his children will kill him mentally..though staying is killing me.

  At the moment i'm feeling like just running;I have an indescribable urge to run away from everything , my husband , house, children , job, friends...and just disappear. the stress is almost too much to bear.I wish everyday he'd just go off me and go..but I know he won't and ultimately it's gonna be down to me.

  If you don't have children you could still be a good friend to you wife you could help her, if she'll let you. odd as it sounds it caan work..making the split less sudden and final....you can help her to come to terms with loosing you....by being there for her when she needs support and letting her know you love her as a person.I helped my ex husband when he got really low...feeling left and bereft is the killer....

  It can take years to get over someone but your wife may eventually appreciate your honesty and will get over you...

  There's so much guilt involved in these situations....and research has now shown that the more break ups we have the more our mental health is affected which suggests we're not getting over them...it's a process of loss and mourning...does she have lots of good friends that will support her?

  I agree that people brought up as witnesses need to sometimes 'rediscover' themselves after so many restrictions it's healthy and natural...but very sad for the partner who has'nt reached that stage. I do , incedently,have a few non witness friends who are still with their only partner and theyre very happy........the grass is'nt always greener...

  Councelling would be a good start..at least your wife will get a chance to tell someone how she feels which can only do her good, and who knows, she may start to see things differently and leave you first....

  Good Luck and lots of love to both of you.xxxx
• 

  stephoness

  "The largest issue is with children, we both would like to raise kids but I could never feel comfortable knowing that any child of mine was attending the kingdom hall."

  I am assuming this means you do not have children yet, but you and your wife have discussed it. I agree with you that I would never want my children to attend a KH, so my suggestion is to either abstain from sex or use condoms until you make the decision on divorcing. Once you have kids, it will become much, much more difficult. If you do have children, then I am sorry for misunderstanding!
• 

  codeblue

  Wow...you have received some good advice.

  I haven't been in your shoes, but my JW husband left me cause of infamous affairs. I was wife #2, now he is working on wife #3 (I know that marriage won't last long either...since he is a womanizer).

  The fact that you are so able to communicate your "new feelings" to your wife says more than what meets the eye.

  Somebody earlier said, finding someone that you can communicate with, even with the painful things is very difficult. Please keep that in mind with your future decision. It is not an easy thing to find a "soulmate"....

  Counseling sounds great...with a nonJW counselor.

  Me and my husband are both fading....so I understand some of the feelings you have...learning the truth about the truth(tm) is quite a process. He started fading long before I did...and it caused a lot of problems. I eventually had a "defining moment" and started fading too.

  Going thru a divorce is very painful....I know..I became anorexic for 2 years...and felt extremely lost. I don't recommend divorce unless it is the "last straw"...

  But only you know your situation best...take care.

  Codeblue
• 

  Fleur

  if i read that wrong and you don't have kids yet...(thanks stephoness for posting that, i may totally have mis-read!) then definitely do not have one thinking it'll make things better.

  if you are childless and know that the marriage is going nowhere...then you do both of you a disservice by staying in it. if she can never please you if she stays a jw, then you are both better off getting on with your lives.

  with kids...it's a different issue. if there is abuse going on, kids or no, the abused spouse has to get themselves and the kids out, period.

  sorry everyone if i read it wrong. hopefully leander will post and clarify...

  hugs

  fleur
• 

  kls

  Geez, there seems to be alot of this going around. I have submitted the same about a divorce and the return posts are so amazing.
  
  
  Listen to all you read here ,some have been there and all will make you think . I find myself rereading the answers i got over and over .
  
  
  One thing i have learned from my friends here is to tred slowly, really think this out and weigh the good with the bad.
• 

  Leander

  Wow, thanks for all the responses everyone. It really does help to know other people can relate to what you're going through.

  As Stephoness mentioned I don't have any children as of yet and unfortunately it does'nt look like my wife and I will have kids anytime soon because of our religious conflicts. I just turned 32 this year and I've been really thinking a lot about starting a family and I don't want to wait to long. Its funny when I was younger time really did'nt mean much to me, but now I realize that I don't have as much of it as I thought I did. Sometimes I wished my wife and I fought more because then it would be easier for me to say we should go our seperate ways, but as it is we get along fairly well and there's no easy answers to our problems.

  At this time I really don't want to go through any type of counseling. I've had almost 3 years to contemplate what kind of direction I want to go in for the future and I realize that it's no point in deceiving myself . Also I should clarify that even though I have an interest in dating other people I would never end our relationship soley based on my desire to have sex with someone else. It's just that now that I'm out of the org and I have the freedom to pursue things I never did before I want to share the experience with someone who can appreciate it. For example since I left the WT society behind our sphere of activities is really limited, 99% of the friends that I had before are really not interested in including me in there gatherings, picnics, etc.. The few friends I have right now are'nt witnesses so of course my wife does'nt want to associate with them. That only leaves us with a few family members to spend time with and since they are still witnesses I'm kind of held back at arm's length. So outside of a few pg rated movies and an occasional meal outside of home we really don't have a lot of options. It really kind of strains things because now that I can think for myself I'm open to new types of music, going out dancing, film festivals, plays and other related activities but my wife really scrutinizes any planned event of mine even closer. I guess her family is telling her to be extra careful because she's extremely reluctant to do even some of the things we used to do before.

  Basically I just want to be happy. I want to spend time with someone and just be myself, if I want to listen to heavy metal or hiphop I don't want to have explain myself. I've experimented with grass a bit over the last couple of years and I think to myself how much pleasurable it would be if my wife would join in with me. If I want to go to a bar and have a few drinks I'd like my spouse to be right there with me, but after 7 years of marriage I realize that these things won't happen with my wife. It makes me feel guilty because she has'nt changed, I'm the one who's going through the changes and she's had to bear the brunt of it.

  Well I'm going to end this post for now or else I'll have an entire book typed out. Thanks again everyone for your responses, if anyone is in the Chicago-area and wants to get together for a drink or coffee let me know. I've just recently started emerging from my hermit like status and I'd be happy to make some new aquaintances.
• 

  Carmel

  The grass on the other side of the fence ain't as green as your hormones are telling you! Get a grip and go see a councellor.

  carmel
• 

  Fleur

  thanks for the clarifications leander, i apologize that i misunderstood and read it wrong and thought there were already kids involved.

  it sounds like you know what you want really...that you're just trying to find the courage to go through with it. the only one who can answer what is best for you is you...

  as far as finding a woman willing to experiment with weed and stuff with you...well i can't offer you any advice there, i'm a alcohol free/drug free person by choice because of what i've seen them do to my family. my sister's husband has had a nasty weed habit for their entire marriage, and it has really, really made things hard for her. she's a recovering alcoholic and...what a mess.

  good luck to you, i hope you find happiness! everyone is entitled to it.

  fleur